I wrote this on the 23rd.
still not coherent or energized enough to write clearly, or articulate matters. so much talking, so much confusion. so much emotion. he is clearly aching to a further extent than I. and that is natural. he keeps saying he doesn't blame me and he tells me it's such a normal thing. affairs happen all the time. it's two separate issues, and they keep getting muddled. my request for freedom. muddled by the discovery of another man. he never wanted to know. he always wanted to be in the dark, to preserve this bubble of innocent love that existed between us. and I was right. he knew deep down that I was out there, playing on the side. and i was right. he never wanted to know for sure. fuck if only I could have kept this emotional experience a secret too, we could have kept on going... but the caveat. the arrangement between us was if there ever arose something more than just sex, we had to talk about it. so here we are. talking about it. and crying. and experiencing loss.
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And now, today (28th of October):
Wow. I don't even know where to begin. It's been six days since my last post and so much has happened. H and I have gone to see a therapist. I haven't seen YoungMan in over a week. And time keeps moving forward. So many questions to answer. So many things upon which to meditate. It is unending. During the first 3-4 days of everything having come out into the open, there was so much pain and agony. I did not know whether it would ever end. I was unsure if H could ever feel the same for me ever again. Same is maybe not best, but I was so full of fear that he could not truly love me for who I am, for all my pitfalls, for all my imperfections. We indeed had an idyllic relationship. We indeed had arguments, fights, passionate fights about issues large and small, but that just added to the perfection of our life together. And what is that perfection? How can it be described? This is one thing that the therapist asked of us. She questioned why, after learning about the affair, after learning about my desires and about the seeming incompatibility of that with H's needs, why did we want to remain married? What do we each get out of our being together? Because we both know that true perfection is in fact an impossibility, what could that word possibly mean? And today, I touched on something toward that definition.
Presence is something I have been focused on lately. Presence of being, presence of mind. I know I have spoken of the budding relationship with YoungMan in these terms. When we are together, when we spend time together, there is nothing else in the world except for who we are at that moment, in that space. All else in the universe falls to the side and we are pure beings together. My FunBuddy and I have a similar relationship together. We move in and out of each other's lives, and when we're out, it's okay. Everything's alright because when we're in, we're in so fully and completely, and that is all that is needed. And my H... well, we are so Present in each other's lives, in every moment that exists... that it is truly perfection on earth. I realized during our talk with the therapist that the immensity of that Beauty is overwhelming to me. We both cherish it so much, and want to preserve that state to such an extent that I am troubled by it. It is a pressure that I fear will consume me. It is the very source of my discomfort. Much like a rose dipped in wax, it is for admiring from afar, but it is trapped in time, merely a sliver of its true path in life. What is alive is meant to experience a host of emotions and states of existence. What is alive is meant to feel the entire range of Feeling, from the depths of gutteral despair to the intensity of joyous expression. The committment to a shared life together is something that requires the ability to move out of various states and through to the next ones together, the agreement to take ecstasy and grief together and move forward through time, actively engaging in everything that life has to offer.
The conflict that arises is about sharing time. It's all well and good to be present and in the moment with those you're sharing time with. But how does one regulate those moments? In the life of marriage and monogamy, there are assumptions that keep the finite details simple. Time is shared with friends and family. That is all. Intimate, loving feelings that allow for friendship, fraternity and sex are reserved for Spouse. That is all. Simple. So you know how to regulate time. You know how to say, "Hunny, I'm going to spend Saturday with my sister. I'll see you when I get home. I may be late getting home, so don't wait up!" But there is no room to replace 'sister' with 'lover'. There is no room to say "I enjoy feeling a special, shared connection within an erotic affair with others." It creates feelings of insecurity and it melts the glue of assumptions that holds so many fragile pieces together. Is it so bad to let that glue remain?
We are asking ourselves these very questions, but the fact is, things have already changed. The veil of assumptions has already been peeked under, and what darkness that lies beneath it has already crept under our shared skin. There is so much more to say. So much more to analyze. Tomorrow is a new day. And with each new day, the pain does lessen, slowly.
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7 comments:
There's a lot there, and I don't really know how to comment. I would like to thank you, though. You've gone through a door that you can't go back through, and I'm very grateful for your insights on the experience, even if I never choose (and am forced to) go through the same door myself.
I hope you all manage to get some, at least, of what you want.
WOW... still in the limbo! Therapy is a very good first step, haveing a third person helping you out during this time is going to be huge. It's easy to lament the whole "if you only knew then what you know now", but there's nothing that you can do about it now. I really hope that things work out for you.
Best Wishes, EC
Thank you for your post,especially sice you are having a hard way to go. Theraphy? I wish I had the money I spent on it in my first marriage. I wish I had a recording of the incredulous sound he made when I said I would not mind my wife having a lover. I wish I could tell you how many times the "unbiased theraphist" interjected their own personal and moral views. I wish I could tell you that each new one was the same as the old one. I hope yours doest try to tell you that you have problems that you try to solve via sex, thats a good one for them any time a woman lets on that she is sexual. Good luck with the theraphy and remember they get paid by the hour and the more you come the more they get.....damn how I feel for you pain and all too well understand where from it comes.
It is fair to rail at the archetecture of our worlds. They were often not built by us but merely decorated with our hard work and love. You are a complex being that needs some sort of outlet for the realities that drive you, and I feel that way about myself. So I look at the world and know I don't really fit, yet I still need the world and people to help me with my dreams. Its a heck of a battle for me. And it does seem to get a little better over time, but there are still moments of despair.
I agree with bdenied about therapists and therapy. A good one is like a referee who can help you and your spouse negociate fairly over your issues. A bad one projects their morality on you. And you are certainly not their garden variety patient. Keep your own counsel as best you can. There is nothing wrong with your morals as far as I can see. Of course, I am a stranger who can only see so far.
I think therapists come in all shapes and sizes. Some will want only money, but MOST are there to truly help people. I wish you both luck with all that you are going through. I hope the therapist can see things in each of you that you both have not been able to see before, and they will be able to work through all the issues together.
You're going to be old one day, so is your husband. The people who are using your life for their entertainment now will not be around then. Do you see yourself in the future as a senior citizen needing a network of lovers? Or will your husband have you all to himself then? If you had hurt any of your lovers as much you hurt him, would they still be around trying to make it work?
I am truly awed by the steps that you have taken to break through the veil and experience life as you need to, being you and loved for all of you. I know the road is bumpy, but it may still lead you to where you want to go. I wish you nothing but the happiness you would find in the freedom of being you.
Cyris
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