Even More is Changing

I have gone to see an individual therapist, to help sort through all the confusion that I have been living. When I was sitting there explaining the situation to her, I was shocked and appalled at what picture I was painting. But that picture is the very thing I have been avoiding, and the very truth I have not wanted to admit for a very long time. Much of it I held back in couples' counseling, and even held back from myself.

When H and I first began our journey together, it was almost as though I was a blank slate. I was a young adult just coming into the world, with few attachments and tons of dreams. The world was at my fingertips, and my passion for life was inspiring and contagious. H reflected my passion back to me, and was experienced, full of knowledge and had a wisdom of his own. He allowed me to be free in all of my creative endeavors. For the first time in my life, I felt fully celebrated and cherished. I thought "this is a good man -- a man I want to have in my life". Only, there were two things that bothered me and I let them sit aside. One thing, I believed to be unnecessary, really a fool's hope, and the other, I thought would go away. The first thing I have never admitted anywhere... that our first kiss, and subsequently most every kiss thereafter, lacked the spark, the zing, the passion that I had hoped for. But the sex was good. So I thought "perhaps he just doesn't like kissing". I didn't think that passionate kissing could be so important. Perhaps it was just a romantic image of puppy love, and I thought that a mature and honest relationship meant letting go of such images. The second thing, which has been the entire issue at hand, was his immediate closing off to the idea of polyamory and an open relationship. These two aspects were the only "cons" in deciding whether or not I wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and the "pros" significantly outweighed them. Now, as we are facing a real separation, I am floundering to remember what all those "pros" were, and in fact I am questioning the entire process by which I came to such a decision.

I realize now that each one of us has personality traits that exhibit themselves in both beneficial and harmful manners. There is no real list of "pros" that remain in that column for good. In fact, we oscillate our heads and tails constantly, and it's through these various interactions that we navigate the best path. We each attempt to seek a balance in life that allows for more benefit than harm, but sometimes lines get blurred and crossed. I wonder if maybe I decided to marry for wrong reasons. If my sight was blurred by the prospect of perfection. I really thought that H was perfect for me. Why couldn't I see that notion as problematic? Why couldn't I allow imperfection into the early stages of our relationship so that we would know how to deal with real problems as they arise. Instead, we both operated under such an extreme sense of delicate beauty that now real trouble has no stable base from which to evolve. Instead, I am finding myself running away, emotionally vacant for any sort of reconciliation.

I have been reading more about divorce and the whole process of it, emotionally, financially, etc. I've discovered even more about what truths I don't want to admit... It feels like I don't have the patience to "work through" our marriage troubles. I, as the "Leaver" in this relationship, have been experiencing an emotional detachment from my husband for well over a year. I have hindered good communication with him by deliberately avoiding various subjects. I have hidden an entire chunk of my sexuality from him (not just hiding my desires to experience other people, but even the waning of sexual satisfaction between us), simply to avoid the emotional messiness involved. I don't blame H at all for any of my detachments, but I do mourn the loss of our path together. I also feel extremely responsible for bringing this situation to reality. However, I am finished with feeling responsible for his emotional state. This is something I have to come to terms with; for entirely too long, I have taken his emotional health in my own hands -- the ups, the downs, everything in my eyes was dependant upon my actions and my behaviors. But his world can not revolve around me. He made me the source of all his happiness, and I allowed that to continue on. And in return, I led him to believe the same... that he was the only source of my happiness. It was an ego boost for both of us, but one that ultimately lacked a true depth of honesty and integrity. I don't see how a relationship based on this sort of foundation can just heal and move forward. It seems to me that the whole thing must be razed and rebuilt from scratch. And in all honesty, if I am going to start from scratch, I'd like to do it in full consideration of the aims and goals I'd like to see happen in the future, from financial & business goals to emotional, sexual, relationship and family visions. This means an entire remodeling of my life. I'd like to say I still have hopes that this future has room for my H, that I would like him there, but everything he is telling me now says otherwise. He and I don't share similar goals, financially, sexually, or in terms of family. I had believed that all of our "life-changing" decisions were based on teamwork and true concensus, but it's becoming clear to me that in fact we made too many important decisions based on wanting to please the other and not facing our selves honestly. Not healthy.

