Sunday, November 25, 2007

is it time?

YoungMan and H are both saying the same thing to me: "what do you want?" For someone who has been so sure for so long about what she wants out of life, why am I finding it so difficult to take this next step? My wants, my needs, my physical and emotional desires... they are all at odds with one another. And the "shoulds" are speaking so loudly, shouting, and they are so strong, but I know I can not be led by "shoulds" alone. H and I could never have a fulfilling marriage if it is only obligation that keeps us together.

What *do* I want??

. a fresh start with YoungMan
. stability with H
. a place of my own
. a long and happy life with H
. the time and capacity to "date"
. to be "single" and still have H in my life
. more time to spend with YoungMan, guilt-free
. a shared life with H, where we can each wander in and out of it
. fulfilling sex, and lots of it
. for H to be less insecure


I used to be proud to say that I am relatively "low-maintenance" as a romantic partner. I generally don't demand very much, I don't need constant affirmation, I don't nag, I don't need to be treated like a princess to be happy, I don't need lots of gifts and material objects. In fact, it's the very simple pleasures that elicit the most deeply profound joys... but it seems the few desires that I do choose to voice are simply too much for most men to handle. I fucking like sex -- keep me satisfied and I will coo and curl up in your arms and adore you. If you find you can't keep me occupied, then let me find other avenues. Is that so much of a challenge to a man's sense of machismo?

My H's insecurities are something I need to respect. I understand that certain things make him feel very vulnerable. The fact that he is aware of these things and trusts me enough to expose himself in this way is wonderful and says a lot about where he places me in his scheme of things. The fact that it has taken me 5 years to expose my deep vulnerabilities with him says something about me and where I stand in our relationship. This whole time that I've been "protecting" him from feeling the pain of my truths means I haven't trusted him, and I haven't trusted our relationship to withstand my weaknesses. It seems apparent that my instincts were right... that neither he nor our relationship can take the abuse of my darkest desires.

I think I want to take a time-out. I need to re-group, and find my center again. There's too much confusion. Love is everywhere. Love is all around. And yet it's not about love. It's about knowing yourself, knowing your own needs, and choosing to live in such a way that you get them fulfilled, without hurting the people around you. And in this situation, I'm just not sure if that's possible. I'm not sure if H can have his needs met by me without creating a situation that will ultimately hurt me, and I'm not sure if I can have my needs met by him. I'm even less sure of what YoungMan and I can give to one another, and I don't want to use that blossoming relationship as a crutch either. Whatever happens between us, I want to happen spontaneously, freely, and from a place within -- not as the result of a rebound, or the whole host of external factors.

H and I are "talked-out" right now. Every conversation we have is loaded with painful emotions, and heavy meaning. We're both seeking distraction right now, to avoid the situation between us. When we talk again, maybe I'll have the courage to ask for that time-out.


Anonymous said...

You are going through such a tough time right now. I would not want to be in your shoes...

Anonymous said...

If H is looking for some set of magic words from you that will restore the trust, make him feel it was all a horrible dream, give him back the feeling he had before he came home and found out the truth... those words don't exist. What was has changed and gone forever. He is looking for the person he thought you used to be, neither of you believe in that person any more so it would be a kindness to lay her to rest.
I wonder what YoungMan will say about you to people he knows when he is an OldMan. Don't expect too much of him. It is easy to look good in the position he is in, easy to say the right thing but at least while you are still living with H he doesn't really have to stand the tougher test of being in a real relationship with you instead of being the other player in a secret sexy game.
You should take the break now. You had the courage to have sex with so many co-workers, to burden your husband with your feelings about YoungMan and presumably a greater knowledge about what you have been doing. H needs to be able to get some self-respect back before he can feel secure with anyone again, let alone you. He cannot possibly do that wondering which of your 'promises' you are keeping and which you are not.
Set him free, set yourself free and if you want to preserve pleasant memories of YoungMan set him free too. Do it now. As perverse as it may seem it would be a gift of love to everyone.

bdenied said...

I am sorry to see you still struggle....trying to please yourself, H and is so difficult and if only they would allow you to be you.....why are we so insecure.....when you say a time out I think you mean you want to separate.......start using the words that convey what you mean......if you want to fuck say it.....if you want to love say it.....if you want polyamory say it.....good luck,,,,keep letting us know how it goes

HankMoody said...

