It took me a month to write this...

This will perhaps be my final entry for this blog. This space has helped me through a major life crisis, and has seen me through some of the darkest moments of my life. It has helped me critically analyze my thoughts, actions and behaviors in a time of desperate isolation. I have tried, over the past two years, to be as honest as I could here, that is, to the extent that I was aware of my own self. I realize now that there was so much more beneath the myriad levels of surfaces that I barely began to scratch in this endeavor. As I see it, this blog was created in an attempt to harbor my secrets from my husband. In a way, I wish I never created this site. I wish that I had just been more forthcoming with him on that trigger-day when I decided that I was attracted to M -- the man from work who started this whole mess so long ago.

And now that it is too late for childish wishing, now that my marriage-in-infancy comes to a close, I find it appropriate to also bring this medium of communication to a close. My life is changing drastically, and I have a tumultuous path ahead. It may be months, years, or maybe never... for me to fully grieve and mourn my loss of losing the man I believed for so long to be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know there are those readers out there who truly despise me for what I have done to my husband. I have broken his heart, this is true. But what is less observable is that my husband and I were of one heart, at some point, and so that broken heart is also mine to bear. It is so much easier to label me as perpetrator, as evil-doer, as cold-hearted bitch. And for those of this mindset, I offer nothing but compassion because it is apparent to me that the experience of pain runs so deep that it blinds us all to the true healing power of kindness.

Before I say my farewells however, I shall attempt to explain my current state of mind, state of living, and state of affairs. I have moved out of our home, back in with my parents. H and I have filed a separation agreement. We are sorting through the finances, and we have been living separate lives for almost two months. I suppose you could say we're taking the necessary steps toward divorce. Financially, it's going to be tough, probably for a few years, but manageable. I seem to be fortunate in that I am ably-employed, and so long as I continue to be able to work on my feet, I should be able to maintain my household without being dependent on my husband financially.

I am continuing to see YoungMan, despite all the advice of well-intentioned friends, family members and online self-help articles. I am seeing a therapist on my own to work through many of these relationship issues that I have recently discovered about myself, in light of what has happened with H. I am overcoming a dark & powerful, yet thankfully brief glimpse down that wretched alley of suicidal thoughts. I am battling the difficult judgments of disapproval, shame, and disappointment from my closest loved ones, and attempting to get through it all with some modicum of self-respect.

Throughout my relationship with H, I had been living multiple fractured lives. The "me" that I was with him was different than the "me" I was with friends, and different still from the "me" that I was with family. Sure, we all may show different faces of our selves to various people, but in this case, I don't feel I had an integrity of self that carried on strong from person to person. I merely reflected the roles that I thought others wanted me to perform. I found out too late that the "me" I was with H was someone I didn't want to be. And with all the dishonesty that I had built into all the relationships around me (from the time I was a child) I was able to live for far too long, in a skin that I, in actuality, did not want.

I've learned about certain emotional needs that I have. Needs that I was never aware existed, and so easily ignored. Needs that determined how happy I could be, and how happy I was. H fulfilled many of those needs early on in our relationship, but because I wasn't fully aware of which emotional triggers were most important to me, when a lack began to develop between us, I didn't know how to identify the problem. My lack of understanding then translated to my inability to communicate those needs to my husband. His lack of empathy for my unhappiness also led to a further drifting apart of our closeness -- our bond that should not have been so easily severed. These were seeds that had been sown two years ago, long before I ever let my heart stray into another man's open arms.

I know that there is a pattern I have now set -- a pattern of abandonment, where I leave the ones who love me. In every major relationship that I've had, it always ended because I strayed and chose to leave. In fact, in retrospect, I always subconsciously chose to leave first, and then I cheated, in order to leave the relationship for good. It was as if unless I cheated, there would be no good reason to up and leave the amazing person I was with. As if, I had to force myself to do something extreme and Unworthy, to make that other person not be able to stand to remain with me any longer. And if, for some miracle, that person decided that they wanted to stick around, then I still pushed the envelope and said goodbye. I think I'm starting to understand the reasoning behind all of this twisted behavior. I think in the past I've always chosen lovers who I knew would set me on a pedestal. I knew they would cherish me and hold me as if to never let me go. Given my independent nature, this is a surefire way to race down a path that feels constricting and eventually terrifyingly trapped. A coworker once said to me "damn, you're dangerous." Upon asking for clarification, he replied "well, it's like this: men fall in love with you too fucking fast. Right away they're head over heels for you, aren't they?" And as I thought about it, it's true. Or at least, it's true that they think they're falling for me. H -- 2 1/2 weeks and he tells me he's in love with me. FunBuddy -- 3 times of having sex together and he admits to thinking he's falling for me. CoworkerFriend -- slept with him once and he told me he completely understands why someone would want to marry me, in order to wake up next to me everyday. 5 Past Lovers going back 10 years -- all within a few weeks of spending time with me, they're in love, visions of happily ever after, and in fact a relationship always follows. Is it that I am so flattered by this love-at-first-sight mentality that I allow myself to be swept away by the romance of it all? That, despite any reservations I may have, I pursue a relationship because it simply feels so good to be loved? Perhaps it is true. I suppose now I seem to be questioning whether or not that's a stance to accept as a relatively healthy one to have, or to reject it as an unhealthy approach to relationships altogether. I really don't know, but I'm working on it.