Where does my relationship with YoungMan lie in all of this? H thinks that my decision to keep seeing him is not a good one; that, not only is it continuing to break H's heart, but he thinks I'm mistaken to believe that this other relationship could be at all beneficial to me. It may be true that statistically, relationships that begin with deceit (ie. from an adulterous affair) end eventually. And it may be true that what might develop between me and YoungMan is tainted with this separation from my H. Tainted with psychological shit -- unresolved crap that might arise again between us. I can't foresee the future any more than the next person, so I really don't know what will happen. However, I do know that on a personal, individual level, I am committed to bringing out the skeletons of my closet, and dealing with them as honestly as I can. And as long as YoungMan is open to being honest with me, as best as he knows how, then all we can do is take it one day at a time. I know that I am still dealing with my relationship with H. I haven't signed him or us off completely. I know that it will probably continue for a long time, and may never come to full resolution. But given the results of this phase of my mental clarity, I do think this separation is the best decision at this point. So I will be moving out over the next week. Just in time for the holidays...

analyzing, questions, memories, today

When I was in college, I had no health insurance, so my only option for birth control (in the pill format) was to go through Planned Parenthood. My first exam was given by a very very kind woman doctor who, while going over my medical history with me commented on my answer for the "number of sexual partners in the last three months" question. During that time period, I was "between boyfriends", and had slept with 4 different men. My doctor's comment was "Oh, so you're shopping around?" I was totally embarrassed by that, which she could see, and immediately followed up with "really, it's okay. It's normal to go through a few partners in beween relationships, until you find someone you like." And then she smiled. I was somewhat comforted by her gesture, but in retrospect, I realize that my initial embarrassment speaks volumes as to the foundation that was laid for the rest of my ongoing sex life.

Yes, I am still embarrassed for being promiscuous. Everyday I'm made to feel in the "real world" that sexual and relationship promiscuity is either morally corrupt, emotionally dangerous, disrespectful, disempowering or a whole host of derrogatory descriptors. And yet, I'm consumed by this will to defy that massive force of negativity. My only regret is that I am unable to share this rebellion against the world with my husband. It's like having a toy that can't be played with together because for some illogical reason it will come alive and bite him and hurt him badly if he goes near it. The question becomes "Is it fair then to continue playing with this toy, if he can't partake in the fun?" The kindest option I can think of is to follow the simple guidelines of if you have to play, then "don't flaunt it", "do it on your own time", and "don't let it affect him negatively", all the while knowing: should it ever arise, I must suffer the consequences with humility and compassion.

As for that doctor's comment, I was reminded of it today because I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I'm doing with these lifestyle choices I'm making. It seems that so many of my decisions are based purely on lust, instinct and presence-of-mind-desire. And yet I can't help but wonder if there is some other, deeper, psychological motivation behind all of this. One of my girlfriends has expressed to me on two occasions now that she and my other close girlfriend had previously discussed and were "worried" about me during my Happily Single [and Extremely Promiscuous] Days. As if there might be a deeper issue at hand that would explain why I was having so much sex with such little committment. They pondered, "is she just having fun or could it be that her self-esteem and self-worth is dependant upon the attentions of these men?" Of course, I've questioned this very thought myself, and I keep coming up with the answer that something is inherently wrong with the whole line of questioning.

Has this growing list of men been a futile attempt at gaining self-worth? (Futile because apparently it doesn't work, since I have to keep going, with more and more men.) Am I simply reacting on a base level of human sexual desire, working from a no-holds-barred attitude? (ie. just having some fun) OR. The newest option: am I in the midst of shopping around? I feel quite deeply, from a realm of my heart that exists beyond time, space and rational thinking, that my husband is indeed the only man who is as compatible, as fitting, as complementary with me as is possible in this life. Our union holds something that I feel is truly remarkable, and I have utmost faith that our love will withstand whatever life throws at us. So I can't possibly be shopping around for another H. If it is the case that I am looking for something ~else~, then what could that be?

All of the men with whom I've had Adulterous Affairs were chosen with certain criteria in mind. Aside from sexual attraction (a given), they had to be on some level, "unattainable". Somehow, it had to be impractical to be with the person. This was in fact a deliberate act, in part to protect my marriage, and in part to give me an easy out. There could be no way that I would develop an emotional bond with an individual if the friendship had nothing but obstacles in the way. To an extent, I avoid developing emotional bonds with most of the men in my life, even if they are close friends with both H and myself. Perhaps it is for fear that something might occur within that emotional connection that could possibly threaten the strength of my bond with H. So I don't test it.

But sex... is a totally different story. Sex -- I can break down into attributes, personality, technique, skill, and generosity. I can mechanize it and tear it apart. I can easily admit that various aspects of each of the men I've been with get stacked up against my husband, and everytime my husband wins out, when you take the whole package to scale. Perhaps it is that bond that I cherish so much that keeps the magic between us, and remains untouched by even the most gifted of the lot. The men I've been with have been seasoned lovers, both physically and emotionally. They all have given me the distance I need, and the respect they feel I deserve. Each one of them has had realistic expectations about my marriage, and has never come close to overstepping that boundary. In a way, they've been perfect. So it seems to me that if it was a role-filler I was searching for, (in the role of long-term sideline-lover) then I've easily found a few. Yet I keep looking. So it must not be that.

