It took me a month to write this...

This will perhaps be my final entry for this blog. This space has helped me through a major life crisis, and has seen me through some of the darkest moments of my life. It has helped me critically analyze my thoughts, actions and behaviors in a time of desperate isolation. I have tried, over the past two years, to be as honest as I could here, that is, to the extent that I was aware of my own self. I realize now that there was so much more beneath the myriad levels of surfaces that I barely began to scratch in this endeavor. As I see it, this blog was created in an attempt to harbor my secrets from my husband. In a way, I wish I never created this site. I wish that I had just been more forthcoming with him on that trigger-day when I decided that I was attracted to M -- the man from work who started this whole mess so long ago.

And now that it is too late for childish wishing, now that my marriage-in-infancy comes to a close, I find it appropriate to also bring this medium of communication to a close. My life is changing drastically, and I have a tumultuous path ahead. It may be months, years, or maybe never... for me to fully grieve and mourn my loss of losing the man I believed for so long to be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know there are those readers out there who truly despise me for what I have done to my husband. I have broken his heart, this is true. But what is less observable is that my husband and I were of one heart, at some point, and so that broken heart is also mine to bear. It is so much easier to label me as perpetrator, as evil-doer, as cold-hearted bitch. And for those of this mindset, I offer nothing but compassion because it is apparent to me that the experience of pain runs so deep that it blinds us all to the true healing power of kindness.

Before I say my farewells however, I shall attempt to explain my current state of mind, state of living, and state of affairs. I have moved out of our home, back in with my parents. H and I have filed a separation agreement. We are sorting through the finances, and we have been living separate lives for almost two months. I suppose you could say we're taking the necessary steps toward divorce. Financially, it's going to be tough, probably for a few years, but manageable. I seem to be fortunate in that I am ably-employed, and so long as I continue to be able to work on my feet, I should be able to maintain my household without being dependent on my husband financially.

I am continuing to see YoungMan, despite all the advice of well-intentioned friends, family members and online self-help articles. I am seeing a therapist on my own to work through many of these relationship issues that I have recently discovered about myself, in light of what has happened with H. I am overcoming a dark & powerful, yet thankfully brief glimpse down that wretched alley of suicidal thoughts. I am battling the difficult judgments of disapproval, shame, and disappointment from my closest loved ones, and attempting to get through it all with some modicum of self-respect.

Throughout my relationship with H, I had been living multiple fractured lives. The "me" that I was with him was different than the "me" I was with friends, and different still from the "me" that I was with family. Sure, we all may show different faces of our selves to various people, but in this case, I don't feel I had an integrity of self that carried on strong from person to person. I merely reflected the roles that I thought others wanted me to perform. I found out too late that the "me" I was with H was someone I didn't want to be. And with all the dishonesty that I had built into all the relationships around me (from the time I was a child) I was able to live for far too long, in a skin that I, in actuality, did not want.

I've learned about certain emotional needs that I have. Needs that I was never aware existed, and so easily ignored. Needs that determined how happy I could be, and how happy I was. H fulfilled many of those needs early on in our relationship, but because I wasn't fully aware of which emotional triggers were most important to me, when a lack began to develop between us, I didn't know how to identify the problem. My lack of understanding then translated to my inability to communicate those needs to my husband. His lack of empathy for my unhappiness also led to a further drifting apart of our closeness -- our bond that should not have been so easily severed. These were seeds that had been sown two years ago, long before I ever let my heart stray into another man's open arms.

I know that there is a pattern I have now set -- a pattern of abandonment, where I leave the ones who love me. In every major relationship that I've had, it always ended because I strayed and chose to leave. In fact, in retrospect, I always subconsciously chose to leave first, and then I cheated, in order to leave the relationship for good. It was as if unless I cheated, there would be no good reason to up and leave the amazing person I was with. As if, I had to force myself to do something extreme and Unworthy, to make that other person not be able to stand to remain with me any longer. And if, for some miracle, that person decided that they wanted to stick around, then I still pushed the envelope and said goodbye. I think I'm starting to understand the reasoning behind all of this twisted behavior. I think in the past I've always chosen lovers who I knew would set me on a pedestal. I knew they would cherish me and hold me as if to never let me go. Given my independent nature, this is a surefire way to race down a path that feels constricting and eventually terrifyingly trapped. A coworker once said to me "damn, you're dangerous." Upon asking for clarification, he replied "well, it's like this: men fall in love with you too fucking fast. Right away they're head over heels for you, aren't they?" And as I thought about it, it's true. Or at least, it's true that they think they're falling for me. H -- 2 1/2 weeks and he tells me he's in love with me. FunBuddy -- 3 times of having sex together and he admits to thinking he's falling for me. CoworkerFriend -- slept with him once and he told me he completely understands why someone would want to marry me, in order to wake up next to me everyday. 5 Past Lovers going back 10 years -- all within a few weeks of spending time with me, they're in love, visions of happily ever after, and in fact a relationship always follows. Is it that I am so flattered by this love-at-first-sight mentality that I allow myself to be swept away by the romance of it all? That, despite any reservations I may have, I pursue a relationship because it simply feels so good to be loved? Perhaps it is true. I suppose now I seem to be questioning whether or not that's a stance to accept as a relatively healthy one to have, or to reject it as an unhealthy approach to relationships altogether. I really don't know, but I'm working on it.

