how do i fight the urges to keep checking my email? how do I ignore the pulsations that are reminders of what happened just yesterday early morning? how do i keep from imagining what he's doing now? How do I keep from going over the scenes, the clips of time memory that make up this flesh? how do i keep from re-reading what I've written about him? i can't. it's that simple.
even the sounds of this music move me, fill me with body- sensations that revolve around him. how can i stop those reverberations? i can't. it's impossible.
he said he thinks he's always trusted me.
do i question my instinct? could i be wrong about what he sees in me? could i be wrong about what i see in him? i've known him, but i don't really know him. he's always been somewhat of a mystery to me. over ten years, i've known him. but i don't know what drives him, what makes him tick. though i know these are terrible things to want in an extra-marital affair, i want them from him. and yet i know i can't pursue a "R"elationship with him. with all the others, sex was just sex. there was no way i could fall in love with any of them. but with him... there is a distinct possibility... a part of me hopes that he puts this past him, ignores me, or in an adult-type way can express his joy and yet still communicate that it just can't work. that he can't do it. because i fear that i wouldn't have the strength to say no. i fear that i am standing at the edge of an abyss, and at any moment i could slip away and the world as i know it flies out of my grasp. this is what he does to me.
should i dash his hopes? that i would never leave my H.
and yet still, i yearn for an iota of a response to my letter. i fear i shall be disappointed.
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1 comment:
wow, I havent read the last post, I'm just catching up! I hope he emailed you!
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