No, but I would like to feel single again. I miss the quiet evenings to myself. I miss not having to feel obligated to "check in" with anyone. I miss the simple detached lifestyle with little to no personal responsibilities to or for anyone. During my darkest, most distanced self, I feel as though I could be that woman from The Hours played by Julianne Moore. The woman who tried to be the wife that everyone else is, who tried to be the mother that everyone else is, who failed miserably at all elements of being that wife, that mother, who failed and was brought to momentous tears during the simple act of baking a cake. During these moments, brief as they are, I can superimpose myself into this tragic situation where I make the wrong choices to please my husband, sacrificing my entire being by doing so. I can see the passion draining away with every minute spent fulfilling such roles. Yes, at times I can have a flair for the dramatic. I kid, but in there is a truth set so deep that when I am facing the darkness of my hidden self, I embody this truth wholeheartedly.
The fact of the matter is that I give of myself rather generously. And just as when I am speeding down the road, the heavy foot gets heavier and before I fully realize it, I'm going at a pace that is realistically unsustainable. My generous acts of giving have turned into something rote, something expected, something of a norm. And then I must keep pace because my perfectionist self demands it, rather than face the reality of falling short. So then what once were free gestures of giving, have turned into obligation, unwanted heavy burden, perceived as stolen sacrifice.
Perceived, I say. Temporarily. This is the silent-side me that desires, that wants, that yearns to take anything I can. This is the silent-side me that wants my own bedroom, that wants my own secret garden, my own hidden apartment, that fights against all the things that come with marriage.
No, I don't want to be single again. And I could list all the reasons why I'm absolutely passionately in love with my husband, but I won't. I just want to feel single again.
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2 comments:
I can identify with that.
I also sometimes want to experience the thrill of a relationship beginning. I realise that before I got married I got addicted to the euphoria of the chase and conquer.
After my husband´s emotional affair this happened.
Now I am cured !! I dont want to experience that euphoria again - not when it comes with so much pain.
My version of this desire is different. I am the marrying sort, so I don't want to change that. What I'd like to do is clone myself so the other me could stay single and fuck around as much as he wants. Why can't I have it both ways?
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