The website, Marriage Builders was so helpful to me in understanding why my marriage got to where it is now. Ironically, a website that's supposed to help me fix the broken marriage that I'm in is actually more helpful as a tool for establishing guidelines for a future significant relationship. One of the things I've alluded to in this post that I've taken from this doctor's theories is the idea of "Important Emotional Needs". I urge anyone who even questions the stability of their relationship to read these theories. The writer clearly and succinctly outlines what he perceives as the things we search for in our relationships, that ultimately determine our happiness, feelings of love & loving others, and solutions to typical problems that arise from not having these needs met. The thing that surprised me the most was that throughout the progression of my relationship with H, I became less and less self-aware, as though H's love for me numbed my sense of self-growth and personal progress. When I read the list of emotional needs, I identified mine rather easily, and yet was surprised at what they were. Even more surprising was how accurate they were in the elements that were slipping away in my marriage with H. I can't help but question if I had known these things earlier... if I was more in touch with my innermost feelings, if maybe I would have had a better time communicating with H, and maybe it never would have come to this. However, hindsight is always 20-20, and the reality of the situation is that it has come to this. We are in fact here at this juncture, and I am in reality, a survivor. I hope that at some point my H and I can become friends and sort through what we've been through. I don't know how possible that is, given the intensity of our relationship, but I would like that eventually.

Right now I am focused on regaining my sense of self-control and self-awareness. I'm taking the necessary steps to move forward in my life financially, healthfully, emotionally, and relationally. My new relationship with YM is amazingly fulfilling, and I find great joy in spending time with him. I'm experiencing brand new levels of vulnerability that are challenging for me, and frightening. But I'm aware of it and able to head it off at the start from turning into indifference and emotional distancing. He's able to read me so easily and can sense my every reaction, in ways I've never experienced, or felt so welcomed with another person. I have the feeling that our future is bright, but I'm not going to fall into my typical trap of envisioning perfection at every step. I've learned to accept my need for "imperfect space" -- the ability to say that I've failed, that it's okay, and to learn from those mistakes, rather than aspiring blindly and working hard for ultimate perfection consistently, such that even the tiniest of errors leads to an unbearable pain of disappointment in myself. I'm learning to quiet those disenfranchising voices that are persistently degrading my spirit and my strength. I think that YM has a great deal to do with how far I have come, in feeling accepted, despite my flaws, in feeling loved, because of them. There is something between us that allows us to be incredibly forgiving and open with one other. But I think ultimately it's the level of awareness that permeates our relationship that draws strength into our bond.

All in all, I'm feeling strong, calm, and in-touch. I feel as though my tender sapling is able once more to grow roots in fertile soil, and I am filled with hope that one day I can grow to have the grace, strength and beauty of a firmly planted and generously fruiting gift-tree. Until then, I shall find fulfillment in whatever bounty I can muster.

Thank you once again, to my readers who have been so kind as to drop by with notes and emails. I may end this blog temporarily, or permanently; I have yet to decide. Until I decide, this will probably remain online as is. I'm sure some day I will either change it or end it for good. I hope peace may come to all those in need of it. And I wish you all the best in life. Namaste.

analyzing, questions, memories, today

When I was in college, I had no health insurance, so my only option for birth control (in the pill format) was to go through Planned Parenthood. My first exam was given by a very very kind woman doctor who, while going over my medical history with me commented on my answer for the "number of sexual partners in the last three months" question. During that time period, I was "between boyfriends", and had slept with 4 different men. My doctor's comment was "Oh, so you're shopping around?" I was totally embarrassed by that, which she could see, and immediately followed up with "really, it's okay. It's normal to go through a few partners in beween relationships, until you find someone you like." And then she smiled. I was somewhat comforted by her gesture, but in retrospect, I realize that my initial embarrassment speaks volumes as to the foundation that was laid for the rest of my ongoing sex life.

