I feel heart-broken and I feel guilty. I found out at work yesterday that S was in a major accident last Thursday night. He's been in the hospital all weekend and probably won't be back to work in a very long time. I was with him Thursday, after work. We were drinking at a local happy hour. That was when we kissed and began expressing our attraction to one another. Now, come to find out he's been physically hurt, and in such a bad way... guilt for participating in a risky situation that might(?) have led to his accident. It all gets blurred -- the risk of an affair, the risk of drunkenness, the risk of living life on the edge. The accident was not his fault -- the other driver broke the law. And it happened many many hours after our intoxication together. Yet the emotions are intensely blurring together for me. And I can't even call him to see how he's doing. Though he gave me his cell#, the phone is currently in his girlfriend's possession, and turned off.
In the ideal situation emotions and physical passions can be divided. But it turns out I do care about his well-being. I do consider him a friend, and I care that his leg has compound fractures. I care that he'll be out of work, out of pay, and that between him and his girlfriend, they have three children to take care of. Damn it, I do care.
Thursday while we were drinking and talking, he said to me "damn girl, you're gonna mess my head all up." Is that what happens? Do my actions press on men, pushing them to cross the lines they'd otherwise happily hide behind? Is that what I'm doing? S never expressed his attraction to me until he realized I was "okay" with hearing it, until he realized I was flirting with him. And when I told him that I was [delightfully] surprised to find out his attraction for me, he replied that he never said anything to me about it because it's a "respect thing". Understandably. He is after all, a good man.
I wonder, will it *always* be up to me to decide yes or no as an answer about whether or not to pursue any particular affair? And, will the man's answer *always* be yes? Because seriously, I'm finding it more and more difficult to ever say 'no' first, if I feel the types of passion like I do with these men. It just seems like any men who express attraction have already made up their minds that they are willing to stray. All they need is the tiny nudge from me to keep it coming. Can this really be true? I know in the back of my head I probably do screen out potentional partners, but I think the main variables are, "he can't be single", "will he be able to keep this discreet?" and "is he 'cool' enough to remain detached?" I know there are certain other guidelines I should be maintaining, like a) he really shouldn't have any kids already, b) I shouldn't work with him, and c) I should keep them as far away from my town as possible. Yet, I don't follow these rules, do I?
I'm also finding it more and more difficult to determine "male friends" from "potential sex partners", and how to integrate the former into my life (and into H's awareness) without giving away the latter. I used to have so many male friends whom I never slept with, and never planned on sleeping with... that is, until H & I got married. I stopped hanging out with them (or they stopped hanging out with me) and now I guess I just don't know how to bring "male friends" back into my social life in an acceptable, non-threatening way.
Currently, I'm feeling a bit thrown. I mentioned before that a round of transfers is coming up at my job, and it has begun. Some of my work "buddies" have already been sent away, and now S will be gone for a while. The rest of my group are slowly disbanding, and my happy family at work is starting to fall apart. It's only a matter of time when I'll be tossed into the mix of new faces, starting all over. All good things must come to an end, eventually. Will my good thing with M end? Will the start of such a good thing with S end with this job? This is the taste of sadness that has creeped in with the end of summer; and, as with all other things, this too will pass.
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6 comments:
sorry to hear that love. hang in there. i know how you feel about dry spells. they come and go. you are a tough cookie and you won't crumble.
Amazing how you periodically keep describing things that could make you and H really turn out to be my wife and I, if some of the timing in your stories didn't quite work out. Scary, and keeps feeding my worry at some level.
From where I sit, if H has the 'insistent eye', then he will always regard your mail friends he's aware of with some caution (a word chosen rather than suspicion to give him some credit), moreso if you meet some likely general criteria of attractiveness, but even so if not. If there's a continuum of existence from friendship to sex partner, in healthy marriages I would say spouses are probably somewhere in between, or at least covering a large part of the range. But proximity, opportunity and intimacy (not sexual, but the more emotional kind that can come friends of either sex) may leave only the physical as the undiscovered country. And as the barriers drop with drink, with excitment rising outside the relationship that might have become a little 'calm', a little boring, with the rewards of being seen by someone new as desireable and attractive, the likehood of taking care of that kind of itch rises as well.