Which brings me to my latest situation. What's flourishing with YoungMan is something totally different than all the others. What makes it different, I'm not quite sure of yet. But there's a twinge of immediacy that sets a different tone here. He has no wife, no kids. He goes out drinking when he wants, with whom he wants. He has total freedom over his life. He lives at home with his parents. He has no fear, and nothing to lose. He really is Youth-Incarnate, in so many ways. YoungMan lives within a half-hour of our home. We work together, so I see him everyday. The ease is astounding. When we have sex, it's joyous, acrobatic, intimate, passionately devouring, compelling, impulsive, lovely, and physically exhausting. When he looks at me, I feel something stirring inside that is frank, clear and bright. It's not just the "newness" of touch from a person other than the familiar. I don't know what it is, but I am enamoured.

lips

One of the very noticeable aspects of my looks is what my H lovingly refers to as D.S.L. -- D.ick S.ucking L.ips. Of my entire family, I was endowed with these pouty, puffy puckers and of all my facial features, these DSL are my most prominent. From my very first boyfriend, I can remember wetting my lips in hungry anticipation for what may come. I remember years of pre-sexual attractions where the slightest hint of my tongue tasting the inner edge of my lips resulted in enigmatic reactions from the boys around me. My lips are a gift from the passion gods, as they get licked, sucked, and bitten -- both hard and gentle. And with each nuance of movement, I am sent to all edges of the pleasured universe.

So when I get the chance to play with lips like mine, and I can lick those fleshy appendages and suck them into my mouth, and feel the thick tissues rolling around between my teeth, against my lips, across my tongue, it's a kiss that's so fucking incredible, I could cum just through the pulse of that sucking. Needless to say, BeautyEyes has those sexy lips that I just love remembering in various tableaus across my body. Not only was our kissing out of this world, but his soft and full lips planted amazing sensations all over my body. My exposed neck fell victim to his suckling, and as I discovered the next morning, he had left the mark of his naughty, poorly-behaved lips against my tender flesh. A hickey! It was an accident that I'm sure I knew was happening at the time, but it just felt too wonderful to make him stop.

My favorite montage is of his full lips wrapped around my breast. The contrast of my creamy skin against his darkness combined with that feeling of such completeness is something I enjoy revisiting on almost a daily basis. The vibrations I felt from his guttural whimpering, that resonated from the back of his throat, always became padded down through the thickness his mouth created and echoed ever deeply into the core of my nerves. I loved seeing his face rubbing against my chest, brow knitted in absolute delight, nipple trapped inside the vacuum of his lips. And never did he suck too hard. He always knew my threshold of the pleasure-pain tolerance and backed off at just the right moments, only to ensnare me again in just a few moments. Something about those lips...

---the sex---

Each morning that I awoke next to this man in his bed, I immediately felt flushed with desire. The cool morning breeze against the thin cotton sheets would gently caress me into full wakedness, and I could feel a tingling sensation throughout my body. What's incredible to me is that the type of desire was pure pleasure. I did not aspire to reach orgasm, ever. I merely wanted touch. The repeated rise and fall of sensory experience was what I yearned for; just the pleasure of his skin against mine, his lips anywhere on me, and even the simple pleasure of looking into his eyes as we shared space silently. Without getting too carried away, but in the spirit of honest expression, I want to say that during these intense moments of intimacy, I felt a love between us that came into a fullness unable to be articulated.

Two evenings, back to back, of sucking on lips and necks and chests and fingertips, interspersed with feeding and drinking and walking and holding hands and hugging. Oh, but the kissing and licking and touching -- his touch was marvelous! his hands alone brought me so much pleasure, the type of pleasure that stays with you, that I find impossible really. rocking my body against the grasp of his palm, scratching away at my insides, driving me, moving me, making me feel like I could seriously cum at any moment, whenever he wanted, again and again. I want to see him again, if only to feel him. he romanced me across multiple planes, and damn the sensuality of it all was overwhelming. his eyes. his beautiful eyes would watch me. he would give me pleasure, I would be floating somewhere outside of my consciousness and with the twitch of an eyelid, I could see he was watching me take that pleasure he was giving. his fingers were inside me and without blinking, his eyes set on my face, watching me in ecstasy.

on our sides, facing one another, his fingers driving me to a frenzy, for hours we were slow, kissing, licking at an unbearably light pace, the torture was delicious. he eased into me, gentle and kind. for hours we lay there, taking turns pleasing one another, tapping into a magnificent geyser of eroticism and passion. how long I could gaze into his eyes... we would go hungry. hunger for sensory excitement, hunger for touch, hunger for the soft padding of each other's lips, hunger for drink, hunger for food, desire in such a raw form as hunger.

