Today, I thought about a man who lived an alternate life with me in some other existent universe. He was and remains very special to me because of his role in my nascent (and currently abandoned) life-philosophies of polyamory. I remembered his confusion when I told him I was leaving the country with another man. I remembered that he spoke with my ex about my departure in terms of his broken heart and having fallen for me completely. I remembered him saying that he just didn't understand because we were so good together; he gave me all the space that I asked for, he gave me all the freedom I wanted, so why in the world was I leaving him? It's true. We were amazing together, and he let me live my life and my loves the way I knew how. We had everything going for us, and yet I left him -- for a man who requested that I be monogamous; for a man who wanted to be the only man in my life; for the man I eventually married.
For a brief moment, I had one foot on that alternate path. He was a musician -- lived his life to the beat and rhythms all around. I was a poet, mired in the intangible sounds of worded beauty. Together, we created summertime thunderstorms of two lives that collapsed and expanded along with the cycles of day and night. We were emotionally open to one another, warm and receptive. He, accepting of all I had to offer, was also accepting of my boundless pursuits with other men. He told me he loved me. Every moment we shared together was authentic, genuine. So much so, that as my relationship with H developed, I was asked by H to keep my distance from Mr. Musician. There. It was then that the request made itself loud and clear. H wanted me to himself.
What I didn't understand at the time, that I now realize in small, painful bursts is the poly concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE). I had it all around me during that brief period of time. And as energies go, they interact with other energies, combating, canceling and overriding one another. The thing I think most people take for granted is that the polyamorous life is not one of a non-commital state. In fact, it demands a hyper-vigilence in commitment because the pull of NRE is that which is so incredibly strong, all but the deeply rooted seedlings will be torn apart by its passions. And that is exactly what happened with Mr. Musician and H. I was not committed to any one person, and so the strongest NRE won out. I gave in to emotional sentiment, and didn't quite have a fully developed sense of what kind of life I wanted to lead, with my H, or with anyone else. And so, I fell back to what I knew -- a whirlwind fairy tale of romantic love that had a very clear path as to which direction it was headed. It was simple. It was clean.
Years later, after the dust has settled (somewhat), I am coming to understand more and more that my yearning for diverse sources of intimacy plays a large role in who I am, and in the person I would like to become. Where I am right now makes sense to me, with respect to my desires and my happiness. The affairs that I have committed fall right in place, when I look at my relationship history as a whole. I am extremely enchanted by that New Relationship Energy, and so much reflection happens as a result of that. When I lay back in the still, calm comfort of our healthy relationship, sometimes I feel a bit dead. And that's not to say that our relationship is dead, but more specifically -- that my individual blossoming is halted on some levels. It would really pain my H to hear me say that, so I don't tell him in such explicit language; instead, I act in ways to stimulate myself and create the space I need to keep going. I also realize that my relationship with H is central to this flowering. Our connection is like a bastion that keeps me centered, keeps me anchored. I could not follow my fiery spirit without what H and I share. I'm not sure that he understands that, and without informing him of all this, I'm not sure that I could clarify that for him. I can only hope that some primal part of him can sense it and realize it without the necessity of articulating the matter.
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5 comments:
Do you ever regret your choice? Do you ever wish that you had stayed with the musician in your freedom? Is the NRE and what it became enough without the open polyamory?
I read every word of your posting with great interest. You will understand why if you read my blog.
hornymaleuk, thank you for your comment. and little did you know that I have lurked around your blog from time to time, so yes, I do understand and truly appreciate your interest. :)
chris, regret is such a slippery word. what I have found with my H is something I could never regret. and in some ways, I know that the only way we could be here is through those very choices that had to be made. a life with Mr. Musician would have been something else entirely. I don't even know if the open relationship would have even lasted. looking back from where I am now is rather quite useless; that is, there's no point in fantasizing about how things could have been. on the other hand, I do recall that period in my life with a real sense of nostalgia.
when I agreed to begin a relationship with H, I knew all that I was giving up. but it wasn't like joining AA and becoming abstinent. I was simply preferring one beer over another. there was something about H that spurred me to want something beyond what can be achieved in an infatuation and lust-based relationship. I wanted to give as much as I could possibly give to him. I wanted to make offerings to us in ways that are specific to lifetime partners. I wanted to sacrifice my soul to him. With NRE, that's not the case. With NRE, it's obsession -- something you can't control; something that takes over you. There's very little say in the matter and very little choice. The inflamed passions just carry you along, and you are a passive passenger, enjoying the ride. The fact that I actively choose my closeness with H on a daily basis is something I cherish about our marriage. It has meaning in a way that simply can not exist under other conditions. The question now is, where can I go from here? I'm learning things about who I am and what I want, and how can I incorporate all this into the space that H and I have carved out for ourselves?
Is H aware of your past proclivities?
And you had a past post about attending a swap party...would that be fulfilling enough for you, to share your need for others in a controlled environment like that with H?
Hello once again, my friend of many names. Yes, my H is aware of my entire history. He knew what he was getting into, in a sense. When we began courting, I had hopes that he would be as accepting as Mr. Musician was of my... proclivities, as you put it. But alas, he communicated quite clearly that he did not have it in his capacity to feel comfortable in an open relationship with me. I suppose I'm still hoping quietly.
The thing about swingers parties... it's fun, like a night out clubbing or bar-hopping. But there's entirely too strong a sense of "this is completely casual" which in a way lets some of the steam out. It still can be sexy, depending on who you meet, and how well you click, but that very thing that gets me rattling, that makes simple touching feel so seductive, is something that is necessarily absent in that controlled environment.
The other thing, the more important thing is that I feel we have conflicting desires, even with swinging. There is something too tender about the entire situation... I know that he is not fully comfortable with it, and so I don't want to push him. I think he also knows that I have a longing that can not be entirely fulfilled within our boundaries. Despite his discomfort, he wants to offer this to me, to allay my bubblings desires. And despite my desires, I still don't want to push his discomfort. And so there's this psychological imbalance that needs to be put to rest before any real sense of shared freedom can exist. We can continue going through the motions and go to more swingers parties, but it wouldn't be an act of sincerity. We'd only be playing roles. And that's just not acceptable to me.
It's really complicated. I wish things could be so simple.
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