Monday, July 31, 2006

History of H, revisited

This post was spurred as a response to a reader's questions, and I thought it appropriate to revisit my situation with H and our past together. The question was,
"So in the time you've been with H...were you always looking for an outlet? Did you know that it would one day happen? Or was it random thoughts that suddenly presented itself into opportunity?"
I'm not sure I can honestly say that "it just happened". But it's not as though I've always wanted to stray from the beginning either. Perhaps a bit of both? There is a history to take into account here. When I first became involved with H, I was not a one-man-gal. I was "happily single", dating many people at once (emotionally & sexually), and each person I was with knew that I was in a non-committal state. I was even intrigued with polyamory. In fact, I was dead-set against marriage & monogamy. Things were pretty smooth, but then I fell in love with H pretty damned hard. I got the notion that I really could see spending the rest of my life with him, despite all obstacles. H had a difficult time with me seeing other men, and it was a combination of not wanting to lose this opportunity with H & not being strong enough in my own resolution to compel him to choose an open relationship with me, or not be with me at all. (The latter I recognize was a selfish decision, to not stand my ground on the issue -- I only wanted H in my life, even if that meant possibly hurting him in the future. Were I to go back, I would have been more truthful to the both of us from the beginning, and risk his rejection of me and my lifestyle.) Additionally, our "honeymoon phase" lasted for so many years that I believed I had found "just the perfect person" with whom to live monogamously. We were just too damned compatible across so many aspects of our relationship not to be. For years I wasn't even the least bit attracted to anyone other than my H. (That should have been an immediate flag that I was somehow deceiving myeself.) And then, something just clicked inside me.

Suddenly, there was a whole world of attraction that just opened up in front of me. Maybe I was just being a horny dog with no self-control. (Is that so bad? My H doesn't think so, at least with him. Me being a horny dog lacking self control is who I am, and it lends itself to a vivacious sex life together. He wouldn't want me to limit any of my other passionate natures to just him -- that would be enslavement; but for some reason, the general public seems to think that sex has a special reserve, as though it is more important than any other passion. I do disagree with that notion.) Maybe I just don't hold marriage vows to the esteem that many others do. But there were so many signs that were hinting at me, for a good while, to just let go. And then yes, suddenly an opportunity presented itself (with M, a man at work). I was wracked with indecision over the matter -- not over guilt, for I was already guilty for hungering so deeply in my loins for someone other than my H -- but over whether or not I wanted to put the energy it would take to make the necessary precautions so that my H would never find out, to limit his exposure to the knowledge that would indeed cause him pain. I probably should have controlled my desires. I probably should have just been honest with H about my attractions for someone else, or ignored it for a longer amount of time and hope it would go away on its own. But at that point, I felt that if I didn't step out, and instead supressed my desires, that it would eat away at me even more, resulting in an even more powerful impetus to do something rash, thereby increasing the chances of "getting caught" and causing my H unnecessary grief. I also felt as though I would have been lying to myself, had I supressed my passion, making me shrivel up inside, and then resenting H for my own dissatisfaction. And what kind of marriage would that be? I've always made it a point to make choices in life so that in retrospect, I would have no regrets. I would definitely regret committing to a relationship filled with resentments. I realize there are other options to avoid resentment than the path that I've chosen, but I had to follow my heart, and this is what feels right to me, right now.

H knows my passionate nature. He knows my sexuality. He knows I can not live my life without being true to these natures. He also knows I am not perfect. He knows I will fail. He knows I will fall. And yet he loves me still. Yes, if the truth were revealed to him, he would be hurt, very much so. My faith in our marriage is such that I am certain we will overcome any turbulence, with a lot of work and a lot of help. I know that trust is something so fragile that it can crumble with something like this. I also know that I risk losing H's trust for the rest of our lives together. My faith in my love for H is so strong that I know I will never stop loving him, and never stop falling in love with him. If the knowledge of my actions should cause his love for me to cease, or if he could not find forgiveness in his heart for my indiscretions, then it will be a loss I must suffer. But he will always have my love, should he ever desire it.

I feel that our errors is what makes us real. I would never want to be perfect, and lose such precious humanity. I know H feels the same way, at least about that.


Infinite said...

Scary. In that you are so thoroughly in love with your husband, and thus so much is at risk.

