How the HELL are we so compatible as sex buddies?

Yet another session with YoungMan. Sex together is insanely amazing. Our bodies fit together like forever-changing puzzle pieces. We're both on the thinner side of light, for our respective heights, and we both have crazy long limbs. So when we caress, when we collide, when we stretch the bodies, we become a tangled mess of arm-leg-insert-crook-of-knee-elbow and then a kiss. I'm mezmerized by his lips and tongue. What's surprising is how focused I am on his lips when the most striking thing about his face must be his eyes. Deep blue, expressive and quiet, and just plain sexy. When we're facing each other, when he can see me and watch me while we're having sex, he gives me the most piercing, sustained fuck-stare I've ever experienced. It's a hard type of stare that chills me deep down and it makes me want to be hurt by him. I feel as though I could be used by him and thoroughly abused, and that very sentiment makes me cum almost immediately.

YoungMan discovered my hard-core proclivities (think choking, force, bondage) with zero discussion on my part. He's so incredibly in touch with my bodily responses that he homed in on all the crazy things that get me going -- things that I fantasize about, but would never ask someone to do. He's extremely observant, and I'm all the luckier for that. He thoroughly enjoys pleasing me, and says that he just loves watching me as I exist in varying states of pleasure. And his stamina is overwhelming. He says he's never met a girl who wants to and can fuck for as long as he can. I could say the same for all of my previous partners. My husband and I also have long bouts of sex, and usually will take at least an hour, if not two to enjoy ourselves. But with YoungMan, we've probably averaged about 3-4 hours each time. With most of my other partners, I've always felt guilty for wanting to go at it longer and continue to please myself, even after they've finished.

There seems to be some kind of magical chemistry that happens between us. We have so many little things in common, (though yes, there are quite a few things that differ remarkably), things that are personal choices, things that have nothing to do with anything important at all, yet are all around. Insignificant coincidences that occur way too frequently not to be noticed. And sexually, we're dynamite. As experienced as I am, with as many previous partners that I've had, I find it incredible that I'm experiencing brand-new sensations with YoungMan. And I'm completely taken aback at his forward behavior in bed. He's just as forceful as I want and like, following the ebb and flow of my desires. We joke about him being a devil in disguise because of how deeply he knows what I want, and I never have to say a thing. Perhaps I do "say" enough for him to know, but it's all in the language of our bodies. As though we read each other so naturally and thoroughly that spoken words are wholly unnecessary.

And orgasms... wow. With most other men, I'm able to cum once, following a slow and steady build-up of desire. Usually, that one time is a hummer; it's built-up for so long that when it happens, I feel like I've exploded. And generally it happens aided by my hand, as the extra friction on my clit (in just the right way) is a booster. I've only considered the rolling orgasm a bonus -- that is, after the one major quake, I might get a couple of aftershocks that roll on through me. And sometimes, those reverberations are actually uncomfortable because my body is at a heightened state of intensity already. But with YoungMan, it's like I get chain-linked mini-orgasms from the first time he enters me, all the way through to the end. The one time that I had a crash-worthy orgasm with him was so overwhelming that I actually squirted ejaculate all over his stomach. It was EVERYWHERE. Normally, I'd have been embarrassed, but with YoungMan, it's as though all of my inhibitions are turned off. In fact, when I ejaculated that time, I got so turned on by being amazingly wet that the sex got even more wild after it happened. Sex with this guy is so different from other men I've been with. And this scares me. I feel like I'm developing a serious physical, chemical addiction. Not the obsessive kind that deals with emotions, fear, worry and relationship issues. But the compulsive kind that is raw, unpredictable and uncontrollable. The desire is so tremendous that I am always searching for ways to get that next fix.

Now, for a list. Newly discovered, incredibly sexy things that YoungMan does to me:
1. the fuck-stare.
2. he loves my ass. lots of ass handling, squeezing, pinching, slapping, biting, spreading. whoo! a doozy.
3. the tight, pointy tongue and everything it does. licking his lips, licking my lips, licking the air, teasing me, and most recently, going down on me.
4. he takes me. after i've exhausted my capacity for orgasms, his build-up for orgasm comes from handling my body like a piece of meat. he moves me, makes my body fuck him. both hands on my waist, my thighs, my ankles, my stomach, my shoulders, my wrists. whatever it takes. he makes me fuck him.
5. this morning, I came three times within 8 minutes. then he came all over my stomach. that was the quickest quickie we've ever had, and I didn't even think it was possible.
6. the taste of his cum. the most delicate flavor i've ever had. he pulled out of my cunt, and went straight in my mouth, cock in hand. never, EVER have I thought that would be sexy for me. but hey, with him, it's amazing.

Oh, and I did a strip tease for the first time in my life. And it didn't feel awkward at all. In fact, I got REALLY turned on by it. By the time we got the actual sex, I was literally dripping all over him. It's all him. I know it. It's all because of YoungMan.

disappointment

yesterday I was distant from my husband. he's been home for only a week after having been gone for two months, and I become emotionally distant. what is up with that? he treats me like a queen, and I go and have fling after fling, cocky and arrogant, pursuing my fleeting desires, unapologetic and unremorseful. how is it that I can go on committing these indiscretions that most people consider to be heinous acts of vile treacherous behavior? even now, as I feel somewhat sad about my emotional distancing, I know that if given the opportunity, I would probably fuck around again. I really hate that I'm doing it behind his back, and I SOO wish that he could give me this one thing that I can not possibly ever ask of him.