So we come back to you and H agreeing on your respective boundaries, which you clearly do not, from earlier posts. For me, this would be a relationship dealbreaker. I wouldn't tell her she had to change to suit me, but I wouldn't be able to handle sticking around for it, waiting to see if I was "the one" that particular day.
As to whether it's up to you or the man. YOU have the opportunity to stop it before YOUR boundaries are broken, if they matter to you. The man's choice is his own, and he may or may not be violating his own respective trusts and relationships, you may never know, but he should turn you down if he needs to. I can't say if this choice is as easy to make as it sounds - I've never been faced with it, probably because I don't send out ambiguous signals or put myself in situations where this is likely to come up, at least very easily. Am I missing out on some part of life because I don't? Maybe physically, but for me that's just a piece, and sex is an intensely intimate connection for me. Can't say it's true for everyone else, just how I am.
Thanks all, for responding.
Anonymous, you can rest assured that I am indeed NOT your wife. According to technical statistics, it's virtually impossible. (There's a lot a blog administrator can look up about your system. That's scary.) It worries you that she may be cheating? Have you ever come outright and asked, or brought it up otherwise? Most likely, I'd deny everything if H ever asked... but I guess it really depends on how he'd bring it up. There are so many women out there who know that their husbands are cheating on them, and they accept it, with strength, dignity, realism and grace. But I wonder how many men would feel the same way. I doubt very many.
Infinite & Anonymous, I do agree, ultimately it is my decision, and the responsibility rests solely upon my shoulders. I guess I just find it difficult to make such bold delineations between what's considered "appropriate" and "inappropriate" behavior. (Or as Anonymous refers to as: sending out ambiguous signals.) I find it extremely challenging to reign in my expressions of attraction for someone, if they arise, especially if I get the sense that they feel the same way for me.
Perhaps I should learn from S when he says "it's a respect thing". Perhaps I should try to control my subconscious emanations of sexuality, in order to respect another man's boundaries. Yet, a major part of me thoroughly rejects these notions as simple societal programming that wants to subjugate my personhood by scolding me, controlling my sexual desires, and keeping that thumb pressed against my spirit, maintaining my identity as a claimed woman. That alone carries enough weight for me to push these limits.
why are you being so selfish?
thats all this is.
i was a cheater. im not trying to sound close minded.
you are your H appear to have a good relationship...friendship....partnership. why screw that up because you have the inablity to control your urges??
i almost lost my H.... before he was even my H .... and this was after many different levels of affairs... I just realized that all I was doing, was feeding my ego...
when i had a man who wanted to feed it anyway.
sorry for sounding evil. :(
Anonymous #2, I don't think you sound evil. In fact, what you said is pretty much on point. These affairs/flirting are basically feeding my ego -- much in the same way my committed friendships feed my ego. I love it when I hear from a friend I haven't heard from in a while. It makes me feel like I still exist in someone else's heart who also happens to still exist in mine. It is undoubtedly a wonderfully warm feeling. That too feeds my ego.
Why am I being so selfish? That is the question. What these other men offer me are glimpses into other lifetimes, other pasts, other futures that I know could never fully exist in my reality. They give me something precious that my H couldn't possibly offer. Because he is who he is, and I would never want to change him in order to satisfy my need for diversity. I would never want him to wear a mask he doesn't feel comfortable wearing. And with these other men, they don't need to wear any masks -- the bounty of variation is inherent in the fact that each person is an Other person. By this very nature, my H couldn't even fulfill all those roles if he wanted, for it is an impossibility of being.
Infinite -- I believe I do exercise self-control. Often, according to my H, overly so. Time and again he gives me "permission", urging me to let go and be free with my spirit -- the very "permission" I rarely allow myself, in most other aspects of my life.
As far as "toeing the line" is concerned... I am of the philosophy that lines/rules/laws/etc. must be pushed, in order to validate their strength, purpose and general usefulness in life. Many aspects of my personal life are evidence to my attempts at challenging staid cultural boundaries and limitations. Psychologically speaking, I am most comfortable affecting change in my intimate vicinity -- which usually means close to home, at work, and with friends. Common sense might warn to stay away from these areas, but that rebellious revolutionary in me constantly struggles within these norms of acceptable behavior.
Sorry to hear about the accident. But, you know, you've expressed some interesting psychology in this post. It would be good if you were to explore it a little more.
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