Major Developments

So much has happened, over the course of three weeks. A few of my readers have asked how I get the time to spend away from my husband for all of these activities. The answer is, my H is out of the country. I've known about this trip for some time now, and I suppose a small part of me rationally thought out this affair with YoungMan. At least, I know that I planned ONE evening of drinks -- our first. I knew that I would have a newfound freedom when my H was gone, and I clearly took advantage of it. Everything else that has followed our first evening together has been a complete surprise for me, all very rash, very spontaneous, breathtakingly so.

Three weeks. Three weeks of seeing only YoungMan almost every other day. I've tried to stay away from him, but I just can't. The longest we've lasted apart from each other was three days and that scares me to high hell. I'm so afraid of what might happen after my husband returns. I'm afraid of making stupid decisions. I'm afraid of falling for this man I barely know. We've only just met, and I know that real feelings are developing between us. I know that in the past I've had a tendency to fall hard and fast for the men in my life; when you're single and dating, that's generally okay. It leads to something. But here, in my situation, where can it possibly lead us?

When my husband and I first began our relationship and he realized that I was dating many men at the time, he told me straight up that he can't handle that type of situation emotionally. Later, he teased me for attempting to build up a man-harem. Perhaps it's true. I was unapologetic about it. But I did stop, for him. I ended all those relationships, in a snap. And I became monogamous. Just like that. I thought that my respect for H and our budding relationship was enough to combat the strength of my promiscuity, but I see now that it isn't anymore.

I've spoken with YoungMan on a few occasions about what lies in our future together. Those times have always been difficult, inarticulate, and tremendously heavy. When we don't think or talk about that subject, our time together is amazing. We are incredibly comfortable together, we have lots of fun, and the sex is still mind-blowing. Earth-shattering. Our reactions to the world, and our uncanny coincidences continue to astound us. We may not share similar histories, but it seems our presence of mind is in complete harmony with one another. Which makes it all that much more difficult. The only direction our interactions can take is toward even more intimacy. Those ~other~ times I've cheated with other men have been nothing but recreational sex. YoungMan and I seem to be sharing something so much more... a serious love affair. I keep telling myself it's just lust, it's just really good sex. But it's getting harder to deny the other things that are flourishing between us.

Today, I gave YoungMan the key to all of my locked secrets. I gave him the link to this blog. That's a huge step for me, and I offered it to him as a gift of intimacy. I have no clue what he will do with it, but as all good gifts are given, it holds no expectation of return. Knowing that he may be reading this just might change things. I don't know. I'm going to try to not let it affect my writing, my reflections, but I just don't know. All I know is that I want him to know me -- All of Me, and make an educated choice about what to do with us. Maybe this is my way of pushing him away, or maybe I'm just tired of living behind a sheer curtain with the people I care about.

I just don't know.