quickly now...

Hello all,

I'd like to thank every one of you who has commented here, emailed me and those of you who have been reading my blog. I do very much appreciate your support, readership and recognition.

Yes, I've been on quite the hiatus from this blog -- in many ways this is good. H and I have been in a very good place and life's activities have kept me rather busy. I'm working on a few things, and struggling with a few others, and when I get a chance, I will work through them in written form.

I'd like to extend an extra thanks to tom paine for reminding me of that pitfall of complacency, of which I skirt around often, and sometimes get lost in. That is, the complacency that what I do and the things I decide are settled, because well, that's how the lot goes. But really, nothing is ever settled, and there will always be a struggle over ethical, moral and integrity-based issues. That is in fact my lot, and I should never forget that.

Currently, I'm attempting to maintain these boundaries that are generally observed as a given by the general public. I'm faring rather well at it, and I think I've realized one thing, at least: as the saying goes, (something along the lines of) "men will cheat if given the opportunity", and how it pertains to me -- it has become apparent to me that the results of my sexual appetite for Others has had little impact on the real substance of my marriage. Because of that, I will cheat if given the opportunity; if I am kept busy on the other hand, I may still have a wandering eye but it becomes impractical to pursue anything. I don't have much of a problem with that. However, despite my nonchalance about this emotionally-distant situation with extra lovers, I am dismayed at the deception behind it all. I feel "morally upright" during times of abstinence, and I feel "somewhat bothered" at most, when I'm feasting on these carnal desires. It makes it easier to follow the rules. And I do have the dream that someday my husband and I will be comfortable enough to even approach the subject once more. Until I am assured that our combined insecurities are minimized enough, I will not breach the topic with him. I don't believe I'll ever quit cold-turkey, but I have come to the conclusion that yes, these desires can be accepted and controlled, and perhaps the scales do slightly tip in favor of previously agreed-upon social contracts. Maybe one day I'll propose an amendment, but only when I know the time is right. Until then, my anonymous affairs in this adulterer's life may continue indefinitely, as sporadic as they may be...