Monday, May 15, 2006

More about Marriage & Monogamy

Seeing as how adultery is considered such a taboo act, it comes as no surprise to this blogger that there are very few resources for individuals who are in this position as the adulterer/ess. It is the assumption that this behavior is morally corrupt, therefore the "wrongdoer" gets absolutely no understanding from the "straight-up", never-done-it, never-will-do-it type. All help is directed toward the "victim" and such is life for the careless idiot who would do such a terrible thing to someone they "supposedly" love -- and they deserve any suffering they may receive.

I think that such an interpretation of marital commitment overly simplifies the extent of why a couple chooses to make such a commitment in the first place. To apply the same "rules" across the board, applying them to every couple who decides to make a union for life, seems quaint and unrealisitic. Some may indeed find it easier to just abstain from getting oneself into any kind of compromising situation. I would venture a guess that these same people have generally "safer" personalities, are less likely to take risks, despite any promise of reward, and are perfectly content with letting opportunities pass by. I would also guess that they deal terribly with separation anxiety, emotional loss, and tend not to bounce back from pain very quickly. This is not a judgmental statement. It is just an observation. Just like this statement: some people enjoy roller coaster rides, and others do not. I say, good for you if you know who you are. Follow your own rules, and be content in that. But don't assume that your rules will apply to others out there, and that they will be good for anyone else other than yourself (if that really is even the case).

I'm not exactly sure what it is about sex that makes people so edgy. From puberty through adulthood to bachelor-life, to settled commitments and marriage, we are so wrapped up with issues over sex. "I can't orgasm." "I can't last long enough." "My body is not sexy." "Don't talk about masturbation." "If I feel attraction for someone of my sex, am I gay?" "If I feel attraction outside of my marriage, I must be a terrible spouse." "I can't overtly enjoy sex (or flaunt my sexuality) because that means I'm a slut." No other aspect of marriage makes people as uneasy, unsettled, and anxious as sex does, especially if it has to do with a wandering eye. Instead of loosening up and just enjoying life, we impose all sorts of limitations to create "safe harbors" that end up suffocating us in the end.

Here is a blog entry by Nightside Jonny that I feel articulates quite well the existing hypocrisy evident in our restricted sense of what monogamy entails.

My marital bliss comes during moments of deep knowledge, when I am spending time with H, that I am truly enjoying life, and it's a wonderful feeling to have such a compatible partner to be by my side, also enjoying life. Sometimes it's together, sometimes it's apart. Sometimes one is enjoying it more than the other. But as with all things, moments are exactly that -- fleeting, changing, evolving, and never constant. I think it's a greater mistake to expect that bliss will last Forever After. Just having glimpses of such freedom in love is worth an entire lifetime of aspiring for more of it.

I know that I am probably on the fringe of society, as far as my feelings about monogamy go (and probably a few other things too). But it is who I am, and I am not willing to apologize for that. My H knows this about me, and loves me for it/despite it. Nothing could be worse than trying to disguise my own identity from myself -- at the very least, I am aware of the fact that I LOVE rollercoaster rides. If I were to go on for the rest of our shared life together, lying to myself about this aspect of who I am, I would be deceiving the both of us in a much more terrible way.

1 comment:

hanna said...

Is it realistic to make a promise “I will love you until death do us part”? Famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy who is considered an expert in understanding human feelings and relationships between people in general and man and woman in specific, in his novella “The Kreutzer Sonata” said: “To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live”.

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