Yes, I am still embarrassed for being promiscuous. Everyday I'm made to feel in the "real world" that sexual and relationship promiscuity is either morally corrupt, emotionally dangerous, disrespectful, disempowering or a whole host of derrogatory descriptors. And yet, I'm consumed by this will to defy that massive force of negativity. My only regret is that I am unable to share this rebellion against the world with my husband. It's like having a toy that can't be played with together because for some illogical reason it will come alive and bite him and hurt him badly if he goes near it. The question becomes "Is it fair then to continue playing with this toy, if he can't partake in the fun?" The kindest option I can think of is to follow the simple guidelines of if you have to play, then "don't flaunt it", "do it on your own time", and "don't let it affect him negatively", all the while knowing: should it ever arise, I must suffer the consequences with humility and compassion.

As for that doctor's comment, I was reminded of it today because I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I'm doing with these lifestyle choices I'm making. It seems that so many of my decisions are based purely on lust, instinct and presence-of-mind-desire. And yet I can't help but wonder if there is some other, deeper, psychological motivation behind all of this. One of my girlfriends has expressed to me on two occasions now that she and my other close girlfriend had previously discussed and were "worried" about me during my Happily Single [and Extremely Promiscuous] Days. As if there might be a deeper issue at hand that would explain why I was having so much sex with such little committment. They pondered, "is she just having fun or could it be that her self-esteem and self-worth is dependant upon the attentions of these men?" Of course, I've questioned this very thought myself, and I keep coming up with the answer that something is inherently wrong with the whole line of questioning.

Has this growing list of men been a futile attempt at gaining self-worth? (Futile because apparently it doesn't work, since I have to keep going, with more and more men.) Am I simply reacting on a base level of human sexual desire, working from a no-holds-barred attitude? (ie. just having some fun) OR. The newest option: am I in the midst of shopping around? I feel quite deeply, from a realm of my heart that exists beyond time, space and rational thinking, that my husband is indeed the only man who is as compatible, as fitting, as complementary with me as is possible in this life. Our union holds something that I feel is truly remarkable, and I have utmost faith that our love will withstand whatever life throws at us. So I can't possibly be shopping around for another H. If it is the case that I am looking for something ~else~, then what could that be?

All of the men with whom I've had Adulterous Affairs were chosen with certain criteria in mind. Aside from sexual attraction (a given), they had to be on some level, "unattainable". Somehow, it had to be impractical to be with the person. This was in fact a deliberate act, in part to protect my marriage, and in part to give me an easy out. There could be no way that I would develop an emotional bond with an individual if the friendship had nothing but obstacles in the way. To an extent, I avoid developing emotional bonds with most of the men in my life, even if they are close friends with both H and myself. Perhaps it is for fear that something might occur within that emotional connection that could possibly threaten the strength of my bond with H. So I don't test it.

But sex... is a totally different story. Sex -- I can break down into attributes, personality, technique, skill, and generosity. I can mechanize it and tear it apart. I can easily admit that various aspects of each of the men I've been with get stacked up against my husband, and everytime my husband wins out, when you take the whole package to scale. Perhaps it is that bond that I cherish so much that keeps the magic between us, and remains untouched by even the most gifted of the lot. The men I've been with have been seasoned lovers, both physically and emotionally. They all have given me the distance I need, and the respect they feel I deserve. Each one of them has had realistic expectations about my marriage, and has never come close to overstepping that boundary. In a way, they've been perfect. So it seems to me that if it was a role-filler I was searching for, (in the role of long-term sideline-lover) then I've easily found a few. Yet I keep looking. So it must not be that.

Which brings me to my latest situation. What's flourishing with YoungMan is something totally different than all the others. What makes it different, I'm not quite sure of yet. But there's a twinge of immediacy that sets a different tone here. He has no wife, no kids. He goes out drinking when he wants, with whom he wants. He has total freedom over his life. He lives at home with his parents. He has no fear, and nothing to lose. He really is Youth-Incarnate, in so many ways. YoungMan lives within a half-hour of our home. We work together, so I see him everyday. The ease is astounding. When we have sex, it's joyous, acrobatic, intimate, passionately devouring, compelling, impulsive, lovely, and physically exhausting. When he looks at me, I feel something stirring inside that is frank, clear and bright. It's not just the "newness" of touch from a person other than the familiar. I don't know what it is, but I am enamoured.

