Aftermath

First I'd like to thank all the new visitors to this blog -- I'm pleasantly surprised and graciously welcoming of your reflections, your readership, your thoughts, your input. This place has been a refuge for me, somewhere I go when I need clarity, or a simple outlet for my harried emotions. I don't profess to be capable of giving advice or teaching in any way, but my writings do tend to be rather meaningful for me, and when these thoughts can touch someone else in a similar fashion, then I'm grateful for that momentary shared experience.

Yesterday was quite difficult for me because I woke up to an empty home, my head, body and spirit filled with a chaotic mix of feelings that ranged from exhaustion to delight. I craved a single, quiet response from BeautyEyes that never actually appeared. I wanted to know that he was okay with everything, or at least that he was going through something, anything, and that I in fact wasn't alone in my state of absolute confusion. The absence of recognition was painful, but eventually I did manage to get through the entire day.

And like clockwork, my H, in his hypersensitive extrasensory perception, tells me a story. It is about a colleague, who is currently suffering in his marriage because of how affairs have insinuated themselves between the two, and about the repurcussions of it all. The magnitude of those consequences is astounding, really. The couple has been living with this heavy issue for over ten years, with little to no resolution. And my H, in the telling of his tale, is so calm and understanding. He explains everything with a pragmatism that I feel is meant to give comfort to me. The thought crossed my mind once more that perhaps he does know about this website, and perhaps he has known all along. This thought does not give me the creeps anymore; in fact, if it is the case, what can I do about it? I did not broadcast it, I have tried the best I can to keep this part of me to myself, and so if he has stumbled upon it, and still is able to be the man I know him to be, then what is there to do?

In our phone conversation last night, he reminded me of the "pact" that we made -- that if I were to have a simple sexual encounter, to not mention it to him. There would be no need of it, for all it would bring to our lives would be misery, jealousy and unnecessary pain. However, if I found myself falling in love with another person, (which often happens in extramarital affairs) then that is an issue that needs a dialogue.

How could it be?? The timing for this kind of conversation is on the mark, in so many ways. Here I am feeling as though I have crossed a line with BeautyEyes because our interactions were so fully incorporated -- he is a good person and on a friendship level, he is someone that I trust and admire; on an intimate friend level, he is someone I feel connected with on so very many planes; on a sexual level, I feel as though our compatibility is tremendous. And so I am shaken; perhaps I should not have pursued this line through the thicket, for now I am caught by own flesh. And just as I am working through these feelings, here comes my H, bringing up these very issues from his perspective.

As painful as it was to have that kind of conversation over the phone, knowing what I know, it brought me such comfort and trust in my love for my H. He knows who I am, and he knows my passion. He may or may not know the details of what pursuits I've had, but whatever the case, he is an incredibly compassionate man whose love I cherish fully and eternally. Our conversation helped ground me and remind me of the strength I have in my core. I am entirely thankful for that, and today is a new day. I still have the desire to hear from BeautyEyes -- just a signal that things are okay between us. I still also plan on sending him the letter I'm currently writing and the package I'm compiling for his home and work space. So in a way, I'm still traveling this path, but I'm rooted again in what I know to be a good place for me. And that is truly a miracle.