I have gone to see an individual therapist, to help sort through all the confusion that I have been living. When I was sitting there explaining the situation to her, I was shocked and appalled at what picture I was painting. But that picture is the very thing I have been avoiding, and the very truth I have not wanted to admit for a very long time. Much of it I held back in couples' counseling, and even held back from myself.
When H and I first began our journey together, it was almost as though I was a blank slate. I was a young adult just coming into the world, with few attachments and tons of dreams. The world was at my fingertips, and my passion for life was inspiring and contagious. H reflected my passion back to me, and was experienced, full of knowledge and had a wisdom of his own. He allowed me to be free in all of my creative endeavors. For the first time in my life, I felt fully celebrated and cherished. I thought "this is a good man -- a man I want to have in my life". Only, there were two things that bothered me and I let them sit aside. One thing, I believed to be unnecessary, really a fool's hope, and the other, I thought would go away. The first thing I have never admitted anywhere... that our first kiss, and subsequently most every kiss thereafter, lacked the spark, the zing, the passion that I had hoped for. But the sex was good. So I thought "perhaps he just doesn't like kissing". I didn't think that passionate kissing could be so important. Perhaps it was just a romantic image of puppy love, and I thought that a mature and honest relationship meant letting go of such images. The second thing, which has been the entire issue at hand, was his immediate closing off to the idea of polyamory and an open relationship. These two aspects were the only "cons" in deciding whether or not I wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and the "pros" significantly outweighed them. Now, as we are facing a real separation, I am floundering to remember what all those "pros" were, and in fact I am questioning the entire process by which I came to such a decision.
I realize now that each one of us has personality traits that exhibit themselves in both beneficial and harmful manners. There is no real list of "pros" that remain in that column for good. In fact, we oscillate our heads and tails constantly, and it's through these various interactions that we navigate the best path. We each attempt to seek a balance in life that allows for more benefit than harm, but sometimes lines get blurred and crossed. I wonder if maybe I decided to marry for wrong reasons. If my sight was blurred by the prospect of perfection. I really thought that H was perfect for me. Why couldn't I see that notion as problematic? Why couldn't I allow imperfection into the early stages of our relationship so that we would know how to deal with real problems as they arise. Instead, we both operated under such an extreme sense of delicate beauty that now real trouble has no stable base from which to evolve. Instead, I am finding myself running away, emotionally vacant for any sort of reconciliation.
I have been reading more about divorce and the whole process of it, emotionally, financially, etc. I've discovered even more about what truths I don't want to admit... It feels like I don't have the patience to "work through" our marriage troubles. I, as the "Leaver" in this relationship, have been experiencing an emotional detachment from my husband for well over a year. I have hindered good communication with him by deliberately avoiding various subjects. I have hidden an entire chunk of my sexuality from him (not just hiding my desires to experience other people, but even the waning of sexual satisfaction between us), simply to avoid the emotional messiness involved. I don't blame H at all for any of my detachments, but I do mourn the loss of our path together. I also feel extremely responsible for bringing this situation to reality. However, I am finished with feeling responsible for his emotional state. This is something I have to come to terms with; for entirely too long, I have taken his emotional health in my own hands -- the ups, the downs, everything in my eyes was dependant upon my actions and my behaviors. But his world can not revolve around me. He made me the source of all his happiness, and I allowed that to continue on. And in return, I led him to believe the same... that he was the only source of my happiness. It was an ego boost for both of us, but one that ultimately lacked a true depth of honesty and integrity. I don't see how a relationship based on this sort of foundation can just heal and move forward. It seems to me that the whole thing must be razed and rebuilt from scratch. And in all honesty, if I am going to start from scratch, I'd like to do it in full consideration of the aims and goals I'd like to see happen in the future, from financial & business goals to emotional, sexual, relationship and family visions. This means an entire remodeling of my life. I'd like to say I still have hopes that this future has room for my H, that I would like him there, but everything he is telling me now says otherwise. He and I don't share similar goals, financially, sexually, or in terms of family. I had believed that all of our "life-changing" decisions were based on teamwork and true concensus, but it's becoming clear to me that in fact we made too many important decisions based on wanting to please the other and not facing our selves honestly. Not healthy.
Where does my relationship with YoungMan lie in all of this? H thinks that my decision to keep seeing him is not a good one; that, not only is it continuing to break H's heart, but he thinks I'm mistaken to believe that this other relationship could be at all beneficial to me. It may be true that statistically, relationships that begin with deceit (ie. from an adulterous affair) end eventually. And it may be true that what might develop between me and YoungMan is tainted with this separation from my H. Tainted with psychological shit -- unresolved crap that might arise again between us. I can't foresee the future any more than the next person, so I really don't know what will happen. However, I do know that on a personal, individual level, I am committed to bringing out the skeletons of my closet, and dealing with them as honestly as I can. And as long as YoungMan is open to being honest with me, as best as he knows how, then all we can do is take it one day at a time. I know that I am still dealing with my relationship with H. I haven't signed him or us off completely. I know that it will probably continue for a long time, and may never come to full resolution. But given the results of this phase of my mental clarity, I do think this separation is the best decision at this point. So I will be moving out over the next week. Just in time for the holidays...