Thursday, November 15, 2007

and the pendulum swings again

H and I have been talking about limits, trying to navigate our way through the thicket. Understanding what each of our limits are, seeing where we'd like our limits to go, and wondering out loud if one can ultimately withstand the others' limits. My husband has expressed time and again that he absolutely can not deal with me falling in love with someone else. This is the area of pain that resurfaces and triggers the most violent suffering on his part. This is what makes him the most insecure, of all my actions.

As time moves on, things with H are becoming a bit easier and somewhat smoother. That's not to say that our issues don't flare up often, just in a seemingly more controlled fashion. We're continuing to actively resolve our problems, and I think that's really what I wanted out of all this. It seems I was feeling stifled by the level of perfection we were experiencing, and to some extent, I can see that perhaps I sabotaged what we had, in order to pop my own bubble of what I thought we had.

And now it is YoungMan I worry for. I've seen him twice since we were supposed to say our goodbyes, and we had sex both times. We have yet to talk about the love issue, though we've been keeping in touch mostly via text messaging, occasional emails and a phone call here and there. I am definitely getting the feeling that he is approaching *his* limits in not being able to see me as much as we'd like, and basically being the "other man". I feel like there was this explosion that happened, that threw all three of us out into the sky and we were all flying in a way. We each experienced the launching of our bodies with different responses, different sensations -- some good, some excitement, some anxiety, some fear, and now it's like we're starting to float back down, and where each of us lands is partly by choice, partly directional steering, and partly by chance. As we're settling back down we're discovering what each of our limits actually is, and we're each faced with real hard choices. Can H and I move forward if he ends up in the lake, while I am climbing mountains? Will the jungles of YoungMan's landing keep him from finding me? These are the questions that deal with the future and I really hate making such types of commitments. And yet I'm drawn to them, drawn to people who really need these types of commitments from me.

I've left much out of this post, as I was limited in time. There really is a whole shitload of stuff to sort through...

11 comments:

bdenied said...

When you get a chance please let us know if the time with YoungMan translates to love or was it raw emotional sex. I can handle any sex my wife has with other men. I would not want to loose her love. For me I could share her love with someone but not loose it. But what she has with other men is just sex which does not mean she might not like them or have feelings for them but its really just good ole hot sex.....I sense with you its more emotion than raw sex.

Joy, shared said...

I'm curious as to whether or not you think that your husband would be willing to continue to pursue reconciliation if he knew that you'd had sex with YoungMan twice since you were supposed to have stopped seeing him.

I obviously don't know the whole of your situation, but I think that you might be walking a very thin, very dangerous rope if you are continuing to violate your Husband's trust while at the same time telling him that you're attempting to rebuild it.

You've talked a lot in your posts, recently, about wanting 'freedom' and seeking to destroy the perfection that you'd thought had.

As an outsider looking in this window into your relationship, it appears to me that you're still trying to destroy whatever remains of trust in your marriage perhaps so that you can get the 'freedom' you'd said you wanted without having to be the one to ask for a divorce.

Having read your words about the pain that you've felt and the pain that you've caused, I just want to caution you to be careful what you wish for and be aware that your actions, even now, will have consequences you may or may not intend.

anonym said...

Thank you Bdenied and SharedJoy for your thoughts and your very good questions. I think what has happened with YoungMan is so fragile... we barely began falling in love, when everything exploded. What I find difficult about our situation is that when we're having sex, it's just good ol' fucking hot sex. We're on fire together. We really are. And yet, there is an emotional element to it though -- we like each other, on a personal level. Is it love? I think in a parallel universe, we're madly in love and we end up building a family together... home, hearth, babies -- the whole nine. And snippets of that life stream into this one through inescapable wormholes, which cause ripples in time and space. It's those ripples that are bending this reality as I know it.

