Today's Unspoken

H is eerily perceptive. Sometimes to a fault. He is especially sensitive to: a) me and my emotions, b) when harmony between us falters, c) questioning peoples' motivations. The combination of these things makes it pretty tricky to try and hide anything from him. Today he mentioned jokingly that while he's away on a LONG vacation trip (more on that later) I should go visit with a common friend of ours (who happens to be having an affair + whose husband will also be away) and meet her "boyfriend". Haha, joke joke. I then told H that I read that 40% of women have extramarital affairs (EMA), and about 60% of men have them. Not only that, but the 40% is rising. We both agreed that those stats were probably off, due to lying, seeing as how women probably lie to make their numbers less, and men probably lie to make their numbers more. Somehow the conversation turned to examining infidelity in general... was I toeing the line? Perhaps. I questioned if it was just a stereotype that homo-monogamous relationships have more fluid fidelity boundaries than hetero-monogamous ones. After a brief discussion toying with various reasons why gay men might be more open to promiscuity, even within monogamous relationships (if that is the case -- we're still undecided), H turned the conversation back to me and why I was so interested in talking about these things. Am I planning on doing something? (He's asked me this a few times within the past 3 weeks...) After a slight pause, looking at him to play up the mystery, I replied with "don't be silly. You're the one who brought up infidelity in the first place!" Whew. Close one.

Because in fact, I am contemplating something, aren't I? Well, I'm not necessarily planning on anything, but like I said before, the pieces are ready to fall in place with M, but the brakes are still in park. It just seems as if all the signs are there -- the setup was just too easy. And I've always just let things in life happen, as they've fallen in my lap. Is my perception of H's prescience just my own conscience warning me, or does he really have a clue that something is up?

In only one week's time, H will be leaving the country. The opportunity is presenting itself so tantilizingly. I've already set up a quick get-together with M (and possibly one other coworker) for a simple, casual, after-work outing next week. The safety restrictions are built in -- we'll be in public, it's in the middle of the week, and we all have to go to our respective homes, driving our respective vehicles afterward, which means if there's any alcoholic consumption, it will surely be limited. If we follow through on this outing, it will be the first time that M & I would have a conversation longer than 30 minutes, or just in passing-flirtations. I'm not quite sure what might come of it, but it's still exciting nonetheless.

Additionally, I've been trying to be a bit more open with H about my sexual fantasies again. Today, it was all about DP. Of course, H wanted to know who the other guy was. I'm really not quick enough on my toes to lie... perhaps having an EMA actually is not for me. So, I just said "you don't want to know." H tried to press a little, asked if it was someone he knew, asked if it was a movie star, etc. I tried not to let on, and tried hard as I might to not give any clues, but I'm like an open fucking book. He guessed that the OP was a coworker. I don't think this cover will last for very long. He's already mentioned that I better not do anything while he's away. Hmm. But I might just get away with it. He also says that when a woman flirts, it's not just being nice. It means "I want to fuck you." At least, that's how men interpret it. That very well may be the case. So I said, and what if I did, what then? I'm not really sure how H is dealing with it all. I assume that since he's been hinting at having a clue that a part of him knows I'm obviously attracted to someone from work. As far as how he feels about that, well, he hasn't let on anything, and we haven't spoken about it directly.

All in all, I guess I'm really terrible at keeping secrets, especially from H. How open he is to my dirty lies... I guess that's up to him. Who knows, maybe he'd like a DP partner for me one day... perhaps it could be M... one day...