7 hours... fuck.

Am I a sexual addict? I suppose that depends on who's the judge of that question. Between my husband and myself, we both agree that masturbation, frequent sex, fantasy play, sexual experimentation (bdsm, etc.), and attending swinger's orgies are all well within the realm of healthy sexual behavior. No harm caused. However, there are individuals out there who feel that any sexual behavior that strays from the kind between a man and a woman who love each other and are married to one another is problematic. It just so happens that the creators of the idea that there is such a condition as sexual addiction falls heavily to the side of those who find these things as atypical, abnormal, and morally troublesome.

Am I an addict for involving myself in a marathon sex act last night? Seven fucking hours, with a quick nap in between. Fucking for seven hours! At a tender age of 23, he's the youngest man I've been with in a long time, and wow does it show. All of the men I've had affairs with, since being married, have been at a minimum of 33 years, ranging upwards to about 40+. (It should come as no surprise that he was yet another coworker who I've now seduced. That brings the count up to 4 fellow workers. This really should stop, as I'm relatively concerned about my reputation. However, I'm probably a bit too trusting that these men will stay silent on the issue.) This one actually feels like a boy-toy. Not sure how I feel about that. He seems to be fine and dandy about it -- and why not? He now has had the opportunity to be involved in an affair with an older, married, exotic, hot chick, whom it seems everyone at work drools over. As for me, I'm not really sure how I feel about having a boy-toy. Not so much that I'm older than he, but I think I'm growing a conscience about using these people as sexual objects. But herein lies the irony: when a subject readily chooses to partake in an objectification of his/her being, then can it still be considered objectification? Much like the master-slave predicament, the power is with the slave, who chooses to relinquish that power for the satisfaction of the master. And if both master and slave are satisfied with the established relationship, then is it not a shared burden on the two? Are they not both responsible for the interbeingness at hand? A master can not exist without her slave, for the very nature of her role. She is wholly dependent upon this other being for her own being. Isn't that truly what treating others as subjects is about?

Whatever the case is, I now have the issue of seeing this man at work. On the one hand, I am pretty delighted with the situation because I get to infuse a bit of excitement to my job where it was beginning to lack. On the other hand, there is so much left to Uncertainty. I barely know the kid, and have no clue as to what his temperament is. Will he cause me trouble? Will he respect my views? Will he understand my marriage issues? Will he even care about this crap? My guess, from what little I do know about him, is that he'll be pretty good at playing it cool, keeping this little secret between us, and continue making me wet my panties while at work. I've found there are generally two distinct personalities that I'm attracted to: one being the cocky, arrogant, fuck-the-world kind of guy, and the other being the quiet, mysterious, introverted and silently rebellious type. (Is that the male version of the ma dona/whore complex?) Is it coincidental that my husband resembles a bit of both, or am I just damned lucky? That's all beside the point. This young man... what shall I call him... he's got an incredibly hot body, smooth features, strong musculature, is tall and thin, and has an enormous cock. Fat, long, straight and hard. Perhaps a tad too large for my petite frame. He reminds me of a boy I had a college affair with long, long ago. I shall call him YoungMan. That will work. YoungMan happens to fall into the category of quiet, mysterious and introverted. So far, I've been able to read my interests well enough to gauge their social intelligence pretty accurately, and from what I've witnessed, YoungMan will do just fine with our little situation. I suppose I'll soon see.

Mmmm.... strap on lady lovin'

Well, this is a real quickie... I was just watching some pretty decent strap-on porn and the funniest thought came across my mind (after I orgasmed already). The video was of one girl wearing a strap-on and basically fucking the other girl, either with her tongue, her fingers or the dildo -- it was very one-sided, almost dominatrix-like, but without the submissive role play. I generally don't get off on the idea of only one person doing all the "doing" because it doesn't seem as real to me. But at least with this particular girl, she knew how to use the cock. I've seen quite a few videos where the girl just doesn't know how to move her body with an attachment like that, and the akwardness of it all just ruins the fantasy.

Anyway, the funny thought was this: 100% lesbian sex to me is like being a vegetarian after having lived a carniverous life -- for whatever reasons you chose to stay away from the meat, you still remember what it was like, and you still crave the flavor. So sometimes you might try some imitation meat, just to savour the taste of it. But really, it's just not the same. And that's probably how it would go down with the lesbian lifestyle for me too. I just love cock -- and the touch of the man that's attached -- waaaay too much to let it go completely.

