Unspoken #5: Obsession

I am beginning to understand more this facet of my personality. How various threads of obsession have traced their way through my life:

a) When I fall into a bout of creativity (be it drawing, writing, singing, designing, dreaming, etc.) I drive the flesh out of it, obsessing compulsively about the matter at hand. I may spend 6 hours straight, focusing with all my energy, on one subject. I may forsake all other activities, for the sheer rush of what may come, never knowing the outcome, but hoping all the same that some beauty will come of it.

b) When I fall into a bout of sexuality, I may desire 3-4 orgasms a day for weeks straight. I will go through whatever means to get it, be it through porn, my H, my own hands, my toys, whatever. And throughout this time, I may get so raw, puffy and even sore (bruised mound from so much rubbing) because I become obsessed with gratification.

c) When I fall into a bout of romance, I return without fail, to the mental moving pictures that tell and re-tell my story constantly throughout the day. Though my days are still "productive" in whatever sense is necessary, my inner workings are consumed with recalling visual details and smells and conjuring up sensations, to re-live these moments again and again. Once is never enough -- I must go through them over and over again.

d) When I am learning a new subject, I research for hours on end, going over resource after resource, reading & absorbing as much as I possibly can. This can last for weeks on end -- where all I read about is the topic at hand. I may even go over certain resources multiple times because I have run out of new articles to read.

At various times, I can be somewhat ashamed of all this. At times, things slip by. Usually they are not so important... laundry is not washed, or another day goes by where dishes are piled in the sink. Or some even less-pressing matter gets forgotten completely. Is my weakness for obsession just the same as having what some call an "addictive personality"? That is, am I a person who easily is addicted, no matter the substance? Am I a thrill seeker?

My friends say that I am passionate about life. That I find excitement, where others find boredom. That I can not be settled in a settled life. Are these just euphamisms for "thrill seeker"? Danger-hungry? Does this predispose me to cheating? It very well might. As with all my other obsessive phases, it usually is closely followed by major crashing. The question is, what will crash? My energy, my excitement for this situation with M, my joy, my self-esteem high? Could be anything. I see it ahead, but I am also easily picked back up with hope. All it takes is a single sly comment, or a stolen glance from my lover, and I'll be reeling again with anticipation. Damn, I'm so easily provoked.