I know it is mistaken for one spouse to expect his/her partner to change fundamental personality traits; it might even be wrong to hope that such things could change. but tell me, is it wrong to hope that you could change fundamental parts of who you are, in order to fit inside a successful marriage? is it even possible? because as I'm looking at who I am in this partnership, and where I'm standing, the only thing I see is a person who wants to be someone she is not, in order to maintain a steady marriage. I want to be self-sacrificing, but in reality I'm a selfish liar. I want to be solitarily devoted to only one man, but instead, my attractions and my interests are dividing steadily. I want to maintain a stable and comfortable relationship, but my actions are divisively acting against that.

is it just that I am so insecure in my core personality that I feed off of the shallow and brief attention that comes with sexual attraction? am I hooked? is this an illness? is this my obsession? or am I really just being true to myself, true to my desiring self, and therefore genuine in these deeds?

I am not regretful of any physical act or emotional connection that has been made. however, after all this time, I don't like the deception. I don't like hiding entire chunks of myself from him. I don't like being someone else inside my head, while being the me that he loves and adores outwardly. I feel fractured, and it's becoming more difficult to string the pieces together. my options from here are lacking in desirability. 1) I go back to being "faithful", and stop everything else cold-turkey. That means I break all connections that have been made with previous lovers and live in a conventionally-styled marriage that I secretly wish to dismantle philosophically and politically. 2) I continue on this adulterous path and keep living a double life, filled with passionate adventure and dark, cold loneliness. I continue to allow my husband sense that something is wrong, but pacify him with words. I keep letting him love only the shell of me. 3) I try to bring these issues to the open, knowing that change can break us. Knowing that I risk everything we've built for the mere possibility of getting what I truly want, an open marriage.

I don't have the strength to change us. I don't have the strength to stop. I am paralyzed by fear. I know why I am emotionally distant, and he is struggling to understand it, to understand me. Today I disappointed a friend, by falling through on plans that were made. Because of that, I realized something: I became disappointed in myself because I took to heart how that friend felt, and I judged myself harshly because of it. That's how I knew how important that friend was in my life. The thing about my husband is of all the people in my life, I don't want to disappoint him the most, ever -- that is why I take every single criticism to heart, and that is why I take every critical word as a slight against my person. I judge myself through what I deem are his eyes, without being aware of it, and despite his actual perceptions. In this desperate and fantastic pursuit for ultimate perfection, I have built castles around my weaknesses, around my every pit and pockmark to create a person who might deserve a bit of his undying and unconditional love. But the gaps are growing wider, and the holes are getting deeper. My imperfection is seeping through the cracks in the mortar and my "real", possibly - probably - unlovable self will eventually wear through.

where am I supposed to go from here?

Scrubs

-- the tv show that I've begun watching. The main character, JD, (played by Zach Braff) keeps reminding me of BeautyEyes. I'm totally addicted to the show these days, and I'm now quite enamored with this guy, if only because he so reminds me of BeautyEyes. It's not necessarily that they look alike, (though in a way, they really do -- just imagine brown skin and grey eyes, though just as striking) but there's some hint of personality similarity, maybe it's the nerdiness? which I absolutely adore, by the way. This might very well be the first time that I've actually had a celebrity crush... the first time I've ever had any genuine curiosity about getting to know an actor, on a personal level. I'm finding it rather strange, really. I've felt that way about authors, but I think the nature of acting and celebritizing forces automatic walls between us and them, versus a pulling force of mental attraction that comes along with writers.

Anyway, I should probably stop watching the show because it's just pulling me down deeper into my depraved cyclone of obsession. I'm really trying to stop thinking about BeautyEyes because I know our situation is absolutely impossible, and I most likely will never get another weekend with him ever. After I sent him a drunken email, I realized how close to the edge I am with this guy, and the teetering is doing no good whatsoever.

On another front completely: I started a new job today and I'm surrounded for the first time by men who are happily involved with their wives/fiancees. No divorced sense of alienation, no sex-hungry single boys, just men who are (at least outwardly) satisfied with their women. THAT is strange in my profession. How ironic then, that one of these men I find absolutely stunning. Once again, the eyes! This guy brings back memories for me of my girlhood fantasies of who I would want to marry. Dark brown hair, chiseled features, BRIGHT blue eyes, and he's a brit to boot! Witty, and sarcastic as hell with a bite on the end of every statement. Dare I say, hot? I don't work with him directly, so I can't really stare at him for long periods of time given we don't hold very long conversations. But when I can steal the time when he's not looking, I'm amazed at how fucking handsome he is. Nothing like a workplace crush to make the hours go by pleasantly...

Obsession and this man

how do i fight the urges to keep checking my email? how do I ignore the pulsations that are reminders of what happened just yesterday early morning? how do i keep from imagining what he's doing now? How do I keep from going over the scenes, the clips of time memory that make up this flesh? how do i keep from re-reading what I've written about him? i can't. it's that simple.

even the sounds of this music move me, fill me with body- sensations that revolve around him. how can i stop those reverberations? i can't. it's impossible.

he said he thinks he's always trusted me.

do i question my instinct? could i be wrong about what he sees in me? could i be wrong about what i see in him? i've known him, but i don't really know him. he's always been somewhat of a mystery to me. over ten years, i've known him. but i don't know what drives him, what makes him tick. though i know these are terrible things to want in an extra-marital affair, i want them from him. and yet i know i can't pursue a "R"elationship with him. with all the others, sex was just sex. there was no way i could fall in love with any of them. but with him... there is a distinct possibility... a part of me hopes that he puts this past him, ignores me, or in an adult-type way can express his joy and yet still communicate that it just can't work. that he can't do it. because i fear that i wouldn't have the strength to say no. i fear that i am standing at the edge of an abyss, and at any moment i could slip away and the world as i know it flies out of my grasp. this is what he does to me.

should i dash his hopes? that i would never leave my H.

and yet still, i yearn for an iota of a response to my letter. i fear i shall be disappointed.