At the same time, I don't think I go for enough lady-lovin' for lots of varying reasons. Honestly, I think it would be more difficult for me to treat a woman as a sexual object, as opposed to how very easy it is for me to do that with men. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who just want to fuck, with no strings whatsoever, but perhaps I'm too easily suckered into the stereotype that tells a different story. Not to mention, it's SO MUCH harder to even get into a sex-casual conversation with a woman, as opposed to the men I interact with all day long. And to top it off, I know that deep down, I am afraid of branding myself as Lesbian. Issues. Damn I gots issues.

an update

Fascinating how things work... I catch myself from falling into a pit of desperate, unrequited, impossible love (or infatuation, whatever label you want), I rip myself from the agony of longing, pine poetically from a distance, and snap myself back to reality. Only, what new reality awaits? Another retinue of men making my life so very interesting. Translation: somehow I've managed to give BeautyEyes some room, giving my own distraught self some comfort space, and as I take in a deep breath of purifying distance, I slowly look around and realize that I'm once again surrounded by fun-loving, handsome men and boy-toys. Everyday I'm greeted at work by one of these super-fun guys who happens to have a tight little body that I so enjoy ogling, and bright bright bright blue eyes that are great at making direct eye-contact with. I mentioned him briefly here, and now that I've mentioned him again, I may as well give him a nickname too. Let's call him The Brit. Not only is he stunningly arrogant (a real turn-on, when done just right), but I swear his eyes say one thing when his lips speak another. On certain individuals this type of behavior can be quite foolish and ostensibly plastic. However, some know how to communicate on multiple levels, and in fact it becomes rather endearing. I like working with The Brit, and I often fantasize about various positions with him. Usually it's me pinned up against the wall and he's madly sucking at my tits, or fucking me with a major sense of pent-up sexual aggression. This is why I love work these days...

My fun Buddy recently called, and it's been nice thinking about him again. I really like him as a friend, and I was thinking back on those days way back before I even was married. My friendship history with B goes so far back and we've always been such comfortable friends, that the sex between us is simply natural. There's no complication of falling in love, since our friendship has already determined what type of emotional connection we enjoy. It's been many many months since I've seen him, but I'd like to get together with him again, really to just hang out. Since it's been so long, I also wonder if the spark is still there... we'll find out about that whenever we see each other again. For us, time is really on our side.

After a long bout of silence between me and BeautyEyes, probably due to both of us sensing a bit of trepidation due to the strong chance of falling for one another, we are text messaging again. I'd be very happy to establish a comfortable type of friendship with him that I have with B, with the benefit of sexual tension of course, but I'm really not sure if that's even possible. With some people, you just can't restrain that intense passion and so it may have to be one of those hot hot hot or cold cold cold types of relationships. And the cold might hurt when it's happening, but the hot just might be totally worth it.

Also, in a couple of weeks, I shall be enjoying the presence of a very good friend -- a gentleman I haven't seen in about five years, but has remained an email buddy since college. He also happens to be a kindred spirit, who I feel I will know for the entirety of my lifetime. That fills me with a deep, deep joy.

Bonus: after two years now, employed in a highly male-dominated field, I've finally managed to make coworker-friends with whom I enjoy hanging out and with whom there is absolutely zero danger of having a fling with. I finally learned something -- if I want to maintain any kind of lasting friendship, I simply can not be sexually attracted to him. Then I don't have to worry about making googly-eyes or unwittingly (or wittingly) entrapping the poor bastard into kissing me and touching me, all in the process of cheating on his wife. Result: I actually have friends who are guys again. It's been a very long time since that has happened. Ever since I got married, all men-friends ceased contact with me like I'm a leper. Does that prove that all my guy friends just really hung around because they thought there was some remote possibility of getting involved with me? Or is it something more territorial? It's all a huge mystery to me.

insecurity and impropriety

When I was in the high school, I wore pantyhose to school every now and again. One day when I was in the 10th grade, I wore a pair that were hand-me-downs and happened to be a couple sizes too large. No problem, nylons are stretchy, so most of it fit just fine; the only problem was that the length was meant for someone between the sizes of 5'6" to 5'10" or so and as a result, they kept inching their way down my legs, seeing as I was a whopping 5'3" at the time. Of course as they began to sag, I would have to hike them up, bit by bit so that the sagginess was up high enough that the circumference of my thigh would be thick enough to at least hold them for a good half-hour before they began to sag again. I remember I was in social studies class, and in order to do this ritual, I was forced to stick my leg out into the isle between my desk and the wall so that I could pull them up high and tight, in the meanwhile, pulling up my skirt as well. I didn't realize anyone was looking as I was doing this, but apparently, my teacher had! He called me out into the hallway and gave me a stern talking-to. He said "what were you trying to do in there?" and I replied, "I was pulling up my pantyhose because they were slipping down." Mind you, I wasn't attracted to him whatsoever, and I didn't have a clue that it could possibly turn anyone on, let alone be an inappropriate action on my part. He then said to me, "well, you shouldn't be doing that in class, because you really don't know who it could be affecting." I probably went beet red when he said that, proceeded to apologize, and then slinked back into my seat in horror that I could have been "affecting" my teacher. That was my first lesson in sexual impropriety.

