updating ramblings

Nightside Jonny gave a semi-shout-out (more a note of concern) about our little circle of bloggers hitting somewhat of a cold streak. Some bloggers dropping off, others (such as myself) hitting some lows, etc. Well, I'd like to explain more about what I'm going through, so as to not come off entirely as utterly depressed. Because in reality, I'm not. I'm in avoidance mode. See, my life has always been afflicted with cycles. Time goes round and comes back again hitting me with reflective images that seem warped, yet for the most part haven't changed. Friend-visits ebb and flow and I'm struck at how often these visits time themselves in such a way that I'm hit by them all at once. So when you're hit by friend-visits with whom you've been mischievous, with whom you've done naughty things... especially after a period of time that you've intentionally put yourself in a state of mind to not be mischeivous, well then suddenly life is a cacophany of disruptive, non-harmonious emotions.

My marriage with H has been rather steady. There isn't much dissonance, and when we do bicker or fight, it's usually a result of personal stress or lack of energy. He is a part of me, and I of him. Sometimes unfortunately, because of this, he is highly responsive to my bouts of emotional distancing. Lately, I have been pulling away emotionally, in an attempt to steal personal time for myself, rather unsuccessfully. In the midst of this out-of-syncedness, I have had a few reminders of what mischief I was into before the autum had dropped all its leaves.

We've been out with The Couple a few more times now, and I'm convinced that my crush on both parties is only growing. I get the sense that they both *like* me on a personal, friendship level, and I feel rather close to the both of them. H is not so open to considering them as "close friends" because of some strange personality quirks, and my guess is it would be totally out of the question to get involved any more than we already are. So, I get to tuck away all that sexual tension and only let it seep out when we do hang out together, as visuals that I get in the middle of conversation. Often the fantasies deal with touching and kissing -- the Wife has all these cute little freckles all over her neck that I'd absolutely love to nibble on. The attraction with the Husband comes as "connections" we make, on humor, on music, on mostly intellectual grounds, but then there's those accidental leg caresses that happen under the table. Is he aware of them? I really don't know, but I know I like it.

Last week, I attended a company holiday party, whereby I was shocked at the little butterflies I felt upon seeing M. After his transfer to a different department, I relegated myself to never seeing him again. And there he was, dressed nicely, freshly shaven, with that same face I loved to look at. Damn, the images came as a torrent throughout my body. I remembered, felt the shudders flow through me as I felt his hand once again pushing down on my back, making me arch my body as he held my hips, pushing and guiding me to do his bidding (all completely clothed). After a bit of time, I built up the nerve to go say hello. I too was dressed quite nicely, as opposed to the casual attire my co-workers are accustomed to seeing me in. It was heaven to smell him again. He told me he lost my phone number. He said he's been wanting to call me. Inside, I'm thinking "lies. it's all lies" but at the same time, it was nice to hear that he'd thought of me. So I gave my number to him one more time. Will he call? Doubtful. But it sure was nice flirting with him once more. And yes, I still hold a candle for him.

Days ago, I received an email from B. He was concerned about me because we hadn't spoken or communicated in quite a bit of time. He told me that he really enjoyed our summer/fall times spent together. He told me how wonderful I am. And how he misses me. I remembered his very thick cock and how tight I was, and how amazing he felt. I remembered our various sessions together, at the hotel, on the desk, in an abandoned building (on someone else's desk). Yes, the sex was great. We're definitely steaming together, for sure. I said I wanted to see him again for coffee, but right now's just not the time. Maybe after the new year... Will I make the conscious decision to do or not do anything? I'm pretty damned tired of making conscious decisions.

Today out of nowhere, Mr. Smooth calls me up. He says he just passed me on the road. Mr. Smooth called me. That's a first. All the times I've spoken with him on the phone have been when I've called him. And ever since the last time, I decided I wasn't going to call him again. Why? His girlfriend picked up his phone. Talk about Damn! So I told myself it wasn't in the cards. And seeing as how he never called me, it was just too close for my comfort. And then as we're on the phone, he tells me that actually his girlfriend is there, driving him around town (he's still healing from the accident). All I have to say is they must have some kind of an amazing relationship, or he's just really good at explaining himself to her.

On top of all that, the holiday party was simply fun. Great interactions with people I haven't had the opportunity to speak with in such a relaxed setting, and the comments at work afterward were even better! Let's just say it was quite the ego-boost to be told how beautiful you are by all sorts of people.

I have had a few moments of jealousy pop up too... both times involved dancing. My H really likes to dance. Under normal circumstances, so do I. Together, we make quite the dancing team, especially when we're drunk. Twice in the past month or so, I've declined dancing with H, and he's turned to other ladies to be his dance partner at the time. No biggie. I was happy for it, so he'd stop bothering me about it. But I did feel that twinge of jealousy. And when I thought about it some more, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the kind of jealousy that deals with competition or worry about him cheating on me. It was the fact that I couldn't have my fun on the side... and I did it all to myself.

Infinite asks, "what can't you deal without more? H or self?" I'm not quite sure I can answer that question fully. H is my world. To imagine a future without him seems bleak, fragmented, and completely unreal. He makes me enjoy living so much, and given the choice, I choose to have him in my life. I choose this daily. And self, well everything is constantly changing, including this self. My desires may be strong, and my will may be stronger, but self? How can I disassemble any of the parts and still remain a full self? Going along like this, pretending to be this woman, who is absolutely fulfilled with life as it is... it is like living with a partially disassembled internal organ. I can do it. It is possible. Is it healthy? Absolutely not. It is making me sicker with each day that passes.

So, the state that I'm in is... contemplative. Weighing factors in my mind, not making any decisions... just letting things be for now. In all honesty, I'd rather just act without any decisions on any matters. And deal with the consequences as they arise. All this anguish just isn't worth it for a person who doesn't feel morally tethered by anything.