insecurity and impropriety

When I was in the high school, I wore pantyhose to school every now and again. One day when I was in the 10th grade, I wore a pair that were hand-me-downs and happened to be a couple sizes too large. No problem, nylons are stretchy, so most of it fit just fine; the only problem was that the length was meant for someone between the sizes of 5'6" to 5'10" or so and as a result, they kept inching their way down my legs, seeing as I was a whopping 5'3" at the time. Of course as they began to sag, I would have to hike them up, bit by bit so that the sagginess was up high enough that the circumference of my thigh would be thick enough to at least hold them for a good half-hour before they began to sag again. I remember I was in social studies class, and in order to do this ritual, I was forced to stick my leg out into the isle between my desk and the wall so that I could pull them up high and tight, in the meanwhile, pulling up my skirt as well. I didn't realize anyone was looking as I was doing this, but apparently, my teacher had! He called me out into the hallway and gave me a stern talking-to. He said "what were you trying to do in there?" and I replied, "I was pulling up my pantyhose because they were slipping down." Mind you, I wasn't attracted to him whatsoever, and I didn't have a clue that it could possibly turn anyone on, let alone be an inappropriate action on my part. He then said to me, "well, you shouldn't be doing that in class, because you really don't know who it could be affecting." I probably went beet red when he said that, proceeded to apologize, and then slinked back into my seat in horror that I could have been "affecting" my teacher. That was my first lesson in sexual impropriety.

Again, when I was in high school, my mother took me bathing suit shopping. I wanted my first bikini... after I had boobs. (Those first sets of two pieces when you're flat as a board really don't count.) After I tried it on, loving the way my barely-there boobies looked in this new suit that looked exactly like a matching bra & panty set, my mom checked it out on me. The first thing she said to me was "don't you feel naked in that?" Quizzically, I looked at her and said "No way! It's a bikini!" All throughout high school, I wore short, short cutoff shorts, tiny shirts, tight tank tops, short mini-skirts, and never did I feel naked. I felt cute, and sexy. But I didn't realize how the sexy part affected others. Perhaps I was a bit oblivious. Really, I was very oblivious. I just wanted to look pretty, never really thinking that my body was at all sexy, given all of my girl friends were over-developed, curvaceous and already looking like real women at the age of 13. I never thought the boys that I wanted even looked at me "like that" anyway, and I was so inexperienced in that arena, why would I possibly be self-conscious about the way I dressed? Those days are now long gone... Now, even though I love the way my legs and ass look in short shorts, I can't bring myself to wear them. Forget mini-skirts! And when I wear a bikini that makes me look hot, I still want to wear a cover up. Let me tell you why: I do hear my mother saying "don't you feel naked?" And then I hear my social studies teacher saying "you don't know who it could be affecting." I went to the beach with my friends a few weeks ago, and wore a bikini. I was self-conscious because I didn't want the wife to feel uncomfortable that I was looking sexy while her husband was right there. And I didn't want her to feel bad that she's overweight and I'm stick-thin. I never "dress up" when I go out with my husband because he says he hates it when I look good. I know he's joking, but on one level, he actually is insecure of having a babe as a wife. That's why I always wear jeans. And pants. I can still look good in them, yet I'm not pushing that button of impropriety. I'm always asking him "is this too much?"

Thank you world for somehow making me dislike my own comfort in this sexy body.