Because I am apparently of a very different makeup (or something) I am naturally curious of the why/how of your goings on. And of course questions along the lines of "What happens when...?" Is it being unsatisfied with H sexually? From the sound of things you want it often but the hunger is quelled, momentarily only, in the stress of living. Which forces (bit too strong of a word) you to seek it out elsewhere? Or could it be the lack of newness? As you say yourself, when the brushes on your wrist, or kisses on the elbow or a pull on the waist etc etc are chill inspiring as mostly found at the very beginning of any "relationship". This is along the lines why we are ticklish...a type of defense system for "something alien is touching me, be aware", which, at certain points, can be very enjoyable...

the general public seems to think that sex has a special reserve, as though it is more important than any other passion

Stemmed from the fact that that specific passion entails a release and opening of the most precious and personal thing in life (self). And the fact that the major religions (which by extension is most of the world) protect it, and possibly above that protect women.

Infinite said...

(That should have been an immediate flag that I was somehow deceiving myeself.)

Is it deciet if it really happened?

Anonymous said...

For me, the heart of the matter is whether H places a high value on the fact that the bonds of intimacy (emotional AND sexual) are just for the two of you. If that's a source of strength/confidence for him (which it is for me, in my marriage) it will be all the more humiliating and debilitating in the end if(when?) it all comes crashing down on him. Maybe you know him well enough that he's strong enough on his own to withstand the truth and stay with you.

I love my wife dearly and would be crushed if she turned out to need what you need; but I would rather know and have her free of the bond, to seek what she wants, than pretend (or have her pretend) the same thing is important to both of us. I don't say this lightly, there are children involved for us, and we're one big happy family. But recently she's needed more external friendships and independence, and it's been challenging for me to recognize that it's not about me (and, she says and I believe, not about sex), but we ARE talking about it, and figuring these things out together.

Louisa said...

You know, Karma is a bitch and you will end up truly knowing it in the end.

You have a warped sense of reality and what real love is. If you really loved your husband, you would be truthful with him and let him know exactly what you're doing. Instead, you chose to take the cowards way and pretend to act like a slut with a conscience. How noble.

anonym said...

Today's responses have definitely run the gamut. Let's just get the name-calling out of the way right now. Okay, let's see... I'm a: slut, skank, whore, liar, cheat, coward, floozy, tramp, hussy, and an absolutely, totally terrible, terrible person. I thought all that was given. And on with it now.

Thank you Infinite once again for your appropriately critical remarks. I can definitely say that I am not dissatisfied with H sexually. When we are intimate, it is just as exquisite as when we first began our relationship together. Those tender touches and that opening of our selves to one another is just as genuine and just as special as before. And when we Fuck, it's just as raw, hot and steamy as before. It's surely not as regular as when we first discovered each other, but that's to be expected. The only "complaints" that I could think of (if you could call them that) are: a) that we don't "make out" at all -- that is, just deeply kiss for longer than a minute, and b) that I don't have the courage to introduce some of my [more] taboo fantasies (like bdsm play, talking dirty, rape & incest, etc).

I think the lack of newness does have something to do with it too. Something different. I'm very capricious with my life-desires, and being in a rut of any sort will drive me up the wall. But that also doesn't mean I want to get rid of what's familiar either. Some may say that's "wanting your cake and eating it too", but in my opinion it's preserving my sanity.

And no, in regard to my lack of attraction to others for a few years... I guess I wasn't deceiving myself afterall... because in reality, it did happen. I suppose this whole thing is just more evidence of how things change, and what I'm supposed to do with that.

Anonymous -- as far as what H perceives as who has a grip on intimacy, he knows that I am emotionally intimate with more people than just him; we've also "shared" one another sexually with others as well. (Though the first time was a bit unnerving, he has reassured me that he would like to "play" again in the future.) So, he's pretty open when it comes to these things.

Here's the issue: we are both aware that we regard one another with differing levels of dependence. Across the board, whether it's just spending time together, talking on the phone to one another, cuddling -- just plain touching... we both know that he needs all of the reassurance a whole lot more than I do. That's not to say that I'm an ice-queen with him. In fact, I have my times of dependency needs as well. But more often than not, he's the one who'd rather be doted on.

And I don't have a problem with that, unless it gets unruly. Usually we both know when that happens, I might get a bit standoffish, and then he teases that he's "getting on my nerves, right?" Haha, we laugh, we play, and it's all well and good.

I think that if children were involved between me and H, I might feel differently. I think that being in "just a couple" there's a certain struggle for independence that bounces back and forth. So there's a lot of leeway for selfishness, for pushing boundaries, and for behaving like children. Once [real] children are involved, many sacrifices must be made. And the relationship changes dramatically from the two people struggling for individual needs to concern for the welfare of the family unit. I think once that struggle is mastered, often a couple will revisit those desires to "branch out" again. I do think it's healthy for a loving couple to maintain relationships outside of their own. (And here, I'm talking about "friendships", so don't get up in arms people... you know who you are.) External friendships offer something you can't get inside the protected home of the atomic family -- perspective.

