Epiphany

Wow, I just watched this video from YouTube and I had an incredible realization.



What was so different with BeautyEyes? Why that sense of comfort? Why that feeling of familiarity? At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it, but now I understand. Touching him and being with him felt like being with another woman. Our kisses, our touches, everything about us had the quality of sapphic desire. Normally, I abhor the categorizations of male/female, masculine/feminine, etc. The dichotomization of gender seems quite limiting and pushes up walls and boundaries where they shouldn't exist. And yet still, there is something inside me that finds real comfort in making this distinction: lesbian sex is different from straight sex. Aside from the obvious technical differences, there is something else about lez-love that seems to cast a certain hue on the act that is generally rare in man/woman sex.

I've had sex with a lot of men. I've kissed plenty more. In almost every instance, the underlying quality of it all has a sense of probing. And it's not just the physical quality of a penis probing the vagina either -- it's the feeling of the other as something foreign that begs understanding. It's the searching for common ground, and through that search it's discovering uncharted territories that bring excitement and heart-pounding breath. I've had sensuous sex, acrobatic sex, emotional sex, spiritual sex, communion-type sex, fun sex, rote sex, drunken sex, rolling sex, beginner's sex, artful sex. It's run the gamut as to the varying character of sex I've had, and still that probing is there. As though, even when I lay naked, I am still clothed. As though layers still exist, in want of shedding.

Perhaps it has nothing to do with gender or lesbian sex, categorically. Maybe it is simply a matter of translucency and comfort, and where I find that quality happens amidst women, and occasionally that special man, or two. (As it seems, I married one.) I suppose the affairs I've had with these other "manly men" has indeed filled a niche left somewhat vacant by monogamous sex with the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I hate to think of marriage as an act of emasculation, but on some levels, that's exactly what happens, to the both of us. Becoming partners naturally kicks away power-play, as that is required emotionally to get along day to day. "Straight (hetero) sex" allows me to succumb under someone else's thumb, and fulfill a somewhat subservient role that I do miss from time to time with my H.

So the question remains, why did my experience with BeautyEyes not fall into the "straight (hetero) sex" category? Could it be our shared history -- a built-in precursor to an emotional connection? Could it be that I am allowing another person aside from my H into a place strictly reserved for a true loving relationship for the first time? Whatever the case, it's different, it's terrifying, and it's sure to bring change into my life. At the very least, it's brought up strong sentiments about living poly again that I've long buried and want to keep submerged. I want it to remain hidden from sight and I don't want to deal with the consequences. I don't want to share this with my husband because I don't want our relationship to change. I don't want to make him unhappy, and I don't want us to be quarrelsome. In some ways, you could say I don't want us to grow. There's far too much youthful spirit in our relationship right now to ruin with an accelerated growth spurt. My discomfort in hiding these truths is more than tolerable, in comparison to what might arise if we change things now. Maybe some day I'll get too antsy to keep holding it in, or maybe he'll sense that I'm just too "off", or perhaps even he'll change of his own accord and develop the desires to stray as I currently do. Who knows, though the latter is rather doubtful. Until then, I'm not going to sacrifice our current state of affairs for a brief sanctuary in loose-lipped honesty. No good could come of that. Besides, I have this here -- my group of anonymous friends -- should I find the need for full disclosure. And thank the heavens for that. Without this community, I might have done something really stupid already.