During one of my revealing conversations with M, he asked me if I was more attracted to men or to women, and I realized that I never gave this topic the thorough consideration it deserves. NJ mentions casually that many of his readers and fans (myself included) happen to be women. So far, my two readers who have commented have been men. (Are we all even sexually oriented whilst online, just reading anonymous words on a screen?) My dating history attests to my pursual of relationships with men. Why? Perhaps I'm trained by society to lean toward the hetero side; perhaps I'm genetically predisposed to feeling the pull of testosterone; perhaps my body just prefers cock. Rather than get into the nature/nurture debate as it pertains to sexual orientation, I'd like to offer this bit of perspective on relationships: it feels good being liked; it feels great being admired; and it feels wonderful finding fellow "kindred souls" (thanks NJ + wrickstr). It's exciting when you realize a mutual attraction exists, and the endorphins really get going if you decide to have a taste of something beyond just that acceptance of attraction.
Now here's the rub: all of the aforementioned "relationship" qualifications applies (for me) to both women and men. Additionally, I have sexual attraction for both women and men; that is, when I see a hot chick, I can't help but taking that extra long ogle at what might be appealing about her particular body -- be it eyes, lips, skin, shape, tits, ass, legs, fingers, what-have-you. Or maybe the way she moves about. And it's not just for evaluating the competition, though I know some women do exactly that. When I see a hot guy, much the same thing happens -- my imagination takes over and I fantasize about what it would be like to feel that ass in my grip, how his hard-on would look pushing against the fabric of his pants, or how the shape of his legs determines the drape of his pants.
Seemingly, my attractions to each sex are varied, yet they basically hold equal footing. In fact, more of my sexual fantasies revolve around images of women. So why then, is there a bias toward men in the reality of my relationships/sexual history? I think two particular limitations have determined my fate thus far: the Numbers Game and the Convenience of Convention. At this point in our Puritan-laden Sexual De-Liberation Movement, the sheer numbers of women who are openly willing to attempt unconventional relationships with other women is still statistically marginal. It's much more likely for an attractive man to hit on me than it is for an attractive woman to do so; thus, my chances are that much greater in "scoring" with a guy.
On the flip-side of the issue, what inhibits me from initiating anything with other women is the convenience factor -- life goes by so much more smoothly if I refrain from pressing conventional boundaries. I don't have to deal with "explanations" to my family and loved ones; I don't have to become a "freedom fighter"; I don't have to struggle with identity issues; I don't have to be a source of conflict. Yeah, I'm a coward -- or rather, I'm lazy. Like I said, it's more convenient to be conventional.
Because my attractions are not limited by the nature of a lover's sexual organs, I don't feel oppressed by being with a person of one sex and not the other. I think it would be different if I felt the need to be exclusively homosexual and was forced otherwise because of conventionality. My situation is therefore more fortunate because that fluidity can surge in either direction, at any given time, so I'm just not worried. If you've learned anything about me in these pages, it's that my sense of restriction ostensibly comes from issues of fidelity, faith and monogamy, not sexual orientation.
So there you have it, a longer examination into my heart of desire, answering M's initial question -- as opposed to the answer I gave him: "I dunno, I guess neither really. It's just different types of attractions, I suppose." I'm such a dumbass in real life. I told you I was shy that day.
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But, of course, I don't want to pass over your prior post on your boy/girl attraction calculus. This may not be the forum to ruminate about the subject, but I find it fascintating and quite meaningful that basically heterosexual women tend to be so much more open to sex with other women than hetero men are to sex with other men. After all, if one is highly sexualized, generally, he or she ought to appreciate the sexiness of both genders. I mean, there are some obvious societal explanations, but I think that there are deeper and more psycho-spiritual reasons (and maybe cures) for the phenomenon. But, because the bisexual tendency seems to be so much more prevalent among women, I sometimes find myself truly surprised when I ask a woman whether she has ever had sex with another woman, or is at least attracted to other women, and she says no. I think, wow! There are women who are closed off to their full range of possibility sexuality as so many men are.
Of course, like many men, I have a fondness for the notion of two women having hot sex, and the first post of yours I ever read was your Fantasy Seduction, which was like a song, an opera, a fucking ecstacy trip, yes. It was soooo hot, sooo real, and yet so impossible (i.e., engaging in that with your secret lover's wife!). The premise was so exquisite, and the execution was even better.
Anyway, I will stop my rambling for now... would love to discourse on this stuff at greater length sometime. If interested, I can be reached at wrickstr@gmail.com.
In the meantime, I remain your very loyal and enthusiastic devotee. :)
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