A big thank you to those who have dropped by and left comments that have been warm and supportive. There's a lot of change going on in my life right now, and with that, some expected emotional duress. I'm trying to find that balance where I can fully stand by the choices I make, and live with integrity. What does that mean? To me, it is a matter of staying open to all the possibilities of what may lie in the future. It means being available for self-examination, and not falling into a rut of "this is how it is and so this is how it remains". How does all this play out with my situation?
H & I attended our second swingers' party this weekend. Before we went, we talked about our fears and personal limitations (which didn't turn out to be very many, actually). H expressed his worry about being lost, or forgotten. During sex I have a tendancy of getting so very into the act, that everything else in the world just falls away. At our very first swingers' event, I suppose he wasn't quite prepared to see my blissful state at another man's hands. We agreed this time that I wouldn't forget about him. In the end, we had a blast. We had a very erotic, intimate and loving experience. (The description of the evening will follow as a separate post.)
After having these group sexual encounters, I've had a bit more perspective about what else it is that I get out of my infidelity. Because if it is just the notion of having sex with other men (& women, for that matter), then swinging should be enough, right? As it turns out, it's not just sex. It's everything else that leads up to it. It's the flirting, the apprehensions, the first touch, the first catch of scent, the agonizingly slow exploration of bodies, the seducing and the being seduced. At a swingers' party, none of these qualities are apparent. We all know that we're here for the same thing. There's drinking, dancing, and other types of socializing, but when you're on the beds, or on the sofas, it's basically "down and dirty". That's hot for sure in that utter freedom kind of way. But the feeling that was missing for me was that tingly excitement that's caught at the base of your throat, when you're holding back -- that sense of need to stay under control -- the build-up of heat that leads to an explosion of sheer ecstasy. There's an inherent contradiction here: so it is not pure freedom for which I yearn, for pure freedom, as given by my H, has lost the very quality that excites me. Perhaps Pure Freedom, in its strictest sense, is something that can not be given, for it is something that can not be held, attained, or protected.
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3 comments:
Interesting... but there's a world of difference between "freedom" and "illicit". I like that you're seeking to figure out what makes you tick.
Yes Infinite, there is something about the "newness" of a situation that intrigues me. As an artist, I have found the intense energies that arise during these periods are wonderful sources of profound creativity. It is this that I am addicted to. It is the unexplainable way that I can suddenly "discover" buried fountains of [sometimes obsessive] energy that makes me feel alive and well. I do thrive on excitement... I am addicted to that type of hapiness, and the euphoria that comes with it. Here's the thing though -- how can you convince someone who doesn't believe in a set ethical system that their actions are wrong? That in fact what brings me such joy, such passion for life, such blood-heat in my veins is ethically harmful?
How deeply I fell in love with H is beyond me. It surprises me every day what the world he means to me. I sometimes wish that I could go back to our perfect bubble of fidelity and purely untouched love -- only so that I wouldn't have to worry about him so. (Yet another selfish desire.) How easy that would be to live a life that comes conveniently, if I preferred to be faithful. What simple pleasures would come, if I wasn't motivated so, by the pleasure of my thighs.
As far as the swingers events that we've been to, I'm not sure if I did go into much detail about that first party itself. The party that we are members to requires that only couples attend, thereby guaranteeing that the male:female ratio stays at equillibrium. I would say that the ages range somewhere between 18 (absolute youngest) to about 60? With the majority of the population falling somewhere around 35-52. Keep in mind this is only one particular party scene where you're pre-registered, and must be members to the group in order to be invited to any events. In my opinion, the members are relatively attractive, or at least sexy -- making them attractive. In all honesty though, when the groups break out into active orgies, the ones that last the longest and are most fun to watch are the super-hotties. My theory is that those individuals (and couples who have an individual) who are confidently secure in their own sexiness, tend to be more outgoing and more likely to either a) start the action or b) join in on existing action. All the rest either stand by to watch or find a quiet corner for themselves. (Very similar social-psychology group dynamics as non-sexual activity.)
wdky -- wow, I could write an entire post on that first sentence. I would love to get into what the term illicit means to me. (and perhaps I will, eventually -- but for now, I have a few other half-formed entries waiting to be finished.)
Thanks guys for the ruminations!
wow, i did not realize your blog updated. i just happened to stop by. wow i am behind a little.
i know that build you are talking about. that long foreplay, that anticipation. mmmmm love that feeling.
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