Where to Go? -- First Conversation

Today M & I had our first "put it all on the table" conversation. I had sensed that he's been somewhat reluctant to jump forward, head-long into our sticky little situation. So we both wanted to talk about expectations and express where each of us is coming from. It's more than obvious that the mutual attraction is fiery hot, but it's a little less than obvious what our "intentions" are with one another. I came right out and said that I am very happy with my marriage, that I don't plan on leaving my H, and that at the same time, I find M super attractive and I'm happy to express that to him. M said that he didn't want anyone to get hurt, and that he didn't want either of us to get in trouble at work. Additionally, he stated that he doesn't know how to move forward with us. He hasn't wanted to go too far because he didn't want anything to "mess up" our friendship -- that I'm such an awesome person who he actually wants to be friends with in the future -- could a sexual relationship screw that up? If it were purely sexual attraction, perhaps it could be easier... we would just have a one month fling or something and move on. But because I rock! as a person, it makes it hard to determine where we fit into each others' lives. We enjoy talking to each other and learning about one another. And yet we want a sexual relationship too. Clearly friends with benefits is a problematic situation as it is, and to add that we're both married just makes things that much more complicated.

It's crazy but from everything he's communicated to me, it feels like he's read all the same websites I've read on the correct way to commit infidelity. Or otherwise, "the rules." His concerns, his fears, etc., it's as if he's a pro. (He probably thinks the same of me.) I'm dying to ask him if he's ever had an affair before, since he knows all the right things to say, all the right things to be thinking about. It surprises me how on-the-level we are as it pertains to this whole situation. I really feel like he's reading my mind somehow.

He also said that though it's hard to control himself while we're at work, he also likes all these obstacles because it makes the whole thing last that much longer. (exactly what I said, like six posts ago!) Stretching it all out makes everything so much more tantilizing, and thus enjoyable, which is another reason why he hasn't called me yet. He said he didn't want to make me uncomfortable by calling, and he didn't want to become dependent. (?Does this mean he fears the possibility of falling in love with me?) Plenty more thoughts were exchanged, but our 30-minute lunch break still ended much too soon. Overall, I was thoroughly pleased with our conversation. Once again, we seem to be vibing -- similar sexual energy, identical fears and concerns, and the same indecision about what to do. Tomorrow we'll be getting together after work for a hobby we both share (not to be stated here -- too easily identifiable). We'll be able to discuss more in-depth tomorrow about the things we touched upon today. Oh, I also asked him if he thought he'd be able to go through with this without getting too emotionally attached. He said he wasn't sure, because of that whole friend thing, liking the conversations we have, and enjoying the mind-aspect of it all, making it that much more difficult to stay emotionally detached. But then all that other stuff just makes me all that much sexier too.

After we talked some, we did kiss a few times and we touched each other quite a bit. (I was definitely assured that we still have the hots for each other.) I'm starting to think he's quite the tits-man, which is great, since I get oh so hot from tits-attention. I just LOVE how he touches me, and grabs my itty-bitty waist with both his hands. He likes to wrap both his hands around my belly so that his fingers touch -- he gets very amazed and turned on by my petite stature. It puts such sexy images in my head about how he'll hold me there while I'm on top of him, riding him. Damn, I have so many fantasies I'd love to share with him and just open my brain for him to see everything about me. I want to tell him about how on so many occasions, after having seen him at work or having spoken to him, I get so horny that I have to touch myself -- how I'll find a little corner in some room where I can steal a moment to just rub my tits or touch my clit in order to satisfy a hunger that I never knew could be so powerful -- despite the fact that the sensations are only temporary, and I could never actually bring myself to climax while at work. Just the touching is enough... this is what M has given me, has allowed me to appreciate. The touching alone is so damned uplifting, something so slight as simple pressure is enough to heighten my physical awareness -- the chain reaction of blood coursing through my body, following the heat of those pulsations, tracking all the twitchiness that crawls across my skin, all of it. Just that awareness of sensation is enough to make me feel Filled with Life, and overflowing with gratitude, hope and sincere honesty. Honesty of breath. Honesty of lust. Honesty of being. This is what M has given me.