The website, Marriage Builders was so helpful to me in understanding why my marriage got to where it is now. Ironically, a website that's supposed to help me fix the broken marriage that I'm in is actually more helpful as a tool for establishing guidelines for a future significant relationship. One of the things I've alluded to in this post that I've taken from this doctor's theories is the idea of "Important Emotional Needs". I urge anyone who even questions the stability of their relationship to read these theories. The writer clearly and succinctly outlines what he perceives as the things we search for in our relationships, that ultimately determine our happiness, feelings of love & loving others, and solutions to typical problems that arise from not having these needs met. The thing that surprised me the most was that throughout the progression of my relationship with H, I became less and less self-aware, as though H's love for me numbed my sense of self-growth and personal progress. When I read the list of emotional needs, I identified mine rather easily, and yet was surprised at what they were. Even more surprising was how accurate they were in the elements that were slipping away in my marriage with H. I can't help but question if I had known these things earlier... if I was more in touch with my innermost feelings, if maybe I would have had a better time communicating with H, and maybe it never would have come to this. However, hindsight is always 20-20, and the reality of the situation is that it has come to this. We are in fact here at this juncture, and I am in reality, a survivor. I hope that at some point my H and I can become friends and sort through what we've been through. I don't know how possible that is, given the intensity of our relationship, but I would like that eventually.

Right now I am focused on regaining my sense of self-control and self-awareness. I'm taking the necessary steps to move forward in my life financially, healthfully, emotionally, and relationally. My new relationship with YM is amazingly fulfilling, and I find great joy in spending time with him. I'm experiencing brand new levels of vulnerability that are challenging for me, and frightening. But I'm aware of it and able to head it off at the start from turning into indifference and emotional distancing. He's able to read me so easily and can sense my every reaction, in ways I've never experienced, or felt so welcomed with another person. I have the feeling that our future is bright, but I'm not going to fall into my typical trap of envisioning perfection at every step. I've learned to accept my need for "imperfect space" -- the ability to say that I've failed, that it's okay, and to learn from those mistakes, rather than aspiring blindly and working hard for ultimate perfection consistently, such that even the tiniest of errors leads to an unbearable pain of disappointment in myself. I'm learning to quiet those disenfranchising voices that are persistently degrading my spirit and my strength. I think that YM has a great deal to do with how far I have come, in feeling accepted, despite my flaws, in feeling loved, because of them. There is something between us that allows us to be incredibly forgiving and open with one other. But I think ultimately it's the level of awareness that permeates our relationship that draws strength into our bond.

All in all, I'm feeling strong, calm, and in-touch. I feel as though my tender sapling is able once more to grow roots in fertile soil, and I am filled with hope that one day I can grow to have the grace, strength and beauty of a firmly planted and generously fruiting gift-tree. Until then, I shall find fulfillment in whatever bounty I can muster.

Thank you once again, to my readers who have been so kind as to drop by with notes and emails. I may end this blog temporarily, or permanently; I have yet to decide. Until I decide, this will probably remain online as is. I'm sure some day I will either change it or end it for good. I hope peace may come to all those in need of it. And I wish you all the best in life. Namaste.

that curve ball thing...

