A Slight Shift in Paradigm

I've sensed my moods shifting as of late, and so have arrived upon some thoughts. Very recently it has come to my attention that M has left the company. (Let's say for reasons of his own Big-Ego issues.) I no longer see him everyday at work, and the permanence of his absense has actually made it pretty easy to get on with my day-to-day work. I don't at all feel as though my insides have been ripped out, and I don't think about him all day long anymore. I suppose I didn't realize how consumed I was with "getting another fix" of him, of when I could see him and of looking forward to our lunches together. Now I feel a bit calmer. Quieter, cooler, ready for autumn. I'm enjoying the company of my [other] colleagues moreso these days, and I'm more readily able to concentrate on (and enjoy) the actual work I do. That feels nice.

Seeing as how M was the main guy who got me started with this whole thing, I almost feel as though his leaving my life signifies closing the door to this adulterous lifestyle as well. He never called me outside of work and I don't imagine he'll try to keep in touch with me now that we don't work together anymore. (So there goes that major temptation in my life.) Mr. Smooth is still out from work due to his injuries, and won't be back until January or so. (So that temptation is gone.) B does not make booty-calls -- he leaves that up to me. (So that temptation is readily under control.) And that's about it. It seems this fire may have finally burned itself out.

Temporary is the very nature of these passionate energies.

To have had the pleasure of experiencing these emotions, these physical manifestations of Ultimate Desire, to have tested the limits of that which is forbidden... to have questioned deeply my motivations, my committments, my integrity... has given me choices that I can say for sure were made without regret. I don't look back with disdain, pain or remorse. Neither am I proud, or seek approval for what I have done. It just is.

Have I set my mind to not cheat? I'm not really sure. I think Infinite may be right about the possibility of me just going back to being the me that I was before all of this, as in: attraction outside of my marriage happening few and far between & just not feeling the desire to stray. Throughout all of this, I can say my love for H has remained steady, and our relationship has grown stronger than ever. I'm more aware of his needs, and am more readily willing to accomodate them. I've become more willing to compromise on issues and I've become more open to constructive communication with him. All of these things are very good progress. Were they due to or in direct result of my selfish actions to lead the hedonistic life I've been living? I really can't say for sure. I'm generally not one to assert any kind of causal relationship between events. Whatever the case, I'm pleased with how my life stands today.

Perhaps I have already decided where my personal limits lie. Perhaps I have decided that I've crossed those limits these past few months. And perhaps I have decided that jumping the fence does indeed bring excitement and passionate frenzy. However, much like any drug that affects the seratonin receptors, there are saturation limits, beyond which the body-mind-continuum stops responding with feelings of euphoria. Pushing on the boundaries brings forth this flood of elation, yet surpassing them seemingly takes all the fun away.

Additionally, seeing how these men, who dance with danger, eventually meet their fate because of their impulsive tendencies makes me question the extent of my attractions toward them. It's that very "ballsy" nature that on the one hand grabbed my attention initially, that also gets them pretty deep on the scale of trouble.

I can not affirmatively say that I will become what some may call a "recovering adulterer". My code of morality and ethic has little place for the definitive absolutism required to say that a) adultery is wrong, b) I suffer from this illness, and c) I must believe in a higher power to remedy this situation. So in conclusion, who the hell knows what I'll end up doing (or not doing). I have a feeling that this blog may evolve into a place for me to write about our continued sexual exploits, my taboo fantasies, masturbatory sessions, and other "Unspokens". Perhaps it will eventually include more extramarital attractions, perhaps not. Like I said, who the hell knows?