It's definitely a scary thing though, when for years you've been each others best friend, confidante, partner in crime, and then suddenly it feels like she's telling you that you're not "enough". Not in so many words, but in action. I know that's how it feels, because I've been there too, on the receiving end of feeling dejected. I can say for sure though that when I go out with my friends when H isn't there, I may have fun, I may enjoy my time with them, and I may be having a blast, but in the end, I'm happy to come home to that very special someone who is still my best friend, my confidante.

I think what's key in these situations is, knowing that my H might be a little less confident of my "approval" (for lack of a better word) of him, that I need to be proactive at times like these, and make sure that I'm reassuring him in many more ways than just saying "I love you." By doing the things I know he'll appreciate, by making that extra special effort to make sure that he knows how much I care about him. If I have the energy to continue doing that and still have the time to spend in any kind of external relationship, then I'd prefer to do that than not visit with friends, cater only to H's attachment to me, and become bitter with claustrophobia.

We ALSO have been talking about these things; my needs to do things alone, without him. To just spend time by myself. To be a bit more active with my neglected friendships... and he's very receptive to that.

Lousia, thank you for telling me what real love is. I'm glad somebody out there knows the Truth of the matter, because I obviously don't.

Squinky said...

It's very interesting...where my wife's frigidity has driven me to other women, it is your nature that makes you seek out others. No point, just an observation.

So, was your "sharing" done before or after you were married?

anonym said...

Squinky, it's funny that you should ask that question... because come to think of it, I can't remember. My knee-jerk reaction was "after we were married", but then I had to stop and think about it. Perhaps it occurred before the official ceremony of a wedding, but looking back, I feel like I've been married to my H from the first date we ever had together. And, excuse me for getting new-agey when I say this, but I really feel like we've been intrinsically, yet unknowingly married since before we even met.

I also find your observation interesting, because of the SOOO many adulterous blogs out there, I hear much of the same answer to the big "WHY??" as: because I'm unhappy with my existing circumstance, ie. my spouse made me do it. That's not to say it mightn't be a valid reason. I'm positive there are a tremendous number of cases where a failing marriage pushes one spouse to step out. Whatever the case, I've read fewer stories out there of people who say "I really just don't know why" or further, "It is in my nature to be a disgraceful, deceitful, hurtful human being, and I am the one who must live with that."

It really confuses me when readers say that this blog glorifies adultery, or celebrates cuckoldry, or mocks my husband. I definitely glorify sex (perhaps overly so), and I know I celebrate freedom, and all of these threads happen to be tied together by ventures in adulterous activity... perhaps I am too skilled at categorizing one aspect from another. (Which is why I don't ever fear confusing and misrepresenting sex with love.)

I'm getting off topic now... time to truncate.

Gracie said...

no one can be owned or caged.

sure karma can be a bitch, but no one knows the suffering one has gone through to this point in life.

no one in the blog world can make assumptions on what a human writes. that is only but a small aspect of that individual as a whole.

LOUISA who are you to name call anyone? i am sure you have skeltons in your closet. some of us choose to let our deepest secrets out for the world to see. if you have a problem with what someone is as easy as navigating to another blog. but, you see you don' know why? you are intrigued by anonym's world. it is better then a stupid soap opera. deny it all you want, but if you are back reading this, you are addicted to her blog. or you just want to be all high and mighty and like to pass judgement on someone like you were some kind of morality god. but you are not. you are just an imperfect as the rest of us. i guarantee you there are a ton of women out there doing what anonym is doing, they just keep it secret. so get a hobby and a life because religion is not everything sweetheart. you are just a programmed sheep following the mindless heard. good luck with that.

Infinite said...

that I don't have the courage to introduce some of my [more] taboo fantasies (like bdsm play, talking dirty, rape & incest, etc)

Why not? You obviously have shared many other fantasies you have (DP, other women, other men). From what I can read you and H (especially you) don't have many hangups when it comes to sex. What would keep your from sharing even more of yourself with H? Most of those wouldn't even be considered taboo by previous commenter Louisa (I'm kidding...maybe) except for the Incest one, but you know what they say right? Incest is best...that's a joke...

As for not making's amazing how that quickly gets left behind as you move on in a relationship. Again (not to be judging coming up) something that is typically at the beginning of a relationship. I can say that every once in a while my wife and I do "make out". It is incredibly exciting each time.

Do you think you will succeed in keeping all of this from H? Or will you pull one of those psychological "I want to get caught" type things?

I cannot say how long my interest in this (or my memory to check this site) will last. But I can say I am very interested to see how it all twists and turns.

partygirljessica said...

I'm so glad that whenever I meet someone at webdate*dot*com and I tell them I see other guys, they're perfectly fine with that. After all, I don't mind them seeing other women.

hanna said...

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