Unspoken#3 - Marriage, Children, Family

I didn't think that I wanted to be married, ever. The wedding itself, I felt blase about. Only once did I mention this to H and he was really upset by my comment, which brought another mental note for yet more words not to be spoken between us. For societal reasons, we married for the sake of my parents, and for the ease of medical care. From a personal perspective, I chose to make this commitment to force myself from doing something stupid which might lead to losing H. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I believed that the power of conventionality would weigh in and keep me at guard, protecting us from myself. I never admitted this to anyone when they asked about the state of our relationship. And I've never admitted this to H.

H has one child, D, from a previous relationship, whom we see once to twice a year. I love D very much and we have been bonding very well. Because of the nature of H & D's relationship (afar, long distance, vacation-dad, etc.), this unconventional step-parenting role is even more strange. But we're making it work. Right now, I'm perfectly happy with never having children with H. There is so much selfishness inside both H and me -- the kind that, in my opinion, would create a disastrous environment for children. D is growing up very quickly and will soon be an adult. We plan on having D live with us throughout her college experience, and that for me seems enough.

When H and I first began our journey together, I was sexually assertive. I knew what I wanted, and I went for it. I initiated a lot of sex together, and we had a lot of it. Now it seems we've settled down and we're both resting on our laurels. There's very little effort that either of us put forth to bring chemistry back in and to excite one another. Sex is still great, when it happens. I've never felt less than enthralled when we do come together, but it seems the small excitments that keep up the mystery and that playfully tease throughout the rest of the time together has faded long into our past. Why have I ceased my assertiveness? It's not that I don't still find H attractive, or appealing, because I do. There are so many times though that I'll be horny but when I look at H, so many other things come flooding between the impulse and the act. I see H's face, and I see the stress and I see the weariness, and I feel pity. And suddenly, the impulse is gone. Perhaps it's that I don't feel his sexual power anymore. It seems he doesn't emanate sexuality like he used to, or at least I'm not as receptive to it as I used to be. These days it seems all I'm keen on picking up from him are vibes of dissatisfaction, complaints, and anger. H thinks that's all I choose to see, and I think he believes that he's actually not putting that kind of energy out there at all, and he thinks that the reality of the situation is I misinterpret everything.