"So in the time you've been with H...were you always looking for an outlet? Did you know that it would one day happen? Or was it random thoughts that suddenly presented itself into opportunity?"I'm not sure I can honestly say that "it just happened". But it's not as though I've always wanted to stray from the beginning either. Perhaps a bit of both? There is a history to take into account here. When I first became involved with H, I was not a one-man-gal. I was "happily single", dating many people at once (emotionally & sexually), and each person I was with knew that I was in a non-committal state. I was even intrigued with polyamory. In fact, I was dead-set against marriage & monogamy. Things were pretty smooth, but then I fell in love with H pretty damned hard. I got the notion that I really could see spending the rest of my life with him, despite all obstacles. H had a difficult time with me seeing other men, and it was a combination of not wanting to lose this opportunity with H & not being strong enough in my own resolution to compel him to choose an open relationship with me, or not be with me at all. (The latter I recognize was a selfish decision, to not stand my ground on the issue -- I only wanted H in my life, even if that meant possibly hurting him in the future. Were I to go back, I would have been more truthful to the both of us from the beginning, and risk his rejection of me and my lifestyle.) Additionally, our "honeymoon phase" lasted for so many years that I believed I had found "just the perfect person" with whom to live monogamously. We were just too damned compatible across so many aspects of our relationship not to be. For years I wasn't even the least bit attracted to anyone other than my H. (That should have been an immediate flag that I was somehow deceiving myeself.) And then, something just clicked inside me.
Suddenly, there was a whole world of attraction that just opened up in front of me. Maybe I was just being a horny dog with no self-control. (Is that so bad? My H doesn't think so, at least with him. Me being a horny dog lacking self control is who I am, and it lends itself to a vivacious sex life together. He wouldn't want me to limit any of my other passionate natures to just him -- that would be enslavement; but for some reason, the general public seems to think that sex has a special reserve, as though it is more important than any other passion. I do disagree with that notion.) Maybe I just don't hold marriage vows to the esteem that many others do. But there were so many signs that were hinting at me, for a good while, to just let go. And then yes, suddenly an opportunity presented itself (with M, a man at work). I was wracked with indecision over the matter -- not over guilt, for I was already guilty for hungering so deeply in my loins for someone other than my H -- but over whether or not I wanted to put the energy it would take to make the necessary precautions so that my H would never find out, to limit his exposure to the knowledge that would indeed cause him pain. I probably should have controlled my desires. I probably should have just been honest with H about my attractions for someone else, or ignored it for a longer amount of time and hope it would go away on its own. But at that point, I felt that if I didn't step out, and instead supressed my desires, that it would eat away at me even more, resulting in an even more powerful impetus to do something rash, thereby increasing the chances of "getting caught" and causing my H unnecessary grief. I also felt as though I would have been lying to myself, had I supressed my passion, making me shrivel up inside, and then resenting H for my own dissatisfaction. And what kind of marriage would that be? I've always made it a point to make choices in life so that in retrospect, I would have no regrets. I would definitely regret committing to a relationship filled with resentments. I realize there are other options to avoid resentment than the path that I've chosen, but I had to follow my heart, and this is what feels right to me, right now.
H knows my passionate nature. He knows my sexuality. He knows I can not live my life without being true to these natures. He also knows I am not perfect. He knows I will fail. He knows I will fall. And yet he loves me still. Yes, if the truth were revealed to him, he would be hurt, very much so. My faith in our marriage is such that I am certain we will overcome any turbulence, with a lot of work and a lot of help. I know that trust is something so fragile that it can crumble with something like this. I also know that I risk losing H's trust for the rest of our lives together. My faith in my love for H is so strong that I know I will never stop loving him, and never stop falling in love with him. If the knowledge of my actions should cause his love for me to cease, or if he could not find forgiveness in his heart for my indiscretions, then it will be a loss I must suffer. But he will always have my love, should he ever desire it.
I feel that our errors is what makes us real. I would never want to be perfect, and lose such precious humanity. I know H feels the same way, at least about that.