H & Holiday

I wrote this in my journal about two weeks ago...
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After my 4-week bout of The Return to Singledom, spending time with H has taken some reacquaintancing. In addition to basic spousal issues, we've also been amidst the company of my family (whom we've been visiting) and H's daughter (who flew here to visit with us). Not to mention, our scheduling has been dominated by factors outside of our control -- if it were entirely up to us, we'd have made absolutely zero plans with anyone, leaving our days free to do whatever we should please. Between the pressures of fulfilling familial roles of father, mother, son, daughter, neice, cousin, etc., we've rarely found the precious moments to be husband and wife in a kind and compassionate fashion. Very soon, all of these rather unfamiliar roles will fall to the side and we shall once again have the pleasure of relating to one another in terms familiar to us -- the alone us.

Naturally, I have also stolen moments on my own to reminisce about my recent exploits. My senses run through their cellular memory, charging and neutralizing the signals in whatever patterns necessary to remind me of these amazing experiences-not to be forgotten. I've been flooded with mental images of my encounters with other men. I recently had a dream about another coworker to whom I've been attracted for quite some time now. Yet, through the veil of misty reminders of what once ocurred, I'm also realizing that every day alone with my H puts all my OPs that much further aside. As the days go by, I'm finding it more and more difficult to conjure up the same level of intense sensations as were overcoming me only a few weeks ago.

It could be that I am so presently here with H that the reality of what's awaiting me at home seems an entirely different universe in time, space, and relation. Being here with H has been good. We've been able to work through a lot of the stressful issues that we've been experiencing, and we are able to have a good time also. I haven't found it that difficult to keep these things private that need to remain private. I am wary of using his laptop still, but I've been managing. I am also worried about H discovering my written journal. He has read my writings previously without my knowledge, so I know there is some danger there. But in conversations, and interactions between us, I've had no problem leaving out the unecessary details.

I am still ultimately unsure of how long I am going to allow all of this to continue. Whatever the case, I know that however it should play itself out, the decisions that arise will be made based on sincerity and generosity of spirit -- not obligation, or resentment or guilt.