What has happened to my home? I've been creating this life, this fairy-tale marriage with my husband, filled to the brim with beauty, joy, and sheer delight. I've taken my fill of profound love, and still I desired *more*. I carved out a space on the side for fun and sexual experimentation, took that to its limits, and still I desired *more*. I dabble in infatuation and emotional connections, and still I desired *more*. It's then I find the golden egg, in an intimate, caring, expressive, erotic love affair. And it's like a hurricane that tears apart that happy home, leaving you exposed to all the elements. Leaving you raw. Torn to shreds. And there is despair staring at you right in the face. Depths of darkness you never knew existed, let alone experienced. And all the while, as the winds burn your skin straight off the flesh, and the cold of harsh wet rain shooting pellets against that exposed tissue, and the trees so large, so tall, so strong and rooted begin to fly as an albatross across the skies, all the while, you're wishing to just die from the pain. At least be knocked unconscious because living through this suffering just can not be called living one bit. And you scramble to find warmth, so you press your body against the next person despite your wounds, and despite his open sores, and the warmth of life soothes all the hurt and all the ache for just a second. The warmth gives you reason to push on through and maybe you don't want to die afterall. But then there's a numbness that settles into your bones that makes you wonder if perhaps this is it. This must be the bottom of hell. Hell is not a place of fire and burning. It is ache. It is suffering at such a depth that you lose all reason to live.
It is here in this space of hell, that my husband and I have visited, and are currently occupying.
But how can I illustrate the moments of clarity that have arisen from the cruel reality of our shared pain? The honesty that was revealed about my desires, my search for fulfilling what was lacking. I never wanted to admit there was a lacking, but in the talking, the truth came out. The need for freedom. Mental, sexual, emotional freedom. And all that entails. Details -- he wanted details of how, what, where, when, how often -- how do we do it? How do we move forth in this lifestyle that has fuzzy borders? How can we define even a pathway in something that is mutable and the possibility for abandonment lies almost like a certainty for any future together?
And yet words like freedom and desire flowed effortlessly throughout our conversations. It feels like we're moving from a place where we were simply surviving to a place where the opportunity for growth exists. Our bodies are still recoiling from hours and hours of sustained pain and grief. Our minds are still reeling from abstract notions that are meaningless without the human dose of real, irrational, raw emotion.
I thought on a number of occasions that I was going to lose my H forever. That he was going to slip away into a void of emptiness. The howling began in the back of my mind and I thought he was declaring us Over. I was prepared to get fixed. I was prepared to do everything I needed to find a solution. I was prepared to fall on my knees and let someone tell me that I'm fucked up and these are the ways to embrace the righteous life. And then the Two Voices of true, rational and generous love both told me today to believe in myself, and be true to who I am. Because without that, life for me will have no meaning. And that is as good as dead.
So this is my life, today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. The talking is... painful, difficult, honest, real. I don't think we've talked like this in years. It's been a series of contractual exchanges, small talk, bantering, bickering and moody fighting. This is something else entirely. This is a renewal of committment. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
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12 comments:
Anonyma, you k now something of my personal background and therefore what prompts this question. And whilst i don't want to appear harsh in any way, I also feel no compulsion to follow the flock with regard to my response.
So... my question. What makes you believe that acting in a way that allows us to fulfill every single personal desire we might have is... okay? Okay when one lives within the confines of a loving relationship, and okay whatever the potential impact?
I guess one response might be that these things are irrelevant if we're prepared to accept the consequences. But we don't act in isolation from those around us with whom we share our lives, do we?
I find your writing to be indicative of a thoughful, intelligent and articulate woman, and I know you'll have asked yourself these questions. I'd be interested to know how you answered them.
Wow what a thought provoking and emotional post. I'm so very sorry the pain is overwhelming and so much has come to surface so radically. While our situations are different, they are also the same. The personal emotional roller coaster is so filled, that we barely have room to breathe, much less ask ourselves the toughest questions AND find the toughest answers. I applaud you for your honesty and for sharing the darkest depths of your soul as you discover a new life for yourself. I'm hoping for the best for you....
