How Can I Do It?

Sex. That's all it was supposed to be. YoungMan and I stepped into this situation with all the same expectations. It was going to be NoStringsAttached. We had amazingly hot sex one night, and we just wanted more of it. That's all there was to it. So why couldn't we remain in that realm? Perhaps we were too similar and our fates were already wound together, even without our knowledge. The way we talk, the way we walk side by side, the way we laugh and joke and play and fuck -- it's all so easy, so natural, so good. We've brought out beautiful things in one another and the time we've spent together feels like it was in a vacuum, free of the natural constraints that time and space place on matter.

On Thursday, I faced the most difficult challenge I have ever come across. How do you confess to being in love with someone and then in the next breath ask for time apart? And still that's exactly what happened. We both knew it was happening all along. We both felt our heart-strings singing an ancient song, and while our conscious selves were trying to ignore it, our transcendent beings danced in the revelry of it all. On Thursday, I went to go see YoungMan in person, after having not seen him in almost two weeks. Twelve days is all we could manage being apart. After twelve days of only text messeges, emails and phone calls, I finally saw his sweet, lovely, beautiful face. And the mere sight of him filled me with such strength. As though all of my questions were answered, as though Life gave me a gift of assurance and the understated single head-nod of affirmation, his smiling eyes took me to a plane of simple, unmediated joy.

And yet, the purpose of that visit... was to make a break. At the last session with the therapist, H, Dr. and I all "agreed" that I should stop all communications with YoungMan. Though I know rationally that it's probably best for the mending of wounds between me and H, I do not want this for me & YoungMan. The uncertainty of the future carries with it so much possible loss, and I fear the tender bud of our connection will not weather a harsh winter of dormancy. I fear his heart will harden and say its goodbyes to me, to us, to this relationship-in-infancy. We spoke of all this when we saw each other. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I actually asked him to wait for me. I've never asked that of anyone. I've never allowed myself to be so vulnerable to loss, to rejection, to the possible answer of 'No.' But I did, and after having seen him, I believe he will, and is doing exactly that. There is something strong, vibrant and resilient between us, and despite all the uncertainty, I know that we have something special that will carry on.

I told H that I would attempt a real go at being sexually exclusive with him. He is still hurting and insecure about the sex-stuff and all the comparison issues that come along with knowing about others, and I understand that only the knowledge and trust that all that has stopped can give him the security to begin his healing. I also told him that I know it will be difficult for me, and I hope he can be understanding of that. I can feel that this new arrangement will be heavy on me, and I know that I am at the edge of a very deep, dark pit, easily teetering into a long fall of cold and darkness. At the same time I know that this whole situation has in fact brought us closer. I've opened myself to H in ways I never imagined I ever could. And our interactions together have reflected more of an awareness toward one another than ever before. I think this will be a very difficult path, but one that already has presented us with more closeness and more mutual respect for one another.

H has said to me that maybe he can change. That it will take time, but that he thinks he may be able to change. I don't know what that means at all, but if it's being said to give me hope, then it's working. Though I feel emotionally tired, trying to sort through all these issues, there is still a thread of optimism that runs through me. I don't know how, but I feel deep down that things will work themselves out eventually. I do know however that I have an incredible support network all around me of caring individuals (online and offline), and I'm so lucky for that. Thank you to everyone here who has offered your kindness to me. You will never know how much it has helped me through these extrememly difficult times. I hope to respond to emails and questions that have been presented to me here in time. There's still a lot of murkiness to get through, but it's all going to take time. I'm beginning to feel once more that time is indeed my friend... here again, one day at a time.