What has happened to my home? I've been creating this life, this fairy-tale marriage with my husband, filled to the brim with beauty, joy, and sheer delight. I've taken my fill of profound love, and still I desired *more*. I carved out a space on the side for fun and sexual experimentation, took that to its limits, and still I desired *more*. I dabble in infatuation and emotional connections, and still I desired *more*. It's then I find the golden egg, in an intimate, caring, expressive, erotic love affair. And it's like a hurricane that tears apart that happy home, leaving you exposed to all the elements. Leaving you raw. Torn to shreds. And there is despair staring at you right in the face. Depths of darkness you never knew existed, let alone experienced. And all the while, as the winds burn your skin straight off the flesh, and the cold of harsh wet rain shooting pellets against that exposed tissue, and the trees so large, so tall, so strong and rooted begin to fly as an albatross across the skies, all the while, you're wishing to just die from the pain. At least be knocked unconscious because living through this suffering just can not be called living one bit. And you scramble to find warmth, so you press your body against the next person despite your wounds, and despite his open sores, and the warmth of life soothes all the hurt and all the ache for just a second. The warmth gives you reason to push on through and maybe you don't want to die afterall. But then there's a numbness that settles into your bones that makes you wonder if perhaps this is it. This must be the bottom of hell. Hell is not a place of fire and burning. It is ache. It is suffering at such a depth that you lose all reason to live.

It is here in this space of hell, that my husband and I have visited, and are currently occupying.

But how can I illustrate the moments of clarity that have arisen from the cruel reality of our shared pain? The honesty that was revealed about my desires, my search for fulfilling what was lacking. I never wanted to admit there was a lacking, but in the talking, the truth came out. The need for freedom. Mental, sexual, emotional freedom. And all that entails. Details -- he wanted details of how, what, where, when, how often -- how do we do it? How do we move forth in this lifestyle that has fuzzy borders? How can we define even a pathway in something that is mutable and the possibility for abandonment lies almost like a certainty for any future together?

And yet words like freedom and desire flowed effortlessly throughout our conversations. It feels like we're moving from a place where we were simply surviving to a place where the opportunity for growth exists. Our bodies are still recoiling from hours and hours of sustained pain and grief. Our minds are still reeling from abstract notions that are meaningless without the human dose of real, irrational, raw emotion.

I thought on a number of occasions that I was going to lose my H forever. That he was going to slip away into a void of emptiness. The howling began in the back of my mind and I thought he was declaring us Over. I was prepared to get fixed. I was prepared to do everything I needed to find a solution. I was prepared to fall on my knees and let someone tell me that I'm fucked up and these are the ways to embrace the righteous life. And then the Two Voices of true, rational and generous love both told me today to believe in myself, and be true to who I am. Because without that, life for me will have no meaning. And that is as good as dead.

So this is my life, today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. The talking is... painful, difficult, honest, real. I don't think we've talked like this in years. It's been a series of contractual exchanges, small talk, bantering, bickering and moody fighting. This is something else entirely. This is a renewal of committment. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Adultery for me...

is like having a drink, taking some drugs or engaging in a risky adrenaline-pumping sport. It's recreational. It's fun. The flirting is fun. The newness of it all is exhilarating. The sexual attraction is a great reminder that the girl I used to be is still the same as the woman I am now. Like most exciting recreational activities, there's an immediate *boost* that uplifts your spirits and just makes you feel good. Yes, that may very well be the adrenaline talking, but it exists in sports, in exercise, in anything that deals with the physical form. And, as with any of the aforementioned activities, extra-marital sex can toe the line of obsession and addiction. If pushed to the limit, all of that boosted energy can become a whirlwind of chaos, sap your spirit of any reserves you might have had and toss you into a pit of exhaustion. Widely known as The Crash, (aka the hangover) so too does adultery have its minor (and major) pitfalls.

The most dangerous pitfall of all is the emotional bond. In a comment on my previous post, Thomas Paine mentioned the danger of getting caught. I mulled on this for a while, and have decided that getting caught by my husband is not the immediate danger where I find my thrill. Simply because I seriously don't want or need him to ever find out, and I don't really think he wants to know either. I know that he has his suspicions, and it comes out in his speech. At the same time, we've talked about our limits briefly, and I know that he simply doesn't want to know. I think so long as my behavior changes only on normal, regular terms, that is -- our daily relationship maintains its stability -- and our emotional state of affairs is in good standing, he really has no need to question my commitment to our marriage. I also feel the same way, which is why the danger that provokes a prolonged adrenaline rush is that which comes with the possibility of falling in love with someone other than my H.

Which brings me to BeautyEyes. He has been the only man I have ever come close to having these sorts of feelings for. I think because of our history together, there was an immediate bond aside from the sexual attraction. That intimacy that we experienced exists in a realm of its own -- the friendship intimacy that's laced with sexual attraction that seems to cross lines, however arbitrary they may be, and in doing so creates this fuzzy space that's amorphic, mutable and at times, downright scary.

