an appreciative wife

so. it has been a very long time since I've done any kind of anonyma-living. a very long time. i've somehow managed to not return any of Mr. Smooth's phone calls, not contacted my Buddy, not email BeautyEyes, not bug M with innocent text messaging, and not be sexually attracted to anyone at work. sex with my H has continued to be a blessing, and i've actually gotten to a point where I'm rather comfortable and truly enjoy receiving oral from him. sex is still not as frequent as i prefer (nor he for that matter), but we still rock each other like mad in bed. our marital life on other fronts is ridiculously perfect, and I couldn't imagine a better person to spend the rest of my life with.

I realize it must be confusing, or troubling even, how I can feel such profound joy and happiness in our marriage, and yet be totally accepting in my non-moral stance about committing adultery. i can easily see how it could show lack of integrity, as though i am lying to myself. and yet, through all of this reflection, and after distancing myself from these actions, i still feel the same -- wholly and integrally in tune with what is true to my heart.

recently, i had a few moments of jealousy crop up when i entertained the idea that perhaps my H's long hours at work this year were his cover for having an affair. then the denial hit -- "no, no, of course he's not having an affair; I know exactly what's keeping him at work each and every day. and he's too distracted, he could never keep something like that from me. besides he's a wuss, he'd totally fall in love if he were involved with someone else, and then it would be obvious." but i kept playing anyway -- "okay, so what if he is having an affair, and i'm totally falling for his act?" then i starting thinking about which of the women i knew who he might want. what's funny is i wouldn't mind if it was one of our friends... unless she happened to be more of a friend to him than to me. isn't that strange? jealousy. fear of the unknown. i let my mind play that game for a little while, and then all of the sudden, i said to myself, fuck it. if it's happening, it's happening. i sure as hell don't want to know about it. we're still happy, no matter what outside information I know or don't know. we enjoy each other's company so very much in our recreational time, that in all honesty, what he does at work, on his time, i could care less, so long as it doesn't come back to bite me (as in stds or open flaunting that would directly lead to causing me pain, in the manner of jealousy). and so i realize, i could easily participate in an open relationship, with the basic ground rules of common courtesy of course. i mean shit, we're already swingers, it's not much of stretch to push it all the way open, is it?

and here comes my black guilt of a conscience creeping up, "aha. you knew this all along. this is what you wanted from the beginning, and you were too much of coward to say it up front. and now you're trying to inject this lifestyle into a person who does not choose it freely. this is no good. i can not entice a man into the simple and acceptable life of monogamy and flip it around on him once he's been ensnared. that just isn't fair." so i go on, thankful for the beautiful life i'm living, for the romance my wonderful husband is giving, and for all the privilege this life has to offer.

all along, knowing that i could easily live on my own, promiscuous and free. I could, if I had to. And I would enjoy it, thoroughly. and yet, a married life with my H is what I prefer. It is what I choose. Everyday I choose him over the myriad other choices and opportunities that await. without the "options", I would not have the opportunity to make such a profound, existential choice.