YoungMan and H are both saying the same thing to me: "what do you want?" For someone who has been so sure for so long about what she wants out of life, why am I finding it so difficult to take this next step? My wants, my needs, my physical and emotional desires... they are all at odds with one another. And the "shoulds" are speaking so loudly, shouting, and they are so strong, but I know I can not be led by "shoulds" alone. H and I could never have a fulfilling marriage if it is only obligation that keeps us together.
What *do* I want??
. a fresh start with YoungMan
. stability with H
. a place of my own
. a long and happy life with H
. the time and capacity to "date"
. to be "single" and still have H in my life
. more time to spend with YoungMan, guilt-free
. a shared life with H, where we can each wander in and out of it
. fulfilling sex, and lots of it
. for H to be less insecure
I used to be proud to say that I am relatively "low-maintenance" as a romantic partner. I generally don't demand very much, I don't need constant affirmation, I don't nag, I don't need to be treated like a princess to be happy, I don't need lots of gifts and material objects. In fact, it's the very simple pleasures that elicit the most deeply profound joys... but it seems the few desires that I do choose to voice are simply too much for most men to handle. I fucking like sex -- keep me satisfied and I will coo and curl up in your arms and adore you. If you find you can't keep me occupied, then let me find other avenues. Is that so much of a challenge to a man's sense of machismo?
My H's insecurities are something I need to respect. I understand that certain things make him feel very vulnerable. The fact that he is aware of these things and trusts me enough to expose himself in this way is wonderful and says a lot about where he places me in his scheme of things. The fact that it has taken me 5 years to expose my deep vulnerabilities with him says something about me and where I stand in our relationship. This whole time that I've been "protecting" him from feeling the pain of my truths means I haven't trusted him, and I haven't trusted our relationship to withstand my weaknesses. It seems apparent that my instincts were right... that neither he nor our relationship can take the abuse of my darkest desires.
I think I want to take a time-out. I need to re-group, and find my center again. There's too much confusion. Love is everywhere. Love is all around. And yet it's not about love. It's about knowing yourself, knowing your own needs, and choosing to live in such a way that you get them fulfilled, without hurting the people around you. And in this situation, I'm just not sure if that's possible. I'm not sure if H can have his needs met by me without creating a situation that will ultimately hurt me, and I'm not sure if I can have my needs met by him. I'm even less sure of what YoungMan and I can give to one another, and I don't want to use that blossoming relationship as a crutch either. Whatever happens between us, I want to happen spontaneously, freely, and from a place within -- not as the result of a rebound, or the whole host of external factors.
H and I are "talked-out" right now. Every conversation we have is loaded with painful emotions, and heavy meaning. We're both seeking distraction right now, to avoid the situation between us. When we talk again, maybe I'll have the courage to ask for that time-out.