I have been reading your blog since I discovered it, probably around the time you had just started seeing YoungMan. I would like to say that there are no words of moral judgement in what I have to say and I think you are very brave for putting your feelings out in the world, in this way.

It seems to me however, that you are putting yourself and those who care about you through a lot of unnecessary drama around this whole thing, and my suspicion is that such drama is doing something for you, not them.

On the front page of your blog, in the profile, you reference how you are "still madly in love with my husband." In fairness to all, I think this is not exactly true. You may be madly in love with the person you wish he could be, but desires that push you to have liaisons in secret seem to indicate that you don't love him enough.

There is not one thing wrong with you desiring to have sex, or love or whatever, with other men. The problem here is that is not what H signed up for, and now you are attempting to change the rules of the game. From what you have said, there is only so far he is capable of going before insecurity, jealousy and god knows what else sets in. It seems pretty clear to me that he is never going to be comfortable going as far as you will want, or ultimately, require.

Then there is YoungMan. I used to be this guy, all caught up in a wonderful and torrid love affair with an older woman. It is so easy to have it be exciting, a sexual sanctuary away from the rest of the world, but it cannot and will not be sustained when real life creeps in. YoungMan is young and probably has a good bit of living to do before he really knows what he wants out of life and a partner. Maybe not, but I have a hard time believing YoungMan is a viable long-term partner for you. Perhaps just a hunch.

I think the anonymous poster earlier said it very well when he/she intimated that what you and H had before is now gone and no words can bring that back. However, there is some good news in this because now that you have come clean about yourself and your desires, you have the ability to move on, loving H enough to release him to his own path where he can be with someone who satisfies and loves him in the way he needs to be, for himself.

You should be able to be with someone who sees the world the way you do. In a relationship with someone who is open, perhaps you will finally have the ability to test your sexual wings. Maybe after a time, you won't even like or need such a lifestyle...or maybe you will love it and live it for the rest of your life. You will never know until you try.

But you can't have your cake and eat it too. I don't think it is reasonable to expect that you can be "single" and still have H. You say you want a fulfilling life with H where "we can each wander in and out of it." But what if H doesn't want that? What if he just wants a wife who is sexually committed to him? That's ok, and doesn't make him a bad person.

I hope you do get the "time out" you desire and I hope H backs off enough to let you have all the time you want with YoungMan. When the realities of living on your own kick in, when you can see YoungMan or anyone else you want, with H purposefully on the sidelines...only then are you going to know whether this is what you want.

Cyris Vali said...

anonym, what if H agrees and while you're both wandering in and out of your shared life, he finds someone else and never wanders back? are you willing to sacrifice that?
as always, i feel and understand what you're saying, but this would be my biggest fear, because really, if it were me and he were to leave, really, what right do i have to try and bring him back? if he found happiness while i was enjoying mine, i'd really have no right and would possibly loose him forever. i don't think i have the guts to risk that.

vsk witness said...

As someone who has worn shoes about the same size as H . . . Time does tend to prove that the reality of his fears are smaller than he might think. After time has passed I no longer really feel threatened much by my wife's wandering eye. I know where I stand with her and that is something I had to figure out for myself. Give H time and he very well might figure out how he feels in a way that is not so freighted with insecurity. It seems to me from your wish list that you plan on keeping him around and that should reassure him, eventually.

Anonymous said...

I see an amazing amount of selfishness here.

It's all about you. Your needs. Your desires. You getting sex from wherever you can, from whomever you can, whenever you can.

Everyone in your life is focused on giving you what you want, figuring out what you want, and meeting your so-called "needs".

It's interesting that you never once seem to honestly consider what it might be that those you've hurt want or need from you and, even when you do, you callously pass over it when it doesn't fit your own agenda.

And, while you play at the idea that you actually care about who you might hurt along the way - whether it's the man you married or the lover's you've become 'attached' to along the way - your actions betray your words. If you actually cared about anyone but yourself, you would have taken into consideration the damage you were causing before it all came crashing down on you.