I am beginning to come to terms with the truths we all share, and the lies we all hide behind. Recognizing these elements has given me exactly the freedom I have been yearning, the freedom without a name, the freedom without a face. My husband and our therapist have been asking me extremely difficult questions, questions I've been avoiding for so long. Questions I've feared, questions I've tried to get around without truly asking myself. H has been doing amazingly well, given the extent of the hurt and the wounds that have opened between us. He is recognizing things that I've longed to communicate to him, all on his own, without my initiative. He is stronger than he thinks he is, and I am more compassionate than I've ever thought I could be. The status of where we are is... Unsteady. H has brought up the idea that perhaps a separation might be a solution. I keep fighting against that. His insecurities and wounded pride flare up over things that would never have triggered such emotions in the past. Hair in the sink, my 'true' whereabouts, days at work, things that make his mind wander to alternate possibilities. I understand these fears. I've experienced them myself, with him, with others. Insecurities that breed jealousy and fear. Insecurities that make your imagination go wild. Early in our relationship, H had beautiful connections with friends from his past. He and I were so new at the time, and I had no clue where I fell, with respect to those other relationships. I was very insecure. I read his emails in secret. I listened in on his phone calls. I pretended to be asleep when in actuality I was awake, so that I could overhear their deeply intense, drug & alcohol induced late-night conversations. I know how disgusting that feels to be there, and I know how small that type of insecurity makes you feel. I would never wish that upon my H, or upon anyone. Those feelings I think are natural to feel, and they are not only acceptable, but necessary. These are the points in life that are accentuated by the decisions we make -- they are truly crossroads, where we must be emphatic in whatever choices we make. These are the times for the most important examinations that will impact the rest of our lives. My life. H's life. He has his own decisions to make, his own choices, his own paths to investigate. I personally think that it's in both of our best interests to continue allowing for our paths to remain near each other. Perhaps not on top of, identically, but definitely Near.
There are so many details... and they are floating all around me in snippets, in images, in sounds. I can not fully articulate them all here, but as they come, I shall try. The issues between me and H have been brewing for so long, and my superior ability to ignore them and overlook them have put us in this corner, struggling against an invisible monster -- it attacks us when we least expect it, at times when we're most vulnerable and disappears when we're most ready to fight it. And so we're left confused, dazed, and yet we're still standing. Life keeps swirling on around us, and brief moments of clarity step forth to keep us going.
I am still talking to YoungMan -- it is something that I have actively chosen. I have not made this clear to H, and so it may be that I am bringing a fog over us. But that is my choice. WDKY and Anonymous have both criticized my actions as lacking in responsibility, filled with cowardice and unfulfilling, as appropriate action. I don't deny any of those claims. I am not going to defend any of my actions here in this arena, as this is not that place to do so. This blog is my space, to write as I see fit, and I will not allow my safe-haven to be poisoned. That being said, I always welcome challenging inquiries, as I am aware that varying perspectives do ignite analysis and examination in ways not otherwise possible. I only request that they be presented as such, and not cloaked in judgment, hatred, and pure emotional violence. It does no good for anyone here.
YoungMan and I share a connection that is, best put, In the Momentary. We experience the act of living exactly as it occurs. Our thoughts, our actions, our present states bounce off each other and we are simply beings that enjoy each others' company. Present states change into newer present states, and with that comes radical shifting of emotional expressions between one another. The whole range of feelings flow through unoccupied channels between us. It's an incredible experience, really. There is no real justifiable way to compare what I have with YoungMan to what I have with H. They are completely separate states of being. Different parts of my mind, spirit and heart are touched and engaged with these two, and I'm okay with that. Is it true that I am not considering their outcomes, that I am just power-hungry and taking taking taking whatever I can from each of them? That's a judgment call that every onlooker can decide for themselves (or already has). The only judgments I am concerned with are those of my self, my H, and of YoungMan's. All others fall to the side, and eventually dissipate into the ether.
I am still hopeful for coming into our own, self-identified acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves, of one another, of the circumstances, of the lives we each choose. Through all of this, I am still hopeful.