Tuesday, May 02, 2006

the words not to be spoken

This is an exercise in freedom. Without the constraints of time, place, name, face and all other aspects of identity, where will this project go? Without catering to "my readers", and by addressing only the concerns related to the darkest corners of this self, how far deep will I reach between the fine lines of my persona and pierce through to the nothingness that fills the void between Us?

There exists in some space, some time, some where in this world -- the person I am, as related to those individuals with whom I interact. I fill roles in their lives, as they fill roles in mine. We fall into and out of each others' existant worlds and we follow certain paths, navigating our present(s), hoping for decent futures, and mourning or celebrating our woeful or glorious histories.

In a life of no privacy and/or anonymity, we as individuals are forced to be the persons that others see; we are thoroughly engaged in acting, reacting and interacting with respect to external influences. Without accepting this, we run the risk of believing that our beliefs are based on "ME", on "MY BELIEFS", on "WHO I AM" and other such false senses of self. To accept and move beyond this aggregation of self, we are then given the opportunity to play -- with the very constitution of this so-called self. We can examine with unrelenting urgency every choice, every action, every matter to cross our awareness -- without the tethers of fear: of judgment; of ego: for praise; of ease: for complacency.

And so here it is: the challenge for de-censorship. My mind is alit with thoughts that have no other place for expression, and my mouth yearns to speak the words that cannot be spoken. Here, where my identity is stripped away, where boundaries set by my society and my companions are dissolved, and where I have no need to expurgate any thoughts, will I find that freedom I so desire? And if so, will that freedom strip my secrets of the power they hold over me?

3 comments:

Lady Selena said...

Wow! You said it so much better than I did. Although our situations are different, the similarities are fascinating. I look forward to reading more of what you have to share! I also read your fantasies....going to clean myself up now. Thanks for sharing!

hanna said...

Is it realistic to make a promise “I will love you until death do us part”? Famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy who is considered an expert in understanding human feelings and relationships between people in general and man and woman in specific, in his novella “The Kreutzer Sonata” said: “To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live”.

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Anonymous said...

Anonym:

I don't know if you're still monitoring comments here, but I stumbled upon your blog and am four posts in and am absolutely enthralled. You're really capturing the struggle with aching precision. I'm looking forward to exploring more, in hopes that it will help me sort out my own conflicting feelings and desires. Thank you for your candor and courage.

Will