I've shared a few "bad" dreams with him, and his response is always "why do you keep having these terrible dreams about us? do you want to leave me? Is that why you keep having these dreams?" And I tell him no, please don't even say that because it hurts me to hear you say these things. And I really do hurt to hear that, to even think that.
My dream of him not loving me anymore... i woke up crying into my pillow. I could not bear him leaving me. I truly and honestly do not want our marriage to fall apart.
I know where these dreams come from. I know that there is this heavy burden that weighs on my shoulders. And it is not that I have cheated. It is not that I have kissed other men. It is not that I have had sex with a man other than he. It is that this part of my personality is real, and that I must hide that from him. It is that I am constantly fighting my other persona, in order to live this marriage like it is supposed to be. It is that I am faking/hiding a part of who I am to keep him content, satisfied and happy.
No, I really and truly do not want to leave you. But I would really love to tell you the truth. I would love to ask you to open our marriage. I would love to ask your hand in allowing me to give myself to whomever I choose, knowing that you and I would remain together always. I would love to know that all this would be okay with you. And I would love to know that your security would not falter throughout it. Or at least that you are willing to try.
I feel like a woman who must hide the fact that she is a lesbian from her husband and from her family. A woman who can not pursue a lifestyle she feels built for, because of the fear of hurting those she loves dearly. And for fear of losing those very same people... because their lifestyle is not properly suited for her's. So the sacrifice is made. The daily sacrifices that are consumed, digested, forgotten, only to be reminded in dreams... bad dreams that make him sad and insecure...
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8 comments:
I also have bad dreams about my sexual situation, but it is more because of fear rather than deceit.
I feel that the splitting of your desire and action, the faking will plague you as long as it continues. But I also see how you cannot open this up to him. If only you could, if only you could have that open relationship you describe.
I have been having fucked up dreams too! Nice Blog
Fantastic post. I have been consumed by similar thoughts - not in dreams, but in my conscious life. The guilt, the fear (of getting caught) and, in my dark moments, the idea that I am actively destoying something as precious as a love.
I hear you when it comes to dreaming. I think it is a mind's way of dealing with what you can't deal with in waking life. I always encourage honesty between people. But at the core you have to find what it is you most want, need and desire. I am glad I popped in here.
Wow peeps, thanks for the lovely words and the initimate sharing. Sometimes this blogging thing really tugs at my heart. :) I'm glad there are so many of *us* out there, and this version of a support network is out there.
For any new eyeballs reading, here's a great big WELCOME!!! and a gargantuan THANKS for being who you are. And especially thanks for the thoughtful comments put here.
I just found your blog via Gracie's Playground. I'm hooked.
I wish I had answers, but I can only offer my understanding.
(i tried commenting the other day, I think it got eaten!)
best
O
I've been in your situation, and in the end I told my husband. I couldn't live with myself any other way.
We had a rocky year or so after that, but the cliche about being a stronger marriage for it is true. (This is because the weaker marriages divorce right about then, though...)
You have to make a choice, either to gamble your marriage on honesty, or to learn to live with these feelings. I wish I could tell you there was a third, easy option, but we all know better than that.
(My husband also told me that if I ever had another affair, he'd divorce me and take the kids. Which is one reason why I'm not having the affair with the colleague I'd love to be sleeping with right now. This situation is one of the reasons I've been reading your blog.)
While commenting - can I also just say that you write very well indeed.
A
I could never tell my wife about my affair. Or even hint that I have attractions to other women. It would be disasterous.
But your situation may be different...you have already made mention of the two of you being somewhat open, at least when you are together, based on the party you described.
It is difficult, being a different person with your spouse, than you really are. But we all wear many different faces. It's sad when we have to put on one with the love of your life...
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