Again, when I was in high school, my mother took me bathing suit shopping. I wanted my first bikini... after I had boobs. (Those first sets of two pieces when you're flat as a board really don't count.) After I tried it on, loving the way my barely-there boobies looked in this new suit that looked exactly like a matching bra & panty set, my mom checked it out on me. The first thing she said to me was "don't you feel naked in that?" Quizzically, I looked at her and said "No way! It's a bikini!" All throughout high school, I wore short, short cutoff shorts, tiny shirts, tight tank tops, short mini-skirts, and never did I feel naked. I felt cute, and sexy. But I didn't realize how the sexy part affected others. Perhaps I was a bit oblivious. Really, I was very oblivious. I just wanted to look pretty, never really thinking that my body was at all sexy, given all of my girl friends were over-developed, curvaceous and already looking like real women at the age of 13. I never thought the boys that I wanted even looked at me "like that" anyway, and I was so inexperienced in that arena, why would I possibly be self-conscious about the way I dressed? Those days are now long gone... Now, even though I love the way my legs and ass look in short shorts, I can't bring myself to wear them. Forget mini-skirts! And when I wear a bikini that makes me look hot, I still want to wear a cover up. Let me tell you why: I do hear my mother saying "don't you feel naked?" And then I hear my social studies teacher saying "you don't know who it could be affecting." I went to the beach with my friends a few weeks ago, and wore a bikini. I was self-conscious because I didn't want the wife to feel uncomfortable that I was looking sexy while her husband was right there. And I didn't want her to feel bad that she's overweight and I'm stick-thin. I never "dress up" when I go out with my husband because he says he hates it when I look good. I know he's joking, but on one level, he actually is insecure of having a babe as a wife. That's why I always wear jeans. And pants. I can still look good in them, yet I'm not pushing that button of impropriety. I'm always asking him "is this too much?"

Thank you world for somehow making me dislike my own comfort in this sexy body.

Scrubs

-- the tv show that I've begun watching. The main character, JD, (played by Zach Braff) keeps reminding me of BeautyEyes. I'm totally addicted to the show these days, and I'm now quite enamored with this guy, if only because he so reminds me of BeautyEyes. It's not necessarily that they look alike, (though in a way, they really do -- just imagine brown skin and grey eyes, though just as striking) but there's some hint of personality similarity, maybe it's the nerdiness? which I absolutely adore, by the way. This might very well be the first time that I've actually had a celebrity crush... the first time I've ever had any genuine curiosity about getting to know an actor, on a personal level. I'm finding it rather strange, really. I've felt that way about authors, but I think the nature of acting and celebritizing forces automatic walls between us and them, versus a pulling force of mental attraction that comes along with writers.

Anyway, I should probably stop watching the show because it's just pulling me down deeper into my depraved cyclone of obsession. I'm really trying to stop thinking about BeautyEyes because I know our situation is absolutely impossible, and I most likely will never get another weekend with him ever. After I sent him a drunken email, I realized how close to the edge I am with this guy, and the teetering is doing no good whatsoever.

On another front completely: I started a new job today and I'm surrounded for the first time by men who are happily involved with their wives/fiancees. No divorced sense of alienation, no sex-hungry single boys, just men who are (at least outwardly) satisfied with their women. THAT is strange in my profession. How ironic then, that one of these men I find absolutely stunning. Once again, the eyes! This guy brings back memories for me of my girlhood fantasies of who I would want to marry. Dark brown hair, chiseled features, BRIGHT blue eyes, and he's a brit to boot! Witty, and sarcastic as hell with a bite on the end of every statement. Dare I say, hot? I don't work with him directly, so I can't really stare at him for long periods of time given we don't hold very long conversations. But when I can steal the time when he's not looking, I'm amazed at how fucking handsome he is. Nothing like a workplace crush to make the hours go by pleasantly...