BeautyEyes. we unraveled one another, and I don't really want to be put back together any time soon. this is indulgence, and relishing every moment after. he emailed me too -- exactly the bit of response I needed to know that everything is great between us.

Beautiful Spirits

There are some people that you meet and spend time with who set off a gong inside your soul, and it's as if your world is suddenly turned upside-down, inside-out, and twisted this way and that. They take inspiration from you and you from them. They emanate warmth and light and you feel privileged just to know them, just to bask in their sunshine. In my life, there have been a handful of people like this, and I am joyous to announce that I have discovered another of these Beautiful Spirits in BeautyEyes.

I have just returned from my weekend in his city and it was the most remarkable two and a half days I have spent straight with someone other than my H. Spending all that time together -- all evening friday, sleeping in the same bed together that evening, all day saturday, sleeping in bed together that evening, and most of sunday, traveling on a train together. That much intimate time with someone and you get to see shades and hues of a personality that generally lay under the radar in everyday proper behavior. And having spent that much time together, I feel closer to him than I could ever have imagined. BeautyEyes is every much the beautiful spirit I believed him to be instinctually, and surprisingly more than what I had expected. He shared so much of himself with me, and I could see, could feel that he opened his heart wide open to me, let me in, and we danced together in each others open spaces.

Our interactions moved seamlessly through time, through space, and through various types of relational roles. Friend, confidante, lover... we were so free with one another and in that freedom, discovered a boundless beauty in the fluidity of our friendship. I felt a kinship between us that flowered overnight.

Our bodies mingled together as though they knew each other once before, in a distant lifetime, and our flesh played out a symphony, harmonizing in celebration of rediscovery. I couldn't help but feel as though there was no other place to be other than with him at every moment we spent together. I'm remembering that feeling I had sensed initially -- that the connection that BeautyEyes and I share demands a sense of romance and true friendship, that to continue along this path invokes a flag of danger in the possibility of creating something beyond a simple sexual affair. I'm remembering how I came to the understanding that any advance in our interactions would develop into something quite remarkable, and in fact, something rather threatening. And when I see in his eyes the very same comprehension, I know that we have already introduced that element, and have no other choice but to simply move on from here.

I felt a deep sadness upon our departure today. We connected in such a profound way that the abruptness of our goodbyes stood as a chasm in space and time that seemed artificial. Perhaps in another universe, I stayed there, moved there, and we lived a life, creating bounty together. And it's as though our time spent together these few days acted as a wormhole by which these universes crossed, commingling two lifetimes that just can not exist simultaneously. I don't know what will happen from here. I do know that these past few months of sporadic conversation with BeautyEyes has been like standing at an open door that for so long was closed in a dark alley, largely unnoticed. And standing there these past few months, looking through that open door, I could only use my instincts, and my limited senses to determine what lay ahead. Now, after this experience, it's as though I have stepped over the threshold and still can not see beyond my limited senses. It is bright, white light that blinds me. It is the light of his Beautiful Spirit.

relief

he sent me reassurance. a wonderful text message that calmed my fears and soothed my apprehensions. the words he chose to send me worked wonders at leaving the door open between us. the reality of the situation does still resonate with me, but at least there is still hope that someday... something just may happen between us once more.

and yet, still he is so far away, in another city, a 4-hour train ride away from me. how could I possibly sneak away from my H to meet with Beauty Eyes in his big, big city? no, I think that will never happen. this will surely have to be a home-town love affair. perhaps the next time he is home to visit, I will travel the hour to meet him in places familiar to us, places that carry us away from our everyday lives. so long as I can feel his gaze upon my lips one more time... I shall be pleased.

his first response

he wrote me back. i emailed him one day after we rekindled that almost-forgotten spark we had for one another. and he wrote me back. my perceptiveness to his emotions was on point. he followed through with exactly what I had hoped for: a response with kindness, receptiveness and a healthy dose of reality. he says he's struggling to come to terms with what happened. feels his actions lacked the respect that both I and my H deserve. his own moral qualms. can I console that? do I have the capacity to calm that tension inside of him? i'm not quite sure.

i keep thinking about how intimate we were. beyond sex-as-recreation. we both opened up and shared something profound together. i've only felt that way twice out of all the lovers i've ever had. one man being my first true love, the one I lost my virginity to. the other man being my H, who i am currently married to. this presents a thorny challenge in my clean architecture of pursuing a lust and love-filled life.

my commitment to H has always been on the level of transcendent love and beauty. of all my transgressions, I've never felt any danger that i was trespassing on this territory. that is, until now.

there's something about every first kiss that I've found: it either dictates or reflects the relationship I have with that person. for every truly memorable first kiss I've had, I can see a real correlation between how much *click* and *pop* the kiss gave, and the resultant personal interactions.

the connection that Beauty Eyes and I shared in our first kiss was simply magical. now what?