Despite the fact that I hold secrets from my life partner, the whole point of this blog, overall, I consider our shared sexuality relatively open and free. We've managed to explore each other's bodies, fantasies, eroticisms, and other sexually stimulating facets of our personalities with ease and lots of passion, pleasure and fulfillment. I feel fortunate and honestly, I feel luckier than your average woman in the sexual arena.
Earlier on in our relationship, we signed up for a swingers' club event. We went only once, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Just being in an open room with a great big crowd of people who were there for the same thing, hot sexual energy, was unlike anything I've ever felt. Behind these closed doors, it was all about indulgence. I felt a high like no other, and would easily jump at the opportunity to go at it again. H felt just a bit raw the next day, emotionally. It was definitely a trial for our relationship, but I saw his rawness, and wanted to tend to it, wanted to be sure that it was healed before we tried anything like that again.
Now, almost four years later, we still have not experienced this again, and I've fallen into an extramarital affair. Did my enjoyment from swinging eventually lead me to the affair? Is it the diversity of lovers that has me hooked? Is it mere ego stroking -- knowing that there are these people who desire me so fiercely that I must do what it takes? Is it simple hedonism, a pursual of pleasure for the sheer act?
Swinging is nothing like adultery. Swinging is a noble, moral, safe and kind act that two lovers share together, enhancing the sexual experience between them by adding more bodies into the mix. Infidelity is one person getting what they want. What drives an individual to do something outside of his/her partnership? I didn't plan on cheating. I didn't set out to have an affair. But it seems the right person came at the right time, and uncertainty is a large propelling force. I don't want to fall in love with M. But there is a possibility of that, and that is part of the excitement. Would I rather have had this affair with M be a mutual swinging partner with myself & H? Probably. Is that even possible? That is highly doubtful.
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2 comments:
I feel for your partner. Really. You think that you are so good in being able to keep it secret from him, but trust me - he has already picked up the other man's testosterone off you. The little details have most probably amassed already to spell out 'cheated' in his mind. You are telling how he couldn't handle a swinging outing and one at the beginning of your relationship. How do you think he feels now, hoping in vain that he is imagining things and is being plain paranoid?
Unless you are 16 and you can not possibly harness your ranging hormones, do both of you a favour and spare the man from the misery you have senteced him when he eventually has his worst suspicions confirmed. I would like to venture an excuse for your behaviour that we are not really monogomous, but I am convinced that keeping faithful is one of the trials we have to endure for the sake of something greater than one night standers. This comment is not about to be preaching. I simply would like to ask you to not do that to him. If he knew, if the wife of that other dude knew, I am certain they will ask the same thing. In the hope that maybe, just maybe you are not acutely aware of the destruction and the havoc you are wreaking...and by being made concious, you would rectify things.
Thank you for your comment. It seems well thought out and not-so-preachy. Rather than giving an excuse for my behaviour, or any other wanderer for that matter, I'd like to venture that perhaps we are indeed generally monogamous, or at least fully comprehend the ideal beauty behind monogamy, which is why it happens so often. However, I believe that within current limitations of monogamy, we have lost sight of what deep caring and absolute love is about. I think "keeping faithful" may be one path to that "something greater" that you refer to, but I honestly think there are multiple roads to that end.
As far as how H feels now, his hopes, his doubts, his paranoia, etc, I can't say -- for I am not in his mind. I can say however, that we have had numerous conversations about what happens when/if other attractions arise. We are both very realistic about the chances of this happening, and have talked about what we should do. H & I come from different perspectives in relation to this. He's made it quite clear that if anything were ever to happen, he wouldn't want to know. I, on the other hand, would like to know everything, and keep apprised of the situation at hand. H is no fool. If he wanted to know more, he would ask me directly.
It seems to me this notion of fidelity having to do with limiting sex to one partner obscures the path toward that something which is greater than one night standers. My love for H can not be compared to any other. It is not diminished by other attractions I may have. And it is not threatened by the time I may share with others. In fact, by taking the time to explore my own desires, I am able to be more grounded with H, and not scattered amongst broken dreams.
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