Thursday, March 08, 2007

no real appropriate title...

sometimes I really wish I could share here, some intimate letters that I have written and/or received from friends. letters that were created under moments of true inspiration, real connections and amazing insight. but there is a place for that intimacy and divine creativity, and that place is not here. but here I will reflect on the world of letter-writing, and romanticism.

I never much was a girly-girl, or a hopeless romantic for that matter. in fact, I've always been the practical, down-to-earth, easy-going chic whose smooth moves glide through time effortlessly. I am of small stature, with seemingly delicate features, but when you hold me, you know otherwise -- that in fact, I'm rather athletic, strong and resilient. perhaps I've often even tried to play down the feminine features, prefering to come off more as a tough girl, of the smiling-independent type, but every now and then I like to imagine myself as a "pretty lady".

Beauty Eyes gently brushed my hair off my cheek and said to me, "you shouldn't hide your femininity, you're beautiful."

And so it surprises me when I catch myself off gaurd, dreaming or fantasizing about a long-distanced love affair, be it through space or through time. Like 18th c. romantic love stories, I switch to this non-reality of having a an affair by way of letters -- the ones that get shoeboxed until I'm dead and then my children discover this lost world of the most amazing love letters. But those times are no more. Who writes letters these days? When it's all on email. And life happens so immediately, no time for reflection, no time for digestion, no time for nostalgia, no time for patience. It's all right now. and it's all I need it now.

Can intimate, meaningful friendships exist without a shared sexuality? And can they exist beside the ONE MAIN relationship that is sanctioned and blessed by your community -- that of marriage, your spouse? I don't know any clean answer for that.

I know that I like the intimacy that sex brings. I like sex as recreation. I like loving my friends, as brothers and as sisters. I also like flirting. But the quality that really brings to life connections between two individuals is something deeper and beyond any one thing I've just mentioned. And it's touching that essence that is shared across the limited lives of people as individuals. It's glimpsing that eternal beauty that we all possess. And for lack of a better word, it's something divine. That's what I strive for, and that's what I mourn when the connection is lost. Perhaps there are a myriad of ways to establish that type of relationship with another, but for now I've found sexual intimacy a pretty straightforward way into it. For some, it is too much. And I understand that. For some, divinity can be touched through sheer obligation, respect or other social stratification of emotion. Perhaps as I grow older, the sex will fall to the side, and the fraternal love will rise. Or not. Who knows? All I know is right now it's hard as hell to ignore attraction. I still have not heard a convincing reason to do so.

I wish I could be like my husband. I wish I could find complete fulfilment through devotion. He loves me so thoroughly, needs me and wants me and is utterly devoted to me and to us. And I suppose that should be enough for me. But as much as I know that he is my perfect match in harmony and in life, my heart's flesh still wanders from time to time. I am aware of its throbbing, and when these moments arise and I must contain it, a thick sadness overwhelms me. These times do pass. And new irresistible joys lurk around the corner. Most of the time, those joys are shared with my H. And the times they aren't... that's for the dark recesses of my memory.


Chris said...

We can't control who we are. And we are all different, need different things. Perhaps there will be a peace for you someday where you can balance both. Well I hope there is :)

El Cuervo said...

There's nothing wrong with wishing that you were different, but if you really think about it what you should be doing is allowing yourself to be what you want to be, feel what you want to feel.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have hopes and to enjoy life.

tkkerouac said...

Does your husband know you have these desires?

Consummate John said...

Your posts are always thought provoking - they're a reminder of why I entered the land of blogs in the first place.

Yes, I believe that intimate, meaningful friendships can exist without a shared sexuality. Two years ago I met someone on a matchmaker site (the one I call AAA on my own blog - the abbreviation is really AMM).

We flirted in a red-wine, Woody Allen, sort of way at first (references to red shoes and "Wizard of Oz", and lost opportunity. A connection of sorts was built up - I'm not sure if either of us had strong views on whether we would meet.

And then about a year ago, just when I began a period of prolonged leave from work, she emailed me to tell me that her partner had just committed suicide.

We have chatted for hours over the net since then. Thousands and thousands of words. The flirting and sex has of course been replaced with something else. But it is something that's ended up being far more intimate. For me at least, it is something that has approached a form of love. And we still haven’t met; most probably never will.

Thanks again for your blog.

hanna said...

Is it realistic to make a promise “I will love you until death do us part”? Famous Russian writer Leo Tolstoy who is considered an expert in understanding human feelings and relationships between people in general and man and woman in specific, in his novella “The Kreutzer Sonata” said: “To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live”.

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