now I can remember his face...

After my first hookup with YoungMan last weekend (a drunken start to that evening of 7-hour marathon sex), I was surprised and quite bothered that I couldn't recall an image of his face. Of course I would be able to recognize him, and of course I knew general attributes, but there were no specific frames of reference that I could muster up from the memory banks. It continued to bother me for a few days because I didn't want to feel as though he was just another screw -- a blank face on a body that I used for sexual gratification. Our second time together was yet another marathon sex session. Incredibly insane, in the middle of the week, we met and ended up somehow at a Holiday Inn. Even more furious sexing. Still, we were in the dark throughout that night, and so I was unable to study his face. I realize now that I tend to do this with my lovers. I'm not sure if most people do or not, but I find myself attempting to learn the topography of the face, memorizing each delicate feature and how it comes together as a whole, beautiful image. I soak it in for as long as I can, and I watch and observe the physical movements, the quirks, the tiny motions of the body, in everyday (non-sexual) action. What makes this person exist in physical form? How does he move through the air, interact with and express to the external world all that he is?

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to do exactly that with YoungMan. In a tidal crash of impatience and utter impulse, we rashly decided to take a road trip together to go to the beach for a weekend away. So that's what we did. And what turned out was an amazingly intense 3 days of lots and lots of sex. Incredibly, we did find time to do "regular people" activities on Saturday, and honestly the only reason for that was because of how sore we both had become from that morning's activities (and from the evening before). I learned a lot about YoungMan this weekend, including the topography of his very handsome face. Not only did I learn about him, but I learned a lot about myself, my desires, and some of the things I have sacrificed for my H.

My husband has never asked me to sacrifice any of these things, but over the course of the years, I think most loving couples do allow certain aspects of the life they knew before the coupling to slip by the wayside, and they do it voluntarily. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, and in fact when it comes from a generous and giving space from one to another, I think it goes toward building a strong and healthy relationship.

The time I spent with YoungMan this weekend (while not having sex like crazy) gave me the chance to experience something I haven't felt in a very long time. My husband and I initially became attracted to one another not over common interests and activities, but over a more abstract sharing of intellect, passion, and analytic prowess. Our conversations and discussions spurred agreements and disagreements alike, but they also revealed a brightly lit path of all-around compatibility that eventually led to a definitive future together. The interests and activities that we do presently share together have arisen outside of the framework of our initial attractions. However, there are parts of me that have been neglected over the years since H and I have been together, and the rediscovery of these simple activities has me somewhat misty-eyed and feeling a bit nostalgic. This whole cycle recurrs occasionally and I wear the saddness as a chunky, woolly sweater that H is always observant of. These are the moments he breathes questions in his sleep like, "what is it that gets you so sad sometimes?". I could never tangibly account for these episodes, so there would be no further discussion on the subject. But perhaps now I have a better clue.

Just last week, I was thinking about something that occasionally happened in my youth upon meeting someone new. After the strangeness of introductory interactions dissipates, with certain individuals, a period of uncanny coincidences would occur. Thoughts would flow like a secret language between us, where even if spoken every 5 words, we'd still know the entire sentence. As though two minds were merging, we'd see the same things, hear the same things, say the same things. Inside jokes would happen frequently, and life was always grand when this friend was around. It would be as though the universe was throwing signs everywhere that whatever is unfolding is a good path to take. In my naive mind, the thought would strike me that perhaps... could this person be a "soul mate"? I've since shaken off the urge to believe in such things as "soul mates", as I've heartily embraced the idea that no two people could possibly be perfect for one another, and if they start as such, it is impossible to sustain, given the real and continuously changing life they must share. However, I do believe that uncanny coincidences can reveal an intimate connection between individuals.

When I discovered that YoungMan and I enjoyed many of the same activities, and found simple pleasures in common, I felt that neglected part inside me open up, flowering forth and seeing the light once more. Here is a person who fulfills something that my husband can not. In fact, it is most likely impossible for H to fill these gaps because they are not something he can even control or modify. This fact about my new connection with YoungMan takes nothing away from the life I have with H. Despite these discoveries about compatibility with YoungMan, my compatibility with H is untouched. My relationship with my husband remains the same. It has been proven to me once again, that what I have with H stands alone.

A new issue that could be arising is similar to what I assume happened with BeautyEyes. YoungMan and I are cruising along the path toward some sort of real Relationship. If I wasn't married, he would become my boyfriend, easily. But I am, and so the breaks are on, even before it starts. (So it seems.) Where others have protected their hearts and submitted to being just a fling, or an occasional affair partner, YoungMan seems to be putting his emotions forward. Where BeautyEyes drew his line and made his disappearance, I have the feeling that YoungMan will keep pushing forth. This situation does give me a sense of guilt/responsibility because my limits are imposed on YoungMan and he has to deal with them. However, he's an adult, he's making the decision to get involved with me, and what emotional repercussions may arise are his to own. Though I know this, I can not help but feel bad whenever the thought occurs to me that I'm keeping him from a full-on "real" relationship [with me]. He wants to spend more time with me, as in not always having sex together. Twice now he's mentioned the idea that all we do is have sex together. I think our situation will begin to bother him sooner than I expect. For all I know, it may begin to bother me rather quickly. I fear getting to know him better, on a level other than sexual. I don't want to complicate things, and yet I also know that the extremely intense connection we have is only going to get stronger as time goes on.

As for me, I feel myself fantasizing about that poly lifestyle all over again. I keep imagining a life where it's acceptable to have more than one lover. And that's including Lover, with a capital L, meaning it could possibly be okay to fall in love all over again with other people. But until I bring this up with my husband, I know it can never come to fruition. How can I possibly do that to him? I know he doesn't want that life. I know he's not at all turned on by the prospect of having a "hotwife". And so it goes, on and on. Where are my actions going to lead me? I have absolutely no clue.