Medley of questions and Unspokens

I can't believe I spent five hours with M yesterday. What's more, I can't believe how "easily" I lied to H about it. I guess I didn't really lie, but it was more like omitting parts of the truth. This really is deception, isn't it? But I always thought that my highly moral character would prevent me from being a good liar. I guess when it comes down to it, the right circumstances will allow for anything.

Work today was so different. I didn't feel obsessed to seek M out, like I have been. I thought about him a lot, and it felt so good recalling every feeling, every touch, every bit of exchange that took place last night. But at the same time, I felt so much more relaxed, like everything's going to be okay. That's the thing. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. It just feels good and actually, it feels right.

I'm curious how this works. Will we be seeing each other once a week, once a month, what? This stretching out of the courting is so new to me. In all honesty, my track record is that I'm generally so fast at getting into bed with someone that this slow and torturous drawing out of attraction and foreplay is quite fascinating. Since there isn't any real sexual release, I'm forced to focus my energy on recalling the small things -- the tiny things that when weighted so heavily with tension and anticipation, bring such a heightened sense of pleasure. This is something I should be able to hone with H, but there's no reason for me to do so, thus our "settled" sexual life.

I hope that I can be openly honest with M sexually about my true, deep desires about being with women, multiple men, taboo fantasies, all of it. And I hope that we can be honest about our respective marriages too. I want to talk to him about where we stand, inside and outside of this affair. I want to make sure that he understands I'm not planning on leaving H, ever. He's hinted at his possible desire to leave his wife, and I hope that's not the case. I want to maintain a sort of emotional distance on the one hand, but I know on the other that's probably impossible. Negotiating this really is walking a tightrope. Really though, this tightrope isn't much different from "regular" negotiations I make from relationship to relationship in my life, apart from H. I have to watch how much/little I give and take from my sister, how often/not I communicate with buddies, etc. I think this forray with M can be very much like these other types of relationships -- an individual in my life who isn't H that I share some kind of interest with, it just happens to be sexual too. This is actually true, since M & I do share a hobby/interest -- one that happens to be a big passion in my life. During our conversation last night, before we decided to "cross the line" (some arbitrary physical contact line, determined by whom?) he spoke of not knowing what our relationship was going to be. We could end up as business partners, great friends, or WHAT. And that's still true. Even though we crossed a boundary (yes, I feel an arbitrary one, set by ancient peoples, carried on from generation to generation without question...) I still feel like the possibilities are endless between us. We still could end up as business partners, great friends, or who knows what else. Maybe this affair would continue indefinitely, and we'll continue to be each other's Other Person. If we're talented enough at juggling time, it may just happen. People have been keeping courtesans and paramours for as long as sanctified marriages have been around. Who knows. The future is open, and I feel absolutely free for anything, as long as I'm not forced to lose H.

Can things be as open and negotiable as I feel ideal? I have a lot of hope for that. The worst thing within any relationship is an unstated understanding of who the other person is. Why do we do that to each other? We learn to categorize answers, responses, how we deal with them in a given situation, etc. Instead of asking questions, instead of assuming that this person is not the same person, and therefore continually engaging them in who they are, in who they want to be, only then can we avoid stagnation between two people in intimate relationships. Stop assuming.