To be Affected

He talks of not wanting to be "bad", yet he doesn't want to be "good" either. He speaks and acts in wavering terms... he admits his wrongdoings in those younger days, but as he grows older, he feels these actions go beyond "cheating" and have transformed into something else completely. After time has elapsed, he speaks of loyalty... that those simple acts are no longer considered "cheating" but rather become complicated acts of Betrayal. Yet he expresses both verbally and physically, his desires for me. This is a heavy thing for him. And strange for me. Do I feel loyal to H? Loyal? What does it mean to be loyal? Faithful? True?

Someone quoted Shakespeare today:
"To thine own self be true/And it must follow, as the night the day,/Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Is it that I am being false to my husband, by concealing certain behaviors that I know would bring suffering to him? Is it being compassionate? Is it being false when a homosexual decides not to reveal to his homophobic father that he is highly attracted to other men, despite his own sincere affirmation of his own orientation? The love for his father still very well may exist. If a need for acceptance by the father is not present, then what reason would there be to challenge him?

Loyalty is a bond beyond reason, beyond explanation, beyond mere gratitude or obligation. Loyalty can not be demanded, it can only be offered. It is a self-generated emotion that gives rise to deeply intimate relationships, resulting in a type of social stability that creates an environment of comfort and leisure. In this profound sensibility, yes, I am loyal to my husband. To the grave, I am loyal to him. I firmly believe that.

Faithful? To have faith, is to entrust your entire being in some[one/thing] other than yourself. To give up all hold on ego, to dissipate your very essence and give freely all that which you believe to have a grip on. To place your every ounce in the hands of your lover, your spouse... is that being full of faith? There are moments that I get a taste of this. Moments of righteous love that I share with H, moments when we both know that we are eternally bonded to one another. For those moments I am utterly grateful. But I am honest enough to say that these glimpses cannot be sustained, are fleeting, temporary fluxes in the fabric of existence, for we are compelled to lead lives that demand the fracturing of our attentions.

What is my unease in regard to M? He is not firm, not resolute. His limits are grey and permeable. Like the physical nature defined by osmosis, his moods, his moral questionings, his mutable tempers seep through and affect me in ways unbeknownst to me. By the time I realize his impact, it is too late...

I am utterly intrigued.