After having processed this odd connection I have with BeautyEyes, and having slept with another co-worker, I couldn't help but feel somewhat... dirty. And it's not a dirty feeling like "oh my, I've slept with too many men, so I'm a slut" kind of dirty, but it's more of a muddled feeling as though I didn't know who I was anymore. The kind of dirty that sticks to your skin and doesn't wash off in the shower. That feeling when you first wake up with morning stickiness clinging in the air, oppressive humidity that consumes all the space, pushing out any room for circulation of a fresh breath. That kind of dirty.

So my solution lately has been to avoid the situation entirely. That means avoiding all people aside from my H. It's been working temporarily, but I know that it's not a permanent solution. I'm just not callous enough to fuck and run. I know I have to talk to the last guy I slept with and process what happened between us. Why did I say it would surely happen again? Why didn't I just leave? This man, my friend, an ex-coworker, was a person I spent a lot of time with. We were close. We had a real relationship at work. That night that we hung out, I said to him in jest "it's not like I'm going to sleep with you or anything" (perhaps my fatal mistake). And after we had sex later on that evening, he opened up to me even more than before. That scared me. He reminded me of me. I didn't want him to get too close. Now I realize he was my rebound from BeautyEyes. I just wanted to fuck. I wanted to be reassured that I could participate in this recreational activity, and just have fun, with seriously NSA (no strings attached). And when he hit me with that whammy of emotion, caused in the wake of really great sex with someone you've known and been in close proximity for almost a year who you've barely even touched -- well, it was too much for me. And so my Anonyma self crawled back into her hole in order that my everyday person could scrub down her dirty little emotional welfare to at least a resuscitated state.

And here is where I am today. Freshly showered. I have a few new perspectives, and maybe they'll sneak out here soon enough. All in all, I feel good.

Food for thought: when you have a sex dream with someone totally unexpected, it often has nothing to do with sexual attraction, though sometimes it might. Usually however, it reveals a newly formed intimacy with that particular person. Twice now I've had this sort of sex dream with my immediate supervisor (two different men). In both instances I knew exactly what my subconscious was getting at. The first time, my dream was relatively innocent. We only kissed, but there was an energy there that struck me enough to remember it during my waking hours. And sure enough, my boss and I had developed a friendly rapport just about the same time. This time, today I had a dream about my new boss -- The Brit. The problem is, I do find him rather sexy, and I was attracted to him from day one. Now I have a sex dream about him and it's clear that we're getting closer at work. To boot, it was a damned good sex dream where he basically forced his face onto the crotch of my jeans, surprising me with the most incredible through-the-pants face fuck I've ever experienced in a dream. The thing that's quite okay with this unrequited sexual attraction is that I know for a fact that he's nowhere near dangerous for me. He's devoted to his wife and kids, lives out of state and has zero opportunity to get me into any kinds of trouble. Plus, I respect him, on multiple fronts which means I would never endanger that situation for him. I think I've got a check on this one.

Aftermath

First I'd like to thank all the new visitors to this blog -- I'm pleasantly surprised and graciously welcoming of your reflections, your readership, your thoughts, your input. This place has been a refuge for me, somewhere I go when I need clarity, or a simple outlet for my harried emotions. I don't profess to be capable of giving advice or teaching in any way, but my writings do tend to be rather meaningful for me, and when these thoughts can touch someone else in a similar fashion, then I'm grateful for that momentary shared experience.

Yesterday was quite difficult for me because I woke up to an empty home, my head, body and spirit filled with a chaotic mix of feelings that ranged from exhaustion to delight. I craved a single, quiet response from BeautyEyes that never actually appeared. I wanted to know that he was okay with everything, or at least that he was going through something, anything, and that I in fact wasn't alone in my state of absolute confusion. The absence of recognition was painful, but eventually I did manage to get through the entire day.

And like clockwork, my H, in his hypersensitive extrasensory perception, tells me a story. It is about a colleague, who is currently suffering in his marriage because of how affairs have insinuated themselves between the two, and about the repurcussions of it all. The magnitude of those consequences is astounding, really. The couple has been living with this heavy issue for over ten years, with little to no resolution. And my H, in the telling of his tale, is so calm and understanding. He explains everything with a pragmatism that I feel is meant to give comfort to me. The thought crossed my mind once more that perhaps he does know about this website, and perhaps he has known all along. This thought does not give me the creeps anymore; in fact, if it is the case, what can I do about it? I did not broadcast it, I have tried the best I can to keep this part of me to myself, and so if he has stumbled upon it, and still is able to be the man I know him to be, then what is there to do?

