It seems my obsessive nature is getting the best of me as I'm now completely addicted to writing this blog - a venue I've created in order to vent the pent-up pressure from my dark, dirty secrets. In some ways, this relationship I'm sculpting with this particular blogspot is just as adulterous as my real-life escapades, if not moreso. I'm being unfaithful to my Daytime Blog!! It's true. I'm ashamed to say. I've left the blog I lost my virginity to in the cold alleys of remembrance. Yet, I keep stringing it along. I go back to it now and again, give it some dispassionate nookie, sigh, shake my head sadly and go back to life as usual. Whereas, with this little baby, I'm constantly thinking about it at work, I'm writing in my spare time, and I rush home straight to the computer to give it all the lovin' I can muster. It's funny, I feel more guilty about this than I do about my situation with my H and M.
In a way I wish I could just shake all this out of my system. Fuck. Get away. Fuck some more. And just be done with it all. But somehow, I have the feeling that's not what would happen. I envy the 'Johns' out there who have easily incorporated this aspect into their lives and it's just normal routine for them. Just, an exciting, fun, passionate pasttime. The social smoker. The functioning alcoholic. The guy who spends a moderate, accounted-for amount of money at the craps table. Me? Though I don't smoke, am not an alcoholic, and don't even gamble on lottery tickets, I have the keen awareness that my particular addiction has every bit to do with This Body as the vehicle of my vice.
Or maybe I'm just starting to go crazy, given my H is actually out of the goddamned country, and now M is in another state half-way across this country, while I'm stuck here with a shitload of a to-do list that isn't getting done because of my insatiable appetite for writing anonymously! ARGH!
Will somebody please give me the name of a good hypnotherapist? Perhaps I can have a weekend training session overdosing on orgasms until I feel physically ill, all in the name of medical research. Then maybe I can get past all this built-up tension. Then maybe I can get back to giving of myself lovingly to that first blog that stole my heart, which now sits in the sidelines, waiting patiently for my fingers to tap tap tap away again.
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2 comments:
I must say that in the past two days, since I have discovered your blog, I have become addicted to it/you. Your entries are utterly mesmerizing, so well written, thoughtful, and thought-provoking, heart-wrenching, stimulating, and entertaining. I am hooked -- on your story, your incisive mind, your expansive creativity, your overflowing sexiness and sensuality, your obsessiveness, your needs, your desires, your strengths, your insights, your exploits, your fantasies, your realities. As one who has experienced much of the joys, obsessions, risks, fears, and passions that you describe -- from the male perspective, of course -- I feel spiritually and emotionally connected to you, a total stranger, but a kindred soul. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you -- you have a true fan in me. And, of course, good luck in your complex but exciting life.
Wow. I feel so flattered by your effluence of praise. I don't think I've ever had a Fan before; I mean, of course my husband loves me, but I feel honored by your words. Thank you so much for your support and kindness. It means a lot to me, in that my sincere honesty has been met with acceptance and approval. Thank you, wrickster, for your encouragement. I hope this journal can remain as genuine as I have started it, and I hope to maintain reflecting on this remarkable journey!
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