Vacation Time

Tonight is the last chance I'll have to write anything of substance, for quite some time. I'm headed off to a tropical paradise, where my H and I like to spend our summers. Time to rejuvenate, rest, relax, and fall in love some more. This country I'll be visiting is where we spent the first year of our life together, and have spent some time every year thereafter; where we made countless hours of love; where poetry was written, and song was sung; where we blossomed together year after year. We thoroughly need this time together, and I'm looking forward to every minute of it.

These next three weeks will be the biggest test of my ability to handle this new dual-life of mine. In a way, I've been spoiled because of H's absence. I've been living like I'm single, no questions to answer, no long nights to account for, no worries about strange phone calls at odd hours. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to deal with the practical side of it all once H returns in my life full-time again. What I foresee is: retreat, rebound, retreat, rebound, retreat, rebound, ad infinitum. This is in fact my typical pattern with friends and loved ones currently, so why not with lovers?

Speaking of which... I'll be spending the whole evening tomorrow with B! A treat indeed. We really have so much fun together, even aside from the sex (though I'm not quite sure if sex is ever separate from our interactions... it's really always there, even if we're not engaged in it at the time). I'm really looking forward to having a nice leisurely time with him, not rushed by schedules or location. I'm particularly interested in slowly taking in his whole body, taking my time pleasing him and kissing him all over, finding those *super* sensitive spots that are distinct on each person. I can't wait to lick his neck and breathe in his ear, and tease his cock by brushing against him softly without applying much pressure. Thank god the Crazy Fuck is out of my system, because I want tomorrow evening to go on and on and on and on.

Yesterday I had a scary moment, when I felt like I wasn't excited about these affairs anymore. It was the strangest thing. Like the bottom of my being just opened up and all of me fell out of me. Though brief, it was an intense experience nonetheless. I felt like if nothing ever came of any of this ever again, I'd be fine. That nothing has changed and that nothing will change. It was a glimpse into a very present, very consistent state of my fundamental stability-core. And it was completely opposite of the rushing, charging, bull-headed, passionate frenzy that I've been reeling and thrashing about in lately. I used to get this way a LONG time ago, when I was much younger. Times when all I could do was masturbate all day long. The total consumption of pleasure-seeking that always led to this thwack! drop in my level of Living-ness. Like a visceral mini-depression, I'd lay about, wanting to feel again, but instead I just hit a big wall of nothing. Wow, I wonder what a psychologist reading these accounts would think... how would I be analyzed? I probably should go and find a good therapist somewhere...

Eh, fuck that. I've got better things to do with my time.

Until next month, my very curious friends, I bid thee farewell. Perhaps I shall return speaking another language of long-lost memories and other unexplored frontiers. Perhaps I'll just pick up where I left off. Either way, it's to the will o' the wisps I go. Adieu.