In our phone conversation last night, he reminded me of the "pact" that we made -- that if I were to have a simple sexual encounter, to not mention it to him. There would be no need of it, for all it would bring to our lives would be misery, jealousy and unnecessary pain. However, if I found myself falling in love with another person, (which often happens in extramarital affairs) then that is an issue that needs a dialogue.

How could it be?? The timing for this kind of conversation is on the mark, in so many ways. Here I am feeling as though I have crossed a line with BeautyEyes because our interactions were so fully incorporated -- he is a good person and on a friendship level, he is someone that I trust and admire; on an intimate friend level, he is someone I feel connected with on so very many planes; on a sexual level, I feel as though our compatibility is tremendous. And so I am shaken; perhaps I should not have pursued this line through the thicket, for now I am caught by own flesh. And just as I am working through these feelings, here comes my H, bringing up these very issues from his perspective.

As painful as it was to have that kind of conversation over the phone, knowing what I know, it brought me such comfort and trust in my love for my H. He knows who I am, and he knows my passion. He may or may not know the details of what pursuits I've had, but whatever the case, he is an incredibly compassionate man whose love I cherish fully and eternally. Our conversation helped ground me and remind me of the strength I have in my core. I am entirely thankful for that, and today is a new day. I still have the desire to hear from BeautyEyes -- just a signal that things are okay between us. I still also plan on sending him the letter I'm currently writing and the package I'm compiling for his home and work space. So in a way, I'm still traveling this path, but I'm rooted again in what I know to be a good place for me. And that is truly a miracle.

an appreciative wife

so. it has been a very long time since I've done any kind of anonyma-living. a very long time. i've somehow managed to not return any of Mr. Smooth's phone calls, not contacted my Buddy, not email BeautyEyes, not bug M with innocent text messaging, and not be sexually attracted to anyone at work. sex with my H has continued to be a blessing, and i've actually gotten to a point where I'm rather comfortable and truly enjoy receiving oral from him. sex is still not as frequent as i prefer (nor he for that matter), but we still rock each other like mad in bed. our marital life on other fronts is ridiculously perfect, and I couldn't imagine a better person to spend the rest of my life with.

I realize it must be confusing, or troubling even, how I can feel such profound joy and happiness in our marriage, and yet be totally accepting in my non-moral stance about committing adultery. i can easily see how it could show lack of integrity, as though i am lying to myself. and yet, through all of this reflection, and after distancing myself from these actions, i still feel the same -- wholly and integrally in tune with what is true to my heart.

recently, i had a few moments of jealousy crop up when i entertained the idea that perhaps my H's long hours at work this year were his cover for having an affair. then the denial hit -- "no, no, of course he's not having an affair; I know exactly what's keeping him at work each and every day. and he's too distracted, he could never keep something like that from me. besides he's a wuss, he'd totally fall in love if he were involved with someone else, and then it would be obvious." but i kept playing anyway -- "okay, so what if he is having an affair, and i'm totally falling for his act?" then i starting thinking about which of the women i knew who he might want. what's funny is i wouldn't mind if it was one of our friends... unless she happened to be more of a friend to him than to me. isn't that strange? jealousy. fear of the unknown. i let my mind play that game for a little while, and then all of the sudden, i said to myself, fuck it. if it's happening, it's happening. i sure as hell don't want to know about it. we're still happy, no matter what outside information I know or don't know. we enjoy each other's company so very much in our recreational time, that in all honesty, what he does at work, on his time, i could care less, so long as it doesn't come back to bite me (as in stds or open flaunting that would directly lead to causing me pain, in the manner of jealousy). and so i realize, i could easily participate in an open relationship, with the basic ground rules of common courtesy of course. i mean shit, we're already swingers, it's not much of stretch to push it all the way open, is it?

and here comes my black guilt of a conscience creeping up, "aha. you knew this all along. this is what you wanted from the beginning, and you were too much of coward to say it up front. and now you're trying to inject this lifestyle into a person who does not choose it freely. this is no good. i can not entice a man into the simple and acceptable life of monogamy and flip it around on him once he's been ensnared. that just isn't fair." so i go on, thankful for the beautiful life i'm living, for the romance my wonderful husband is giving, and for all the privilege this life has to offer.

all along, knowing that i could easily live on my own, promiscuous and free. I could, if I had to. And I would enjoy it, thoroughly. and yet, a married life with my H is what I prefer. It is what I choose. Everyday I choose him over the myriad other choices and opportunities that await. without the "options", I would not have the opportunity to make such a profound, existential choice.