You still feel that there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. I just think that you don't fit on the mold created by society for a married woman; you are different but not unique, there are hundreds of blogs out there that will show you how your situation is very common and how there's nothing wrong with you. You reached the make or break point. No more lies, no more secrets, everything is out in the open and H has to make a decision. Probably you dont want to hear this, but there is not much you can do at this point besides explaining how you feel to him.
I'm the best at my job, I can take an idea and transform it into reality in a very short period of time, I am able to communicate a very complicated process to hundreds of people in a way that make sense, but I just cannot come around to even think how could I bring the open relationship issue to the SO. I'm not sure there's a right way to do it! You are byond that point now, you put the cards on the table and now it is his turn to make a decision. I really hope that he will see things your way as you guys seem to be a good team. I wish you the best
To be honest, it would be easier to understand and more palatable if you hated your husband. If you want him to understand you as well as the people who read your site regularly perhaps you should let him mull through some of your entries, if he hasn't already. Be gentle with him. Whatever myth he was telling himself about the person he would die for has just been torn to shreds.
it saddens me that you're both suffering. i hope it brings you to a better place where your needs and desires will not be ignored or looked down upon.
How scary that we're both reaching a crisis at the same time. I'm here to talk with if you need it. The Beatles were wrong when they said, "Love is all you need," but I hope for both your and my sake that love between us and our partners can form the basis from which we build a better tomorrow.
Don't give up on what you want, but think very carefully about what that is. I know I've had to do some hard thinking along those lines myself recently.
I just started reading less than a week ago and it surprises me how much of your pain I feel... I wish nothing but the best for both of you.
I talked about your situtation last night with my wife we feel for you. Being a woman she said that he is just going to accept it. She also mentioned that if you two split up you will just have to find a man who understands your needs and be firm about it. other than that we are thinking of you and no doubt we know you love him deeply.....hope it works for you
I have only read your last 5 or so posts but I do empathize. Living a trying to satiate your sexual appetites can lead to some hard choices. I hope you make the choices that are in your best interest.
Oh my. I'm really hoping that you guys can work this out. I've been reading your blog from day one, and in the few e-mails we've exchanged, I really came to feel for you and your situation.
I have no advice to give you, other than what has been said...talk, talk, talk, and don't give up.
Good luck, and I'll be reading!
My heart goes out to you. My own marriage has been through a crisis similar to what you are experiencing right now and reading your account brings back that terrible feeling that I experienced at the time. Hang on in there Anonyma and take care! Talking is the best thing you can do. You and your husband should take the time to let your emotions settle before making any decisions about the future.
Your description of a need for freedom resonates with me. I share that need and so I suspect do many people, especially those reading your blog. The thing about your situation that I don’t fully understand is that you make your life with your husband sound idyllic. If it was truly a complete relationship for you then I doubt you would have found yourself where you are right now. Whilst I love my wife I know that there are things missing from the relationship that mean I am left feeling frustrated and lonely. This is because her boundaries, her needs and her outlook on life are so much more restricted than mine. Like you, I have wondered if an open relationship would be a route to happiness but I have concluded that it would be a compromise. I say that because I feel sure that complete happiness comes from a marriage in which the sexual and emotional needs of both partners were compatible and any sexual exploration could be made together. In my case this would probably mean swinging together. I have my doubts about an open marriage. It seems to me that the chances of failure would be high because pursuing sexual and emotional relationships independently of one another is a recipe for insecurity. And insecurity is a recipe for divorce.
I found your blog through a link. And I read the whole thing today. In many ways I do not "agree" with cheating. But the way you have written your blog has helped me to understand it more. You seem like a wonderful woman and I do not feel that you should be "punished" for being human.
Sex is such a powerful thing and it is GREAT to feel that excitement. I hope that you are able to work out things with your hubby and that you are also allowed to be you.
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