Personal History

My response to a reader's questions...

"Are you the product of some type of broken home or was this just your appetite from the start of your sexual encounters?"

As far as my family history is concerned, I'd have to say that my home while growing up was not "broken" per se, but a little dysfunctional. I have a sibling whom I consider has gone through drug abuse stages and who (through no knowledge of my own) was sexually abused as a child. I have a father who was/is what one may call a "functioning alcoholic", whom I have seen be physically violent in his younger days. I have a mother who, though with good intentions, was rather standoffish as a parent, domineering as a wife, and neglected/abused as a child. All in all, despite the obstacles, we had a very loving family, and as with most everyone, we've developed our own coping mechanisms; mine was detachment and independence. I did what I was supposed to do (to keep the critical eye off of me), was very much a "goody-two-shoes", A-student, followed the rules, didn't drink until I was 21, got & maintained a job when I wanted some extra cash, went to college & got the degree, tried my hand at various relationships along the way, and became a successful, healthy individual in the process. Of course I'm not perfect. I have my quirks. I've offended people in my past. I've spoken out of line during inappropriate times, with inappropriate tones. But my people-skills have generally been honed for professional success.

As for my personal relationships... it's strange. Through my young-adult days, I carried on what's termed as the "serial monogamist lifestyle". I went through boyfriends every two years. Verizon's plan -- new every two. I suppose I was the type to fall in love quite easily, but just love is, in reality, just not enough. After two years, I would start wondering about the future, and whether or not I could deal with this person in my life for much longer; how compatible are we really? is this person good *for* me, as in, does/will he make me want to be a better person? blah blah blah. And usually at about the same time, someone else would catch my eye. Being as entrenched in the supreme value of Monogamy as I was, I of course would break things off with my current beau, in order to start something with my future beau. I must have done this through at least 5 or 6 boyfriends continuously, starting with my highschool sweetheart (pre-sexually active days), all the way until I was happily single for a year -- the year before I met my H. I ended each and every one of those relationships. If I'm any kind of psychological deviant, I'd say I'm a narcissist. Philosophical deviance: hedonism. (Check out this article for a nice, simple breakdown of various competing philosophies dealing with pleasure, if you're interested.)

I sometimes wonder if my string of relationships (and my ultimate desire to "move on" eventually) has anything to do with what I consider my queer sexual orientation, and the denial of/inattention to it. The fact that I never let myself actively pursue my sexual attraction to other women (until after I was married), and that I have generally kept emotionally intimate relationships with other women to a minimum, might have something to do with the various dissatisfactions I've had with my boyfriends, and why I find it relatively easy to withhold this secret life I'm leading right now. I mean, if I can hold as big a secret as sexual orientation from people, then why not be able to handle a sexual affair? And that whole coping mechanism thing of detachment & independence? You can see how that would lead to my astute ability to compartmentalize sex from love.

In a way, these acts of infidelity have given me what I've wanted my entire sexual life -- unattached sexual freedom. I've always deeply wanted to just have sex casually, but it could never happen. Someone would fall in love, and someone else would give in. I always wanted to just put myself out there, but I also didn't want to be known as the town slut either. Living the life of adultery, discretion is a must -- with both partners (so long as they too are in committed, loving relationships). And the freedom I derive from it all is unnamable.

In summary, I suppose you could say that I've liked "diversity" in my love life ever since I began being sexually active. (I was kind of boy-crazy as a young girl too.) Just trying to live as limitless as possible in this limited world.