Update, Q&A, etc.

Well, well, well. H has been home for two weeks now, and where do I find myself? What's running through Anonyma's mind lately?

I'm horny. I'm happy Husband is home. I want to fuck. I miss my Buddy. I can't get away from H's insistent eye long enough to write on my blog. Still can't stop the physical attraction at work. I'm really horny. I love fucking my H. Man from work has been out on vacation all week long. Haven't seen Co-worker in a while. Been super busy getting Life Things straightened out...

My last rendezvous with B was so incredibly sexy, and we had such an amazing time together. He joked that he stumbled for just a moment the previous few weeks while I was away -- he caught himself in a terribly sticky mental maneuver that went something like this:

damn, she's awesome. and boy the sex is hot. I did used to have a crush on her back in the day. and I think she likes me alright. we do have so much fun together. she is pretty cool. we could get along pretty well together, couldn't we? what the fuck? am I falling for her?

This train of thought was immediately followed by the righteous devil seated squarely on his shoulder responding, "nah. nah. nah. it's just sex! you a pimp! you a pimp! you're both married, remember?!! IT'S JUST SEX!"

I thought this was a very funny thing. Not only was his delivery hilarious -- B has a very comical nature. But I also chuckled inside, how so often in sexual situations (at least almost all of the ones I've been in) it's been the guy who "falls" first. Once sex is involved, it's like they're hooked, blinded and suddenly they've fallen into a stupor of love. Perhaps it's a big fat joke that women are so lovey-dovey and confuse love with lust so easily, when in fact it's the men who have turned the whole thing around because really they are the ones who are so tender. It's great.

This past week, H and I have had some pretty hot sex. I've found though that there are definitely some things I can not bring into the bedroom with H that come naturally with B. I'm not comparing here -- not making any kind of normative statement about what is better or worse -- just making an observation, for clarity's sake. Perhaps it's a matter of comfort, ease, or what have you. All I know is, some things just don't fit right. Like talking dirty for instance. Some instances of fucking with H might be downright sexy and raw, but something about the role-playing that comes with "oh yeah, you want me to fuck you, don't you? is that what you want? tell me you want me to fuck you" something about that just doesn't resonate with how we have sex together. The aggression/control thing perhaps hits too close to home? (relationship issues...) So we're unable to play with it? Otherwise, the sex was fantastic! I've missed my H incredibly, and I'm glad he's home.

It seems I haven't made any "moves" lately to stray. I think I'm laying low for a while until we both get our routines back up and running smoothly again. However, that said, I feel I need to state that yet another gentleman at work has caught my eye. To be accurate, he *did* catch my eye on the very first day I started working with said company, but our "colleagueship" has been slow to progress. We've always been on amiable terms, lots of jokes within our group of coworkers, buddy-buddy, whatever, but only recently have we become flirtatious, the kind of flirtatious with long, yummy looks, welcome sexual innuendo jokes, physical contact type of flirtatious. We're both still very reserved with each other, but there's definately *something* there. Only two problems I foresee: a) he's got kids, b) he lives less than a mile from us. I know mommies and daddies have affairs all the time, but something approximating a conscience starts to kick in when children are involved. And Proximity being so close -- huge bells ringing loudly, big blaring red signs read: en garde!

Things with M have been hit and miss, mostly miss. He's finally stopped avoiding me at work, but there hasn't been anything overtly assertive as far as approaching me as he had before the medical concern. This past week he's been on vacation, and I have missed seeing him around. I still think about him a lot, and wonder if we'll ever get together again. Sometimes images flash through my head reminding me of those brief few moments we had together, the kissing, the touching, the making out, and I still get waves of pleasure thinking about it all.
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Now, for the Q&A:

Q: "...do you walk away from an encounter like that with any pangs of guilt?"
A: When it comes to sex, I don't feel guilty for doing something considered "wrong". I don't really see the act as an issue of wrong or right. When B tells me that he's having relationship problems with his wife, I do feel bad about that. But I don't see myself as the cause of those problems. I feel "bad" in the same way that I would feel bad for any of my other friends, when they confide their troubles in me. It is empathy, not guilt. Am I perhaps contributing to B's relationship woes? It is a possibility. It is also a possibility that I could be helping him, by displacing his pent up aggressions, thereby freeing up good energy for him to put into working on what they have. There's no real way to know whether my role in his life is helpful or hurtful. I simply exist, and however he chooses to act accordingly is what will determine the direction of his growth. Guilt for deceiving my husband? No... the types of guilt that I feel in regard to H demonstrate themselves in much more strange ways. For example, feeling guilty for not being more of a neat freak. Or feeling guilty because I want to spend more time with the computer than with H at times. Or feeling guilty for not being able to summon up the energy to dote on him more. Maybe my sense of what "guilt" means is not legal enough. In our relationship-response-cycles, I feel remorse when I'm aware that I've hurt him. When I am responsible for causing him pain. At this present time, he is not hurt, he is not distraught, and he is not in pain. So why would there be any remorse?

Q: "...will you pull one of those psychological "I want to get caught" type things?"
A: It is hard to say what one will do in the future, especially as it concerns psychological moves -- most people are quite unaware of their own psychologies. Currently, I can say no, I really don't want to get caught. My actions have been deliberate. I have chosen to cheat by kissing M. I have chosen to pursue an affair with B. This is not a "cry for help". Is it sociopathic behavior? Probably. Is there a part of me that chose to do this, to "see if I can get away with it"? Maybe there's a small part of me, like the cleptomaniac who does it for the rush, the dance with danger. Some people might say that "deep down" all sociopaths really do actually want to get caught, because they desperately desire the help they otherwise can not ask for. From this perspective, I disagree. I think deep down, I'm at worst -- selfishly lustful, desiring to feel as much as possible in this life, with as little cost and as little damage to others as is possible. If I can frolic through life without harming my partner any more than is natural in any intimate relationship, then I think I can go on doing this for as long as I find it pleasurable. "Getting caught" would put a full stop to that. So... no, I don't want to get caught.

Q: "So, how's the STDs?"
A: M has given me the news that he's clean. His medical concern is still apparent, but the doctors don't have an answer to what it is, but it's not any kind of STD. I think his guilt about us was manifesting itself as a rash, personally. Those catholic types have an amazing ability to create apparitions of guilt at any time. I have not had my full check yet, but I think I will very soon. I really don't think I could have contracted anything from just kissing M, and B was married in a state that requires medical disclosures before being wed. (Those are the only two men aside from H I've been intimate with, despite popular opinion that I'm fucking a multitude of men all at once and then boasting about it.) I'd still like to get tested nonetheless. I definitely don't like that kind of anxiety that comes with this sort of thing, and I have a feeling that the dangers/risks involved do act as a deterrent of sorts. It does make me think more than twice before doing anything, rather than go at it willy nilly.

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And for etc.:

I had another awesome masturbation session today. It happened really fast, AND I was on my back! I'll write up the fantasy soon. Teaser: it's a MFF scenario, and I'm on the bottom...