H & hot sex

It seems that ever since I've become aware of my attraction for M, I've just been maintaining a high level of sexual energy constantly. I think this has actually been somewhat of a help as far as my marriage with H is concerned. Over the past two to three months, things have been a bit rocky because of huge levels of stress. Sex between us plummeted, anger, frustration & arguments skyrocketed, and things just didn't feel good. Is this perhaps why I strayed? Was I finding joy elsewhere, because it wasn't happening at home? Or was it more that it's in my "nature" to yearn for what I can't have? I really don't know the answer to that. I think it's much more complicated than simply "I wasn't getting it at home." I think there's an entire history here that goes toward any possible explanation for why I've done this, why I've "crossed the line", why I'm risking something that I hold so dear to my heart. And that is a philosophical examination that may take years to articulate.

Aside from psychological & philosophical issues, I think this affair with M might actually help me be a better partner to H. Because of my desire to keep doing something that I like, combined with not wanting H to have any reason to doubt my love for him, I might actually end up expressing my appreciation for him more than I do currently. I think I may end up being a better living partner, thereby minimizing any potential conflicts with H too. And, as I've already noticed, I've begun initiating sex with H again, asking for the things that I want, and giving H the things I know he wants. I believe it's the freedom that I'm taking with M that allows me to approach my relationship with H from a standpoint of freedom again, just like when we first started out together. Over these past four years of our relationship, I think I've carved out a spot in my mind of who H is, and I've interacted with him in regard to that carved-out niche, with so many assumptions and biases which unfairly box him into who I assume he is. I'm beginning to remember how not to do that. And whatever should happen with M in the future, I feel this whole saga has at least given me pause with the direction in which H & I were headed. I'm thankful for this opportunity to re-examine the value of our relationship, and the challenge to be more honest with H, in regard to what it is that I want out of life in general and out of our life together.

Our love-making has begun to pick up its frequency again (thankfully!) and I'm able to be more open with things that I want to say to H. I recently told H about a DP fantasy that I had, and mentioned the idea of buying a toy -- just yesterday, we went to a store and bought it. Then once we got home, we had an awesome time playing with it. I felt so open and free with him to show him what I like, and just enjoy myself in his presence. It's so funny how things work... when we were first courting, I had this powerful sense of liberation with H. I felt like I could do anything with him and that everything would be okay. Then as we became more comfortable with one another and became a unit together as a couple, it seems I retreated more into a self-erected confine of personal boundaries. Perhaps it was negotiating my space with H's, and not wanting to step on toes, yet still wanting to assert my own force... whatever it was, it created a different type of space between and around us that eventually led me to this emotional space of my own, of feeling confined, trapped and somewhat resentful. I think it takes a LOT of discipline to not fall into role-defining patterns with an intimate partner.

As these past events have unfolded, I believe my relationship with H has taken a turn for the better. I feel as though we're both walking on more stable ground, and I feel I have personally taken more responsibility in terms of making sure that I get what I want out of our everyday interactions. Does this make me more selfish? I don't think so. It's more about accepting that my actions and my responses to situations have significant weight on my final level of contentedness, rather than wishing and hoping that H would decide to do or feel a certain way about the issues that are important to me, and feeling helpless about it in the meanwhile. I hope that I will maintain this level of self-understanding in the future and that it's not just a case of "justifying" this affair with M. Right now, I'm too deep INSIDE the situation to be able to say for sure, but my gut tells me that I have a correct perspective, and I guess only time will tell.