I'm learning more and more about myself with each therapy session -- what motivates me, what entangles me. I know that I love sex, and I'm intoxicated even more by incredible sex. Intoxicated is the word because I get out of my senses, perhaps in a way that is harmful to myself and/or those I dearly care about. I'm not a proponent of abstinence because I don't believe pleasure is a sin. However, I do believe in the powerful effects of substance abuse, and the dangers they can present in this life. So if it is true that I can get "hooked" on adrenaline and the chemicals induced by incredible sex, then yes, I believe some element of control or temperament needs to be established.

My gut right now is telling me to lean closer toward control, for the health of all three of us. I don't know how my husband would react if he knew about my recent trysts with YoungMan. I don't know if he would leave me. I don't think I'm pushing him, but more so that I've been pushing myself, trying to ascertain my own limits. That may be an act of self-destructive sabotage, but in all honesty, I think it's more of a dangerous self-check; "If I go *this* far, do I still want to remain here? If I push us to this point, can we still recover? If I show him this darkness inside me, can he still truly love me?" Not the brightest, not the most healthy, definitely not the safest way of testing these waters. But it's honest and genuine, coming from a sincere part inside of me. I trust my gut instincts, as they have never failed me. And right now, at this moment, I know exactly what I need to do. It's going to take a lot of courage, but I do know what needs to happen.

Chris said...

Wow. There is so much in this post. There is so much in this situation. No matter which way you go someone will get hurt, and I think you will get hurt yourself either way. Each man has a different place in you, but you can't have both. I don't think that's in anyone's limits. But I think you are very aware of the situation. I think you will be able to find the way that is right and honest for you.

bdenied said...

I think you coverd it pretty well. I will go back to what I said in an earlier comment. You need extra sex from extra people and you know I support that. Will he? If so no problem. If not you have a choice to make. Unpleasant as it may be you have a choice. You will always seek out the extra, its your nature as it is my nature to have and always have my wife whoever she may be seek other men too. Keep writing, I really do understand your pain.....

Anonymous said...

You are very quickly getting to the stage where you have nothing left to offer your husband worth giving.

The Land of Plethora said...

All I can say is my heart aches for you and the crazy place in your life right now. Take one day at a time and remind yourself that this too will pass. No matter what, just make sure you have a better sense of yourself and a greater love for yourself in the end.

My best wishes coming your way...

El Cuervo said...

Even if you dont make a decision right now, if your husband finds out he will make it. I really hope he will accept what you have to offer, but I doubt he will he he finds out about YM. He got hurt, you reached an agreement and you are breaking that promise again. Very tough, I really hope you are not pushing this too far.

Anonymous said...

Haven't commented in quite some time. Believe my blog name was Infinite and can no longer remember my password/actual id. Anyway...

It is an interesting spot you have pushed yourself into. I can and cannot imagine the type of stress/pain/emotions you, your husband and "the other man" are having. As a 22 year old, whatever happens, I'm sure he'll be fine. For you and your husband, not so sure. However, when faced with the actuality of a cheating spouse, no matter what he/you may have said previously, it is amazing what you can deal with.

Sex is an amazing narcotic. Turning it down is nearly impossible, turning it down based on what you write about between you and "the other man" must be nearly impossible.

Having said that, it is somewhat saddening that you have even further betrayed your husband. As much as you might say/feel/be right that you are testing your own limits, your limits, at many points, are also your husbands limits. In your current situation, I would very much consider that COMPLETELY unfair. Of course, everything you are doing has been unfair in the sense of your marriage for quite some time (both to yourself and your husband). The "learning about yourself" etc is somewhat offset by the actions you continue to take. Of course, that is the nature of all things in life. You learn some, but life also gets in the way.

I wonder, is it really worth it for you and your husband to maintain your marriage? Or is it only worth it if you are satisfied? Unfortunately you are more and more moving into a Zero Sum Game.

BobsWorld said...

You sound like someone for me. Your warm and caring and hope your husband will understand

seacoast couple said...

It really sounds like you guys are at a bit of a crossroads, much as Ally and I are. This for us, is the scary uncharted territory so different from the somewhat more random hook ups of our past. Good luck! You got a friend over here!

;)
Bill