Tadaa --- now you see me...

Yikes! It's been a long time since I've written here... I feel... trepidation... shaky sensation in the knees, sort of like that first blush, that first touch, that first stroke of skin underneath the table... a little unsure of myself -- can I do it?

I also feel overwhelmed with a massive desire to get this train going again, but working against such brute force of inertia makes me wonder how this will turn.

I've been thinking a lot, dreaming a whole lot more, sexing only a little, but mostly I've been recovering from a highly titillating summer, pulling back the reigns, for what? I couldn't tell ya. But it happens every year. Maybe it's just a melatonin thing, or rather, a seratonin thing. Sensitivities & reactions to sunlight... I can't help but be passionately tied to my surrounding environment.

Here's a few thoughts/actions that have occurred of late:

Ever since M left my company, I've seen him twice -- completely by accident. The first time it was a total coincidence, and I was pleasantly surprised. I'm always shocked at my attraction to his facial features; though not considered classically beautiful, there's something there in his eyes, in the way his lips puff then curl, in his smooth/yet rough complexion, that entices me to keep looking at his face. I don't quite understand it myself. The second time was brief. Deep down inside I felt a tiny spark, as though it was my final opportunity for one last afternoon getaway, and yet, I chose to ignore the spark, go home and move on. I don't regret that decision... it seems I have most definitely moved beyond the realm of M. I did decide to call, and I did in fact leave a voice mail -- just a friendly 'hello' -- not expecting a return call. I'm perfectly satisfied with how things transpired between us; our casual flirtations, our heavier flirtations, our light touching, our heavy petting, our non-penetrating sex, etc. Aside from all that, I did consider us as buddies, so to leave that [friendship] line open is natural for me. And from here, it is out of my hands. Our brief non-affair affair is quickly fading from my visceral memory, but the latent out-of-body experience of all that I've gone through will be with me forever, I'm sure. I can deal with that.

Stumbled onto a new blog, Memoirs of a Cheater. Cyris writes all about her NY exploits, from leaving a painful relationship with an egotistical pretty boy to finding herself at a hot Swinger's party with her new step-brother (!rawr!). Still a relatively new blog with a few handfuls of entries. And how enticing those few posts are! She's a fantastic writer with a menacing sense of style. I'm definitely hooked to her story. She's even got my libido going again with her hot description(s) of that first swinger's party.

Spoke with Mr. Smooth. He's still rehabilitating those injuries, and should be back to work in a couple of months. I called him. He answered. We had a friendly colleague to colleague conversation. Neither of us mentioned our two trysts at the bar. I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed our time together, but things were going so smoothly with Mr. Smooth... I didn't want to stray off-course. A few nights I've found myself falling asleep to images of his hands on my legs, of kisses on my stomach, of licks in my ear. It's usually these times I have insanely crazy dreams filled with metaphor. I really don't know if I'd be ready to dive into that chaotic lifestyle again anytime soon. It just takes so much energy... time with Mr. Smooth is far away for now, so really, I don't have to think about it. Remembering images and fantasizing is good for now.

Oh, and what about sex? It has been happening... occasionally. When it does, it's wild. The last time we fucked I remember thinking afterward: am I going to write about this on the blog? I realized then how odd it is to write about the sex H & I share. Although this is anonymous, and although all the things I'd describe would be utterly sensuous, exciting and just plain sexy, it just feels like it would be... robotic, cold. There's no way I could give justice to what happens between us when we find ourselves wrapped together. It becomes another universe -- one that doesn't use words as a descriptive language, and so to describe it using this inferior method must come out as lacking.

Finishing up with our Swinging Experience has caused some writer's block anxiety. To be honest, the last part of the evening is somewhat of a letdown. Not much more fun stuff happened after Red joined us. We left the party, and I was feeling horny and tired, and I didn't get to have a taste of any pussy. I guess I've been deliberately avoiding writing that last bit because I didn't want to lie and make shit up, just to make a good story. Nobody came, nobody got jizzed on, and I didn't even get drunk. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time. But at these parties, I definitely don't reach orgasm, and I think few people actually do. With that said, I will share this with you: my favorite sex writing material is hands down, masturbation fantasies. That is, the ones I fantasize to while rubbing one out. They're truly off the wall, highly taboo, totally perverse and some people may find them really offensive. What do you think? Should I go for it? Should I put them in print here? It could get a little freaky around here...