Time is shifting and gravity tugs at my inner equillibrium. I feel shaken and rough-cut, like sawn lumber through the first pass of a mill. There sits a lump of unformed grief at the base of my throat -- that spot where the tongue meets the inside tract of the entryway to my bowels. I feel as though tragedy has hit me -- the despair of just learning about a newfound connection, only to be kept away because of real obstacles that are way beyond my control. The agony of being forced to withhold my need for comforting. It is a powerful influence, to feel utterly powerless over your state of emotional being. In all reality, I do not know him. We are but acquaintances who have merely stepped up to the line, peering over, leaning against the thicket of thorny roses that separate our individual universes, upon which plucking reveals a larger cosmos of which we are all a part. In reality, I am but a coworker, and I do not get the privilege of public mourning; true tragedy lies with his family, his inner sanctum of beloveds. I respect that.
His accident has been more than a temporary set-back; it has acted as a trigger that has sent me spinning into this unknown future of an unwelcome disorder. I just don't know.
I am not master-commander of this vessel. I don't know what shall reveal itself to me shortly. I am not expert seductress who gets all she wants, if only by asking. I am not woman of special guile, ready to weaken any man's knees with a simple flutter of the eyelash. Today, I am none of these things. Today, I just don't know.
If H was with me at this very moment, he would know that I am sad. He would ask me what was wrong. And I would say "I'm not really sure. I just feel a bit sad." And his compassionate eyes would wrap their loving selves around me and I would know -- his love for me is beyond that which I could ever live up to. I would know that he gives and gives all of his love to me. And I would know that I humbly accept that love. Humility is the awareness of one's individualism -- the pursuit of something just for Me, to the extent that it negatively affects some other part of life with Others. Humility is the ability to say "thank you for allowing me to bask in your being, despite the wrongs I have committed."
And yet, I know... throughout all this awareness, I will continue on this path I have carved through the forest of untamed desires. I know that I will continue this struggle with self and with lover, along the wide, empty desert stretch of lonely, selfish, determined exploration.
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4 comments:
Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know that others are thinking of you. Grab me if you want to talk.
That was awful and beautiful at the same time.
I have no advice, other than to let you know that I too am going through similar circumstances, so you aren't so alone.
Be as strong as you can. All will be better later.
Wow! So sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you.
hugs
Des
Thank you so much for the support. It is very nice to feel the warmth emanating from you guys. The evening I wrote this post, I went to bed saying to myself "tomorrow will be a new day, I promise". And upon waking, I realized that the immediacy of the ache had in fact dissipated. In its place, I found the movement of time to be comforting, and within that, I found relief.
The cloud has passed, and I now step out, a little bit different, a little bit stronger, a little bit more delicate, and a little bit closer to the next day yet. Onward we move, and onward I'll keep going.
Thanks again everyone.
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